So Who Am I? – Part 1

Who Am I?

I had an interesting conversation with a girlfriend some years back; we were discussing how I felt and what I thought about me – where I fitted now that daughters had left home (though the youngest returned). I told her that I honestly hadn’t given it any thought. She mentioned the three stages in a woman’s life, the Maiden – the pure, modest and chaste. The Mother – a woman has born a child or has nurtured one and the Crone – when a woman is near or past Menopause and acknowledges her age, wisdom and power. So I am now in my Crone years – ah how that lifts my spirits no end!

I have past through my childhood, my teens, young adulthood; adulthood, motherhood and the menopause hurdle. I should be accepting of who I am, I know myself extremely well (my good and bad points).

First and foremost I would like to think that I am a good friend to those that are close to me. My temperament can be extremely moody (well l am a Cancerian) and I have a tendency even I can admit to being a bit of a drama queen. I can accept people and there faults to quite a large extent. If I had to air my thoughts on something someone had said that has upset or offended me, I would try and approach it light-heartedly.

I believe I am a friendly, gregarious and generous person. I have the ability to make people laugh, with some of my friends saying I should have been on the stage and some say sweeping it.

I’m not without vices, how many of us are and to assume one is perfect at my age or any age for that matter is a sure sign they are deceiving themselves. Much to my detriment I have an addictive nature, I still smoke, though I did give it up for seven years when my girls were little. I enjoy drawing, painting and even managed to sell an oil painting some years back, I have toyed with the idea of getting back into painting but that is all I have done ‘toyed’. I’ve attended classes on writing and illustrating children’s and writing for adults.

I had been extremely fortunate not to have real money concerns, I am not rolling in it by any means, I still work full-time and find myself reasonably comfortable and as the saying goes we ‘get by’. I see other women who have wardrobes full of shoes or bags, or clothes. I look at my rather sorry wardrobe and realise I only buy clothes for myself maybe a few times a year, though this has changed more so over the past year especially with the stretchy light fabrics mentioned earlier. When I do buy new clothes I have to force myself to reach for something different, it’s not that I don’t like colours, the older I get the more colourful my wardrobe has become for some reason but I guess I just play it ‘safe’ with black, white and greys. I wonder what if anything that says about me as a person.

Turning 50

A milestone, we now are catching a glimpse of our mortality and making a choice about what in fact we want to achieve if anything for the rest of it. By now, we know what is important and what isn’t, what needs to be taken to heart and when we can laugh unabashedly at others and ourselves. We’ve been doing all, or almost all of the things we’re supposed to be doing for the last fifty years and we’ll continue (most of them anyway) because these are things we want in our life. The ageless woman is purported to be confident and comfortable in her own skin, not matter what age ( I don’t think I have portrayed that about myself so far). There is, so I am led to believe tremendous sex appeal in having this confidence. There are times when I do look in the mirror and think I look ‘hot’ – ok so don’t laugh, there are however equal amount of times when I look in that same mirror and pull the sides of my face up – showing me  how I may look after a face lift and I smile. Maybe it’s merely a case of acquiring a more positive attitude with my own being, having this ‘make – up’ would be a thousand times better than the most expensive cream. Everyone can look upon women who aren’t necessarily beautiful in the conventional sense, yet these women are accepted and admired for their inner sex appeal and beauty. Maybe I should stop micro-scoping my imperfections as much as I do.

One of my closest friends that I use to work with would always say to me “Baby we’re here for a good time – not a long time”. The obvious theory behind this is to enjoy every moment, live as day as if it were your last, funny how I didn’t pay much attention to that before, but now l do.

The morning of my 50th birthday I remember waking and thought to myself ‘Well girl you made it, how do you feel? As expected absolutely no different whatsoever. What on earth was I expecting to happen? Did I think on waking that I’d need a walking frame to hobble from the bedroom or help from the bed? The fact of facing the number did not hold the quite the importance now as it once had. I had jumped the massive hurdle and survived! I had conquered; it was achieved, complete and final. There was no hiding in a corner, nor under my bed covers. The following day passed and I went into day two of my ‘golden’ years. Are there any women, who look forward to the prospect of getting older, I’d say not. What can we do to stop it- not a bloody thing!

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