Letter to my new Employer (warning does contain explicit language) a little…

Dear Prospective Employer who ever you may be,

I would like to submit this letter to give you a little insight into what I seek for my next position of employment. Having been given the arse the sack…been (in my eyes) wrongfully dismissed from my previous employ, I hope you will not be offended if I explete profanities now and then, for at the time of writing this, I have had pretty much a gut-full.

No,  shit,  sorry that came out wrong, as gut-full may imply that I have been imbibing in the demon drink and as strange as this may sound too you (not that you know me) I haven’t, which if you did know me, you would think rather odd.

In fact can I ask you to hold on a sec as I’m going to get one and then my gut-full may make more sense. So if you could take a short break in the reading of my application I would appreciate it.

You see to tell you the truth I’m pretty much fed up with the total office environment. I am, god forbid, no longer (not that I ever was) a Gen Y. In fact as I am not obliged to tell you my age in my submission I will withhold that information,  but let us say I am between 55 and 58 years young. If you smiled I am glad, that was my intent, however moving on here; this is OLD according to some prospective Employers.

Our lot have passed our use by date, in being able to contribute anything worthwhile to the workforce. Well what the fuck feck is that all about? Just because our memories are not what they use to be and we have a few character lines, does not mean we are over the hill or are completely bloody useless.
May I give you point form to properly explain myself?

  • I am clearly not over the hill or 6′ under it therefore I am worthy of being employed.
  • I do not want to be in an environment with all females as we all now it ends up a bitch fest.
  • I do not want to keep my mouth closed if I feel something is being handled incorrectly.
  • I do want to be able to voice my opinion without being  sacked downtrodden because of it.
  • I am a hard and conscientious worker (hell even my last Manager told me that just before I was sacked).
  • I at one stage ran my own business, so yes I do not what customer service is about, how to answer a bloody phone call and use a computer. Please don’t ask for Excel spread sheets utilising multiple formulas or Powerpoint or anything to heavy in Word as I’m a little fragile in those areas.
  • I am not on medication for dementia, depression, ADHD, schizophrenia or even headaches.
  • I shower daily and don’t have an old persons smell (though that may come, depending on how long I am in your employ).
  • I am past the child baring age, so I won’t be walking in with a huge grin on my face, holding my stomach and blurting “Guess what” and having to look at your pained expression of “Oh God Maternity Leave”.
  • I have travelled (though yes I would like to do more) let me say for this Resume I am tweeking it a little, but I’m not going to stay with you for 4 months only to then tell you I’m leaving  you stranded for a 12 month European vacation.
  • I do have a vice of smoking, however I do not ‘smell’ enough to reek and cause other staff members to run from the room holding a tissue over their nose. I do not require 24 breaks during my work day to light up, one or two is sufficient. This I know you would completely understand.
  • I enjoy a drink (socially only of course) which reminds me this one is finished..be back. That being the case I do not carry a hip flask at all times and you will not find me under my desk slurring my words propped up against the back wall.
  • I do not use any walking aid ie wheelchair that would require the help of Gen Y to push me to my desk or to the toilet.
  • I do not wear hearing aids, so I do not need batteries replenished throughout my working day, or those to yell at a higher decibel level than normal.
  • I do wear glasses whilst using a computer, but I do remember where I leave them.
  • I do not get sick. Stop laughing. I have had the common cold twice in my entire life. Therefore I will not be taking endless sick days because of ‘gastro’, I stubbed my big toe, I have a migraine or I just didn’t want to work today.

Concluding because by now I feel you have had enough, well let me tell you something so have I!I want a change a sea-change, a life-change, a different course in my life to work out my years till I can retire. I am over pettiness in the work place, family businesses that refuse to let outsiders ‘in’.

Over the bullshit, the crap, the smiling sweet to those I cannot stomach., hearing ‘back in my day’ or how old did you say you were???

  • I possibly have some anger management issues that I should deal with.

Looking forward to you favourable response at your earliest (ie one round of interviews is enough, if you can’t make up your mind the first time, then you are wasting my time…and I am old remember!!)

