Update on Pop and Mum

Pop and I made the decision to put his beloved car (a Toyota Camry 2005) up for sale. I placed the photo and description on the web car site Monday night. Yesterday (Friday) it was sold, to a lovely lady who had unfortunately written off her previous Camry the morning prior in an accident.

She came along with her father to test drive the car, pop was standing in the driveway balancing with his walking stick. Though his walking has marginally improved, he is still very shaky and cannot turn around as he once did. Now he ‘side shuffles’ to ‘do a u-turn. The lady and her father got in the car and I asked pop to move out the way so they could back it out of the driveway. Pop remained standing where he was, it seems as if he has lost his ‘awareness’.

Normally he would have automatically moved, knowing that the car wheels would possibly run over his feet but he didn’t move until I held his arm and guided him out of the way. It is a very sad thing for him to give up driving and sell his car, but he knows it’s the responsible thing to do. Mum however won’t let it rest, she is adamant she will not get a motorised scooter and says that ‘This is my lot now to be stuck inside the house every day’.

I am trying to persuade her to get one too, so that they can at least get out of the house when the weather is nice and have some independence. It’s a battle with mum, pop at this juncture is fine with getting one. The battle no doubt will continue.

We are going out for lunch tomorrow with them and some family members and their friends, so today was also time to give pop another pedicure and a shave. Bless him, because he has a bit of a double chin, when he does shave he doesn’t get into the ‘folds and crevices’. So out with the new fancy wet or dry electric shaver was I. I then made him walk with his walker twice to the front door and back. Β Yes, I’m a hard task manager, but if I don’t remind him to get up and exercise he lets it slide. He has attended one physio session and has to for a further 10 weeks (once a week) to try and get his core strengthened (good luck with that physiotherapists). He also has to move every hour on the hour and drink more water!

Mum’s memory is progressively growing worse and she loses her temper with me very easily and often! She will salute me now and say “Yes Sir” or “You love to boss me around now” and there is anger in her voice. It’s so difficult not to get upset with her when she puts her stubborn shoes on, but I have to try and remember she doesn’t know that she has asked me the same question 3 times in 30 minutes, or that we have had a conversation about a particular subject several times over.

It is hard for me not to sound patronising, I realise I don’t talk to pop in the same way as I talk to mum and it’s simply the frustration on my part trying to get her to see reason, when clearly it is difficult for her to do so. Whereas I They are no longer the sprightly and comprehending parents that I once knew, not all that long ago, now I see that the ageing process has taken over and is in control.

So that was my Saturday afternoon. I shall continue to post Β about my two ‘darlings’ to those who are willing to read.

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30 thoughts on “Update on Pop and Mum

  1. Oh two moterscooters, then they can have races down the street with Mumsy running behind yelling stoppppp. πŸ˜‰

    I am going to keep things light, in replies. You of course are a great daughter and tis a difficult place, so that will be the last time I say that.

    back to picturing you chasing them down the street… Mom looking back at Mumsy and winking then accelerating and going wooo hooo. both leaning forward to cut the wind.

    • You made me smile and I appreciate the light reply πŸ˜‰ Yes I can imagine mum whizzing down the pavement with me in hot pursuit (if she removes her stubborn shoes) and allows us to get her one πŸ™‚ Thank you sweetheart xxx

  2. My mum uses a motorised scooter and my dad said that he refuses to use one. He would rather stay at home. One day he had no choice but to go out in it. After that, mum had to keep telling him he couldn’t go out. He was always wanting to go.

  3. i know that’s so hard, i was my mom’s guardian as she went through her trials of aging, and it’s very hard on the caregiver i know. it’s fine to vent and i think blogging is a great venue for it. take care of yourself too, it’s most important – beth

    • Hi Beth, thank you so much for reading and commenting. I thought I had replied yesterday but it doesn’t show? Technical glitch it seems. Yes blogging and venting is what I do and though probably tiresome for others to read, they have the choice of deleting. It is tough to see my parents go through this and it’s equally tough to remain strong. How did you cope, did you get angry as I am finding myself doing? I shall take care of me, as they need me and I thank you for being so caring. x

  4. You are a wonderful daugher. I hope I respond with as much respect and love if and when my parents needs this kind of assistance. Seeing your parents on scooters gives me a fun visual though, I’m not going to lie.

