Signs you’re older than you thought….
– You can live without sex but not without glasses. – Your back goes out more than you do. – You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
A woman’s idea of romance is candles and satin sheets. A man’s idea of romance is “Hi Honey, I bought you some edible underwear!”
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
Ok I’ll try better next week I promise.