Rambly – I am what I am tonight

Tonight there is a gnawing in my stomach
a mini marathon ran exhausted
everything seems a little too much ~ close the walls around my grey cells
I do not wish to think ~ I am not myself tonight
children of adult age bear grievances
do not speak ~ lack of love ~ sibling annoyances
horses at the barriers ~ the gate may open ~ but they choose to hold
and not accept themselves ~ both running the same race only
in different directions
parents ageing taking on their pain ~ watching memory wash away
life slipping by ~ a battle that cannot be won
witnessing struggles beyond my ability to help
having my father say “I don’t want to leave you”
can I explain how that rips me apart
earning my keep nine hours spent with whispers that are seen
unwelcome ~ try as I may will this change yet I think
is it me not them
matters to attend to ~ what energy I possess will not
allow what has to be done
friendship lost for reasons unknown
hard to question why
day of not having to think ~ or help ~ or question ~ or ask
or plead ~ or cry ~ or vent ~ or whinge ~ or try to mend ~ or try
to heal ~ or feel sadness ~ or wish there were answers to  ~ to have
no dramas
this is all I ask
I am known as ‘the organiser’ something needs doing
turn to me
tonight I do not wish this anymore
being a mother – giving all I ever could ~ yet sometimes
I feel not appreciated ~ should I ask that I am
I suffer not from illness ~ depression ~ or physical pain
yet when did I lose myself and why
do I feel this way ~ maybe just today
hopefully just today
I look at life through different eyes
I write this not for sympathy
or comments to stay strong
this is how I am right now
tomorrow I hope will be
different
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20 thoughts on “Rambly – I am what I am tonight

    • That is so sweet Beck – as I wrote I didn’t write for comments, just a really blah day. I am a little better tonight, especially when think of those out there in a worse place than I. xxxx

      • It’s true…there are others out there dealing with much more difficult things than we are, but we are still allowed to express our blah days. Some days just suck. Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day and we get to start over. I love how you always keep it real. Life isn’t candy coated.

  1. Jen – this is so full of emotion. I hope it gave you some release to write and that you are settling now. I can so relate to ‘matters to attend to ~ what energy I possess will not
    allow what has to be done’ – and often when we feel this we berate ourselves, leaving us feeling worse. SO please be good to yourself, rest, give yourself love and comfort and I’m sending double from New York, with all the energy of the city behind it 😉 xx

    • Gabs how lovely of you, thank you very much. Yes you are right, we berate and then we feel worse. It’s mainly my parents, followed by my daughters, so much going on at once that yesterday it all became a little too much I’m afraid. I am grateful for your energy from New York, I hope you have a wonderful time and stay warm. 🙂 xxx

  2. Hugging you tightly and saying… you matter, you are appreciated and you are wonderful. You have been wonderful, you will be better, feel brighter and even though this is coming to you late. I know what you are going through… I send you my love.
    xxxx

  3. Beck – thank you – yes the blah days do happen , the hill to climb and conquer. I appreciate that you like the way I write, it spurs me on to continue – hug and kiss to you lovely lady xox

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