silent, dark and moth
These words were given to me from http://whoatethedaisies.wordpress.com/ as an inspiration to write the other evening and I had nothing… I now write the below (I probably still have nothing) but I’m giving it a try, I am letting my thoughts flow a little more. Critique welcome.
fingers splintering on bare wood
the night, eyes closed ~ except through
my third eye, the centre of my brows
early hours are silent, bar the tinkering
ivories that draws me from unconscious sleep
dreams will not be ReMembered
when I wake yet still I wonder
violins draw close, like moths
fluttering, movement; bow on strings
music helps my flight, as I drift or am I deep
in slumber now
wings circle overhead escaping from the birds
hush morning do not come to soon
I am in the woods, a far off place
morning will enter, UNknowingly disturb
spin… SPin hallucinating?
rest, tortuous circles upon the pillow
REALity or not, dreams, nightmare
bring me back to violins and
the black and white
so that I may rest tonight
****************************
LIPTEMBER MONTH OF SEPTEMBER – Shaun from http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com has kindly and generously written a blog for Liptember to help Kayla raise funds for the fight against Mental Illness. He has donated recently, as have a few of my readers. Please read and if you can donate (for those that haven’t already) we would be most grateful. Please re-blog his post too if you can, to get this out there. Thank You! We are in the process of getting a Pay Pal address for those who have had difficulty donating.
Ramblings From A Mum 
Jenny, I really thought this wonderful. I would replace dragon with something else, but it is good.>KB
Really? I am so happy – thank you so very much KB. What should I replace with?
Something less fairy taleish. Try an abstract thought, an emotion, something out of the box.>KB
could you perhaps look now?
Much much better. On a third reading I have to say there are moments of light shinning in it, not that the poem doen’t glow, but beautiful moments.>KB
Thank you, that is such a compliment. This is what is meant by the reader picking up on details that the writer does not see…
Very vivid dream going on Mumsy and I like it alot. You certainly rose up to the challenge. Big Smile xxx
thank you Max 🙂 A few alterations required I think..just a smidgen here and there 😉 xxx
I touch bare wood splintering the quietude (a bit too telling instead of showing for me, and you want something to grip the reader and pull them in)
of the night, eyes closed ~ except through
my third eye, the centre of my brows
the early hours are silent bar the tinkering(cut the before early, comma after silent)
ivories that draws me from unconscious sleep
in which dreams will not be remembered (cut in which)
when I wake yet still I wonder
spin… SPin …nice use of CAPS…smiles.. i think you have something, but could use some work to give it some zing…
Hello and once again I thank you Brian for your critique I am making the changes and having another look at it now – in the light of day 🙂 Appreciate your feed-back and always and reading. (Thought you would like the caps) 🙂
I loved it, Mumsy and those images are just gorgeous!
hope you had a great weekend. Hugs Paula xxx
Hello possum, thank you, yes I had a lovely one as I hope you did xxx
I did! just a little too much Jacks! Lol Nite xxxxx
a search for a return of balance and peace – nice
thank you Beth – if only most nights I was able to drift into perfect slumber 🙂 x
Beautiful job! I love how you got the moths in! 🙂
and you are the one to thank/blame 🙂 thank you – but I just noticed I didn’t get dark in (mybad) lol xxx
I thought you did! Trisky of you to make you think you got all the words in there 😉
my plan worked – go to bed woman! xx 😉
Shhhhh. I’m sleep blogging. Don’t wake me up. 😉 xx
sssorry ssshh 😉 x
😉
No, you got the concept of “dark” in there a few ways. That’s as good as using the word as far as I’m concerned 😉 You win, um … three more words! hehe
I can’t use you win um lol but thanks I passed clap hands for moi 🙂 x
BAHAHA you’re clever enough to use, you win um. I double dog dare you. 😉