    • Beck bless you. I am sure you will, we all would. Our parents have nurtured us and in their ageing years it is our turn to reciprocate, you would be no different as you have a caring and loving soul.
      Yes mum and pop on scooters would be comical – I just have to convince ‘stubborn shoes’ to get one. πŸ™‚ xx

    • oh i totally understand. i was the only child even living in the state during this long period of caregiving, and not only would i get angry at the systems, and frustrated with my mom, but i would go off on my brother and sister who both chose to live far away. my mom would also get mad at me when she was frustrated because i was the face she saw all the time. hard to handle at times, but know you can only do so much, do the best you can, you are human, and truly venting whenever you need to is the best medicine. if i was with my mom and she was having a particularly mean or bad day, i would simply say it was nice to see you and come back another day rather than stay there and get upset. taking care of yourself has to remain in the forefront of your mind and is not selfish in any way. otherwise you’ll be of no use to anyone including your family at home. keep writing ) peace, beth

      • I think that is a difficult part when other members of the family don’t live close and can help in the caring, sometimes it isn’t always possible to have all members available, but it would certainly ease the pressure and also stop the frustration that your mum obviously experienced by seeing only you. My brother lives very close to them also, so when mum has her ‘grumpy pants’ on she can take it out on him too πŸ™‚ As much as I love mum, I seem to display ‘frustrated anger’ towards her moreso than with pop. I shall vent and continue to write, I must admit I did not sleep well at all last night with thinking about them, but I shall take care of myself too. Thank you for sharing Beth – appreciate your understanding and kindness xx

  5. Mumsy ~ In your heart you know you are doing the best you can for them … and it IS frustrating at times. So, when you DO get angry at them (or at least at your mum), and have that edge in your voice … later…try NOT to get angry at yourself. Tis normal.

    If you think really hard … I mean REALLY hard….if you were to go into their heads…perhaps not now, but when they were a bit younger….and you all could see what was going to be…outside of the confusion and sadness and junky things…I bet you would see how they would love you so for taking care of them.

    As for the scooter….perhaps if you went ahead and got your dad one, then she would want one later…when she see’s him going out…she might want to come along?

    Just make sure you keep making him walk (good on you!) … and…ohhh….perhaps if your mum does not want her own scooter, she can sit in your dad’s lap and ride…omg …*smiles*. Did you dad ever take your mum for bike rides? Or motor bike rides with him? I bet he did….*smiles*

    • Darling thank you once agin for your kindness. After I have words with mum, I do take a look at myself but know that I am doing it for her own good, though she does not think so. Pop tells me every time I am there how grateful he is & how much he loves me, so I just have to close my ears when mum get’s her angry face on. I am sure she will decide she wants a scooter once she sees pop on one. They can’t travel very far in them, but the thought of being a nice day and the sun shining and they can potter around the neighbourhood to get out of the house would make me so happy. I will push dad to walk though as he needs to keep himself mobile. I don’t know if either of them have actually ridden a bike? They must have? Surely when they were young? (Ponders) πŸ™‚ xxx

  6. These are my favorite posts ever, my lovely one. I love hearing about your sweet mum and pop. From the photos you posted many months ago to their health updates, it makes me cry to think our parents who have done so much for us, sacrificed their time and energy and given us love, unconditionally, now have to face deteriorating bodies and the pain of growing old.
    Do not feel bad for sounding sharp every now then or for the frustration you feel. It is only normal, as you deal with their conditions yourself. I agree with Katie, getting your pop a scooter might be the way to go to convincing your mum to get one down the line. You are a beautiful person, look at how much you feel for them and even if you are firm, making your pop walk, you are doing something good for him, he loves you for what you do, even if he cannot express it. I am watching these same things happen to uncles, aunts and my sweet mum in-law. She no longer recognizes anyone in the family and if she did, she would be sad that she was in a long term care facility. So it is better this way. It does not stop the pain though.
    Catching up with all your posts this long weekend πŸ™‚
    xxxx