Yours Sincerely,

Rambly

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53 thoughts on “Letter to my new Employer (warning does contain explicit language) a little…

  1. Oh my gosh, I am in fits of laughter, Mumsy, what a fantastic way to wake up on a Sunday. I love this post, aren’t you brilliant then. I especially like the ‘ feck’ part, I kept thinking of Katie, and how much more polite it sounds when you put it like that. Er, based on that letter alone, I would hire you in an instant… Hugging you madly.
    xxx

  2. Okay – what happened to your job??? Sorry if I missed something, I’ll have to go back and check out your previous posts…

    Being in the same age bracket – I feel your pain and that’s why I decided to leave my full time job to write full time. I was sick and tired of 21 years olds getting promoted over me and having to change their nappies. The entire world seems to have forgotten that years of experience overrides a piece of paper…

    Very nice rant! 😀

    • I wish I had books published so that Publishers asked for more so you are the luckiest duck in the world being able to do what you do my lovely. Kudos to you! Oh yes the 21 year old nappy change..a very messy business indeed. Ta chookas xx 🙂

  3. Oh my goodness gracious! This is hilarious Jen! And how in the world have you only had the common cold 2 times??? You are most certainly an ideal candidate for any employer because you are such an awesome gal!

  4. Have been there myself many-o-times… been called in to interview based on my resume only to be asked “So how old are you anyway?” by some 20 something in a micro-mini and 8 inch platform stiletto heels. My first inclination was to light her big hair on fire (‘Take that bitch! I was 20 when the 1980’s came round the first time!’) but I managed to control myself. Look into freelancing – as an online content provider or customer service rep no-one gives a rat’s ass how old you are or what you look like. I’ve been working from home now for a year and a half (I can answer Customer Service queries in my skivvies and no one is the wiser 😉 and it actually provides a modest income, fewer pains in the posterior, AND more time to write my own stuff! Strength and Honour!

    • Victoria, privileged having you read and comment in detail. Brought a smile to this sad face tonight when I read about setting her big hair on fire. I don’t know if we have on-line content providers here (Australia) unless it goes by another name that is. I did have small business from home some years back and yes that is when I was my happiest. I am now looking into the possibilities of buying a small business…be my own boss again. Thanks for your support and encouragement and a laugh! 🙂 Appreciated.

    • I know what you are saying – I didn’t think I would want a sea-change as it is known – but I do, I have been burnt and my confidence is lacking to entrench myself into another office job. Go for it hun – the world is our oyster we just have to know how to open the shell 🙂 xx

  5. Jenny I’m lovin this… give it to em!!! I know how you feel, I’ve worked on and off when needed when bringing up my children. I had the “oh kids get sick don’t they” when I was applying for a job when younger…I ran my own business and loved it…I was boss so my son just came to the shop after school…now that’s gone I’ve been at a loss… lost confidence etc… and it just gets harder as I get older. I still have a son a school so makes it worse. I’ve been studying, and working as an artist but that’s not always guaranteed income. What gets to me is how you’re looked upon being a mum who stays at home…oh I could go on and yes I’ve had a gut full too! All I can say is cheers I’m with you on this one!

    • Hello! Thank you Di, what can I say it’s a painful, annoying and frustrating time in our lives and I feel your pain. The funny..or not so funny thing is I have managed to get a part time job as of today at my partners work and he showed this letter to his and my now new boss 😦 Good grief 😦 !!! Thanks for the cheers hun it’s nice to ‘stick it to ’em’ now and then 🙂 x

  6. HA HA HA HA HA 😀
    Oh Jen your Humour is JUST FECKING BRILLIANT…
    But in all seriousness if you sent that I think you would get the Job…I would employ your reading that…
    BRILLIANT!!!

    • Thanks Katiee, thankfully things – work wise have turned around since I wrote that, but yes as we ‘mature’ it becomes more difficult to obtain work. Appreciate you popping in, sorry about the pain 😦

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