Friday Fictioneers – March 1st prompt Moving Mountains

This challenge (100 words) proudly brought by rochellewisofffields.wordpress.com
and Friday Fictioneers. This is a toughie, so a deep breath, a shake of the head and off I go!

home-made_car

“Ray, Β honestly mate do you think it will run? I mean look at it?”
“Ronnie..you doubting his..our ability here?”
“Hell, no man, but take a look at it..surely…”.
“Trust me he knows what he’s doing, just hasn’t had the glorified touches is all”.
Ronnie shook his head, picked up his can of beer.
“Listen mate, you know the old saying love can move mountains“?
“Yeah”.
“Well didn’t we build this together, because we had fun doin’ it ?”
“Yeah but still…”
“It will move mate,” Ronnie grinned, pointing, cross those mountains over there”.

Open for critique and telling me “what a load of cods” πŸ™‚

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40 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers – March 1st prompt Moving Mountains

  1. Certainly not a load of cods! Wonderful dialogue, I can really hear them in my mind, (might be a speech mark missing in the last line?).

  2. Not a load of cods – although that did make me laugh! Excellent dialogue, but I don’t believe that car’s going anywhere even vaguely hilly (unless it’s downhill all the way!)

  3. Ronnie shook his head, picked up his can of beer. This fixed the scene. I loved how this anchored the dialogue, which was also excellent. Your dialogue made me like the characters. The story’s about love, really, for me. I’d like to suggest, in your last sentence, that you place a comma after ‘mate’, add a comma after ‘grinned’, change the full stop to a comma after ‘pointing’ and change ‘Cross’ to ”cross'(i.e. short for ‘across’). There’s nothing fishy about your writing! Ann.x

    • Thank you Ann and yes I did correct the punctuation, but then I was tired it was late… 😦 So hopefully now it stands corrected, thank you for the tips and liking what I had written, foibles and all πŸ™‚ xx

  4. I agree with Ann, although I’d suggest an additional apostrophe, ” ‘cross those…” to show the “a” in “across” is left off. But I was really hoping I could say, “What codswallop!” because I’ve always loved that word. Drat!

    Good luck to them, BTW!! I think they may need it, love or no love.

    janet

    • Hello! thank you for your tip too, πŸ™‚ I think I may leave ‘cross’ though as is, I know not correct but these two gents are ‘Aussie’s and we tend to leave some letters off, I wanted to get the feel for how/we speak at times in my writing. I do love cods and codswallop too πŸ˜‰ and pssst yo got to say it anyway Thanks Janet xx

  5. you have the male voices pitch perfect. When the first comment mentioned “woman”-describing you as writer, I had to go check. You had me bamboozled into thinking you were a male writer.

    • πŸ™‚ Train, I must have been in touch with my masculine side then it seems, I take that as a compliment however that I was that convincing! Thank you stopping in and commenting πŸ™‚

  6. By ‘cods’ you mean ‘as in fish’? No cods here that I can see, except maybe a missing quote mark before ‘cross’? I liked how you picked out the names, and the beer… ‘Foster’s’?

    • Hi Ted I have been asked about the apostrophe, however I wanted to leave it out as the ‘Aussie’ way of verbalising and cods as in codswallop (load of rubbish) πŸ™‚ Thanks for popping over too and Fosters of course it is – they wouldn’t be true blue now if they weren’t drinking that! πŸ™‚

  7. well done. determination.

    in this line: ” do you think it will run, I mean look at it?” i think the question mark should be after “run” that’s really the question. when he said “I mean look at it.” that’s not really a question.

    also, at the end, you might have a stray quotation mark. not sure.

    • Thank you Rich for popping over. I think I have had more comments about my punctuation usage than the piece itself 😦 I have left the ‘ from cross to try and keep with the Aussie pronunciation or flow, I have corrected the ? mark – thank you pointing that out also. Perhaps I need a punctuation lesson at 2 in the morning 😦

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