DP WordPress challenge …I wish I were able to turn back time

I am taking part in the WordPress Weekly Writing challenge

Here is the link if you wish to also enter

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2012/10/29/weekly-writing-challenge-i-wish-i-were/#more-10925

I wish I were able to turn back time.

Not for the gift of reliving my youth so that I may be young or pretty again but for a reason that still haunts me to this very day.

I was barely 18 when I had the opportunity to see my Grandmother who lived in England. I live in Australia. We had never met.

On my arrival whether it was the excitement of seeing her grand daughter finally, or for another, I do not know, but she suffered a stroke. She was bed ridden and due to being elderly & sedentary she could not move from her bed. Because of this she developed gangrene in one of her feet, which I would bathe and tend to. My Aunty who lived in the same house as my Grandmother along with I, tried to help her as much as humanely possible.

However, I was young and naive and stupid and I had pre-booked a coach tour to Lands End and also to fly to Majorca, so I left her behind.

I met an English beach photographer whom ‘I fell madly in love with’ (in the space of a few days) and whom I thought loved me….

I received the news whilst away (approximately 289 miles) that my grandmother had passed away.

My mother sent me a telegram (mobile phones were non existent) asking me to attend the Funeral…to represent the family..to represent her as she couldn’t fly over in time to be there herself.

I didn’t …I was young..I was selfish..I thought more at the time of being with this man whom I had met and thought we had a chance at happiness… it didn’t turn out that way.

When I returned home the guilt that I bore was insuperable. I spoke to my mother about it some time afterwards and we both cried, trying to absolve our grief.

It has never left me…it never will..

I hope my mother knows the grief I that I bore, which I still carry within me.

I wish I were able to be at my Grandmothers Funeral, to pay my respects, to tell her that I’m sorry and to forgive me for my young foolishness and stupidity.

I wish I were able to give her the cuddle that a grand daughter should have given her grandmother…but I can’t.

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21 thoughts on “DP WordPress challenge …I wish I were able to turn back time

  1. The excitement of true love (or so we think?) is hard to compete with. Look out world when we believe it is! *smiling*
    I can imagine how you must have felt and still feel all these years later.

    But I believe she will be looking down and smiling at her beautiful granddaughter.. who took the time to bathe her feet.
    *hugs to you mumsy* xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. Pingback: I wish I were… « 3rdculturechildren

  3. young and foolish!! we have all been there…try not to be so harsh on yourself. I ll quote the serenity prayer they use at AA meetings (no, I am not an alcoholic, I just heard it a while ago and find it beautifully simple) : “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.”

  4. A painful story to relive I’m sure but definitely must learn to forgive yourself. You couldn’t know and she knew that. We’ve all done these things and though our stories may be different they all must end in forgiving our self.

  5. Ahhh … the foolishness and thoughtlessness of youth. Nods. I know you feel bad. That you can voice it … let others in to your feelings of guilt …. makes me believe that you ask for forgiveness, not because you wish to feel better … but because you are truly sorry.

    Mumsy … here is something to think on. Your daughter…you and her had a fight recently. Harsh words were spoken. She is young … and has the same abandon with life …

    I do NOT wish to say this out loud …but will…to show you why you should forgive yourself. Should something happen to you …something bad. You would not want your daughter feeling guilty and berating herself all her life yes? And … inside, neither would you think bad of her or blame her for actions unrelated to the bad things yes?

    Your grandmother would wish the same for you Mumsy. She would wish you to forgive yourself…for she would not blame or look ill on your choices back then.

    Your mum….her mum….they loved … let them. And let yourself heal.

    *hugs*

    • Katiekins you are adorable. The power of an answer – the power of words plain and simple. As I said to Mother..it is hard to forgive oneself. The memories are still there..always will be.. but I hope that by sharing my feelings out loud I can feel better…wash my sins so to speak. (Though I am not a religious person).

      and I DO understand what you said about my daughter and I also…very much…
      Thank you and no I would not want her to feel guilty if anything happened to me, and about her actions…

      I’m blessed to have such friends on here, you are all so kind with your replies.