    • Hello gorgeous, thank you for finding the time to comment, for I know how busy you are. Yes the ageing process would have to be the cruelest. Yes having to come to terms with their condition has meant me thinking take a different track, their happiness and comfort is paramount and I just have to close my ears when mum starts who angry snips… Now that his car is sold we can hopefully get a scooter organised in the next couple of weeks. I will be able to do a post with him on it and mum probably standing firm faced arms crossed in the back ground πŸ™‚ I am sorry that you M.I.L has reached this stage, it must be so difficult on your hubby and you to see her like this. 😦
      Thank you for catching up – I have missed you πŸ™‚ xxxx

  7. It’s a tough walk dealing with aging parents. My Mom loved her scooter. She didn’t drive at all once my Dad died so she had to move from their retirement farm to the city where one of my brothers lived. As she aged and got more infirm, she moved to a cane then a walker and then a combination of the walker and scooter. She was a bloody menace with the scooter. She’d drive up behind pedestrians and ring her bell to get them to move out of the way. She seemed to think she owned the sidewalk. πŸ™‚

    Dealing with memory loss is tough. As I posted about my dear sister in law with Alzheimer’s, it is a very bad situation.

    Congrats on your strength and love.

    Nelson

    • You made me laugh reading how your mum rang her bell- bless her cotton socks. Mum tried a scooter at the supermarket – I should try and pop the video up- it was the 1st time she had driven one and I think she enjoyed it (hence my persistence for her to get one) there was a young guy with his mobile texting- head down – she yelled out Beep-Beep!
      Yes, I didn’t realise how hard it would actually be dealing with the memory loss with mum, pop seems a little more lucid, but mum slips in and out. I think I read that post you wrote, if not I shall have another look and thank you for the reminder πŸ™‚
      Congratulations are not needed my friend, this is simply what we must do for them. Their lives were spent raising & protecting us, us as their children do this in return out of love.
      I thank you for your kind words Nelson. x

  8. Okay I’m with pop…I have that darned double chin thing too! Lol
    When the elderly start to lose their memories it’s so hard for families. I hated seeing the people in the old peoples home slowly deteriorate. It’s really sad. I hug you, Mumsy!! …Paula xxxxx

  9. Oh MM, it sounds so frustrating and challenging. I am sorry you have to go through this, they sure are lucky to have such a daughter as yourself! Hang in there, don’t give your hopes up, give yourself a break and take one step at a time! Lots and lots of love & hugs xxx

    • Thanks my sweet – yes the last couple of days have been good – once step at a time. Pop’s car will be picked up Thursday so I shall need to give some moral support when he realises after 60 years he know longer drives…. Thank you for the love and hugs xxx

  10. I can so identify with the car issue. It is a lot more than ‘a lump of tin.’
    I was ‘the daughter,’ rather similar to you, when my parents were in the last years of their lives. Mother died 4 years ago this weekend and Dad for a further 16 months.
    When I look back now I see how lots of the ‘rows’ we got into were pointless. I was a stickler about trying to adhere to the ‘orders’ that were given re things like exercise every hour on the hour and amounts of liquid…..the list seemed endless …. and I feel now that the harm of the rows was probably more than cancelling out the benefits of following most of the orders. I kinda came to see that in the last 16 months of Father’s life and we hardly had a cross word. He had significant memory problems and I was the one who would lie awake all upset about the rows while he had forgotten them as soon as they were over.
    So, if I were to offer any advice, I’d say only to get into what felt to me like ‘ordering’ and ‘nagging’ if it’s about something crucially and fundamentally important ~ eg. not driving, as other people’s lives are at risk.
    Having said all this, I know how difficult it can be to see the wood for the trees when you are in the middle of the situation!

    • Hi Jean, yes I read your post about your parents and also of your mother’s passing. I can understand too how we are the ones that take it on board more so than they and how we lose sleep and are stressed about words that may have been said in anger. Thankfully I haven’t had any major conflicts with mum, she is lucid the majority of the time, but I see in her eyes how she fades in and out from reality. My nagging and ordering is mainly for Pop who, though he knows he must continue his exercise regime is a little forgetful too or a case of “I couldn’t be bothered”. I am fortunate that they are so close and that I can keep an eye on them. You are right the list is endless and it is straining on both parties concerned. Thank you for your advice, it’s a fine line to tread. The car still needs to be sold, the sale fell through and it sits as a reminder to Pop and the freedom he once had and that would be tough on anyone, let alone the elderly. Appreciate you reading and your comments.

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