Helping out of Love (Prose)

Mum

Mum

looking upon another’s life
who gives us~ their young
their offspring, the knowledge
to determine what is wrong
and what is right ~ the ethical
are we the deciders of their destiny
who see a life that could be ~ when
the person themselves does not seek
the truth or understand our love
the signs of something horrible to come

the disease that strikes upon
the aged, the memory no longer there
the feeling that they are caged
I want to help, we all do, but your
phone call tonight, your voice so
scared and angry, the thought of
locking you away
combined with other arguments
I felt your fear, it grasped my heart
~ and I…I don’t know what to say

and as you hung up on me
I can’t call you back to say
I am dealing with so much right now
I know you are confused and why
the family do what they need to do
but believe me with all my heart
it’s help we seek, to get you through
if only I could convince you…
if only I could say

I do this out of love for you
today and everyday

©jmtacken 21/11/2013

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36 thoughts on “Helping out of Love (Prose)

  1. This is such a terrible and cruel disease , it robs the personality and the “being!” I really do not know how to comfort you except to say I do empathize as I have been there with my Mum . One day at a time , one problem at a time. You can do no wrong if you keep patience ( you will be sorely tried and you will loose your patience!) and love you will get through this. I send you love and good wishes. xxxxxx

    • Patience.. I thought I had it Willow…but we argue so much of late and I try to come to grips of her being still my mum… but not …the mum I knew and had and that’s the hardest part. Thank you for your love and good wishes xxxxx

      • Yes it is so hard to come to terms with you have , as I did , lost your mother. Sadly she has gone , so grief and be so brave just try to love this stranger, lost and bewildered in your midst. Confused and frightened, bad tempered , mannered and even violent …… I know it is hard to accept but this is not really what she wants to say or do, she is scared like you. Please get any help there is on offer from friends family and the local authorities. I have to go out soon so if you reply I may not answer immediately but I will..I am here if you need to vent!

      • you have brought tears Willow – for though lucid most days, she is slipping away and of course she does not realise that she is…. Yes, she has all what you have described…we are seeking help…but she refuses and it will be a battle tomorrow to get her to see the Geriatrician for an assessment, hence her phone call tonight and hanging up on me. Life is changing… thank you for your comments and your offer to help…I feel I will be venting alot in the very near future. xxxxx

  2. In your heart you know your mom is not angry with you as much as she is angry that she is losing control of her life as she knew it. When her mind is present, she knows and is frustrated. Don’t we always strike hardest at the ones we love best?
    No words I say can take away your pain but this is my small offering.

  3. so very hard to be in the middle of all of it and dealing with so much. your mother is beautiful and you look very much alike. take a deep breath and do what you need to do to keep your balance.

  4. another hard one. geez. need to send you some happy days. yes, its not easy for them to understand why we do the things we do or even that the intent is love as well…helen is right, make sure you do take care of yourself through this.

    • Hi Bri – no a crappy night yesterday. I am going to post on the day shortly, it was interesting… trying to just suffering burning shoulders which is my over stressed signal – thank you for your support – appreciated.

  5. I remember my own grandmother my mom did everything not to put her into care because my grandmother had this huge fear of abandonment. She hired nurses when she was at work, multiple nurses even though she couldn’t afford it but in the hour between one nurses shift and the next my grandmother fell and broke her hips. She was alone unable to call for help and suffering for that whole hour. My mom put her into care after but surprisingly my grandmother despite years and years of extreme hostility over that point settled in really well. She made friends. The loss of her memories brought her a strange peace, her life had been so intensely traumatic that she was actually seemed much happier. She smiled more, socialized, the constant fighting, and horrendous mood swings stopped. In those final years my mom and grandmother became super close. She did not forget me or my mom. She usually knew my husband though sometimes she thought he was her dead son. I am sending you positive vibes and hoping for the best. Not all care facilities are horror stories. I am not sure if that helps knowing. I watched a Ted Talk on the topic. I found it useful in my grandmother’s case she loved playing cards and could do that happily

  6. I wish you all the best dear ~ I haven’t been in this situation so I can only empathize with your challenges ~ But I do pray that she will know your love for her in one way or the other ~

    Hugs ~

  7. I have so many friends going through this right now. It’s so difficult when all our parents want is to be independently living with their dignity still intact. By the way, beautifully expressed as always.

    • Hello Beck ~ thank you ~ yes as we age they do also ~ she is scared and I have to understand and support and hope that we can care for her and Pop under their own roof for some time to come {hugs Beck} xx

  8. Oh, this is so difficult, Jen. Combining love and care and trying to do what’s right for everyone while still trying to manage your own life. My own mum feared the idea of a care home more than anything. She never explained why but she was adamant that she would not go into one even although her terminal illness required round the clock care. My brothers and sisters and I worked a rota to try to maintain her at my sister’s home. But it didn’t really work. I took her home with me and she was happy even though she was very ill. She just wanted to be in among family. With my crowd around she was never really alone. She stayed with us until the very end. It was hard on everyone. I was shattered by the end of it. But I would do it all again.
    The difference with your mum and dad I imagine is that this illness can be one of long duration, there are safety issues as well as care ones. You said before that you’re dad isn’t in good health either. Among people I know where someone has succumbed to this illness, the ultimate answer has been a care home because no one could manage the 24 hour care that was required for the length of time that it was needed. Years in many cases.
    Their own perception of their needs appears to change too. This sounds awful but there is a self-interest that is almost like that of a child’s. An inability to see the bigger picture. Demanding. Petulant even. We know it’s part of the ageing and illness but it doesn’t make for reasonable conversations.
    I hope she is receptive to reason, Jen. But, no matter what happens you know that her anger is really fear. She may say hurtful things, guilt trip you even. But it’s part of the fear. And there is a measure of manipulation in much the same way that kids know which buttons to press.
    Hang on in because you wouldn’t do otherwise. And I pray that a solution that’s workable can be found for everyone. x

    • Thank you Scottie as much as it is painful for others, to sometimes talk about, it comforts me to know that I am amongst many who are having to be brave and battle the fight against this insidious disease. You are correct about being petulant and child like and it’s tough not get into an argument with her. Today I spent 2 hours tidying up a food cupboard, that Pop has tried to get her to do for years. I found so many empty bottles, and out of date groceries… She then wanted to see everything I threw out – even the empty bottles (herb & spices) I had to convince her hard that as she hasn’t used them for so long – she wouldn’t be in the future. At the moment they are both in the home until it gets necessary for something to be done..and bless you for telling me your story too, sharing and explaining the experiences of others is helpful – appreciate your kindness. xx

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