      ***hugs to you***

  6. Mumsy, memories are tough little blighters, they don’t leave no matter what. Here’s the thing though, it makes you better and stronger as you acknowledge the past, your weaknesses and strengths. It makes you forgive, heal and move on with courage. We are so brash and foolhardy in our youth, if I could write a letter to my younger self, I would absolutely do it. Sadly, that would be on film or in a book… Damn, wish it were possible. All you need to tell yourself is that you were there to bathe her feet and you made it matter at that time. A mind steeped in regret is no good, you are a wonderful person and the love you have for your mum and dad are evidence of who you are as a human being. I bet your Nan is very proud of you, wherever she is.
    xxx

    • MM – *tears* Your line ‘ a mind steeped in regret is no good’ is so wonderful – thank you precious.
      I hope she is..I hope she remembers..it has taught me how foolish & selfish our younger years can be, when we think of only ourselves and our happiness and not of others.
      Thank you xxx

      **Hugs MM**

  7. This story made me very teary! What a brave thing to write about. We do things when we’re young that we regret, but I believe there is always a reason and a lesson for us to take away from the experience. Young love is a funny thing and young minds are even more complex to comprehend. I’m sure your grandmother would have been proud of you no matter what…

    • Hello Di – Thank you darling. It was amazing that I read the challenge from WordPress and wondered what could I write. As soon as my fingers hit the keyboard …this story emerged.
      Thank you for saying such kind words – appreciate it greatly.
      xxxx

  8. Your story brought tears to my eyes as it brought up the circumstances of my own grandmothers death. I had lived next door to my grandmother. And I moved in with my boyfriend–so whenever I had to go back –my aunt still lived there–I avoided my grandmother because she was Catholic and I did not want to have to explain to her that i was living in sin. I was only 19. Well two weeks after I moved out she died. My aunt tells me that she had wanted to talk to me. And yes, to this day I have guilt about it because I avoided her and she died–and yes a young man was involved as well.

    Thank you for sharing you story.

    ivonne

    • I can’t believe how alike our stories are…I am so sorry for the loss you felt and the grief that you have also experienced.
      Our youth…has a lot to be accountable for…
      I hope that you too have found solace in the comments that others have written…like I am learning too.
      Thank you Ivonne for visiting and you are most welcome.
      xx

      • It was quite shocking to read your story and at the same time brought peace knowing that someone else experienced something similiar. I was my grandmother’s favorite–unless of course, she told that to all the grandkids–lol….so yes it brought so much guilt with it……..

        She has come to me a few times in dreams but it has been awhile.

        ivonne

      • That is what sharing our lives, our pain and our joy is all about on here. Hopefully some comfort can be brought to another. I am glad she has come to you in your dreams and perhaps she will again after reading and writing what you have? I hope so. xx

  9. I really enjoyed this – you definitely responded so well to that writing prompt. Your first line hooked me in: ‘Not for the gift of reliving my youth so that I may be young or pretty again but for a reason that still haunts me to this very day.’ It was a perfect balance of honesty and intrigue.
    A moving piece.

  10. I missed this one Mumsy, but you received some fantastic replies.

    We all, I am sure, have things we want to go back in time to change. A misspoken word, ignoring someone to be “cool”… or …other things.

    guilt grows too, expands and fills you. I can’t just say tis ok move on, So this is what I am going to say. What would she have told her young granddaughter at the time, stay with me or go off and have fun, enjoy life, feel love?

    what would she say to her young granddaughter about going to her funeral? What would you say now? You did what she would have told you to do, I know guilt is a heavy burden.

    young and foolish, nods we all have been. well except me 🙂 but if you sit down now and talk with her, what would she say to you. what would the first three words be… psssst I forgive you.

    you know that.

    • Have you been delving into the archives young lady 🙂 thank you for taking the time to do so. xxx
      Your words brought a tear and thinking on it now, yes I am sure that she would have wanted me to have fun, some of the memories and guilt will always be remembered…perhaps for a reason… in fact I am sure for a reason. Thank you Amber what you said was thoughtful and kind and I luvs ya for it xxxx **Hugsss*

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