My Mother’s Day – Chat time

Today – Mother’s Day.

Firstly I am thankful as I said in my last post that my mum is still with me. I have read many posts today about some who had a tough upbringing as a child, some who have lost their mums and those who have sadly lost a child. All of them equally as important as another. I thank you for your comments on my Mother’s Day poem and for the bravery you showed in what you wrote and your generous and kind comments to me.

We went to the venue – a Pub towards the city. Firstly mum and Pop (well mum) wondered why we had to travel so far. This is a lady who is confined to her home now and has a grizzle about not being able to get out. We are talking a 45 minute car trip (not have your passport ready).

She was in a mood, wishing to not be happy, to the point of not liking where we were, or what she ate. To watch your mum as an adult, pout, pull faces like a child is very disconcerting and disheartening. Daughter #1 (the eldest) who arranged the venue went to talk to her throughout the afternoon and got very little feedback or response. She was upset by this, she went and cried in the toilet, swearing she won’t try and organise something again. I don’t blame her. There were other reasons for this decision, but I won’t go into those.

Mum’s moods are getting worse, plain to see and it takes strength from all the family not to get angry with her.

Through the afternoon, eldest daughter said “Perhaps she is thinking about Paul”? Paul is my youngest brother who passed 10 years ago, tragically. Perhaps it was this, that made her mood aggressive, compiled with own everyday thoughts and confusion.

I did not ask her, it wasn’t the time not the place to do so.

She was thrilled by the flowers I brought to her in the morning and the card, but then the world changed when Mr.S and I picked them up. It’s difficult, it’s baffling and it’s sadly to say frustrating.

I am not perfect, I know this. I whinge and whine when perhaps I should hold back, especially on posts. So yes I get angry, I’m human and I feel terrible for doing so, but I can’t help it.

If I could return to the laughter and the reminiscing of events that happened within the family I would. If I could bring back the mum who didn’t care where she was or what her meal was like I would. Sadly I can’t this, this is who she is now. I spoke to a friend who visited them with their mum(after we dropped them back home) a friend of my penguins for many years, who afterwards sent me a text saying ..mum doesn’t even remember what she had for lunch.

She will always be my mother but
no longer the one I had
No longer the mother that I knew
back when I was young
Her life has changed
I compensate, to try and live
in her world now, where there’s
love but sadly also hate
of her life…her situation

I hope all of you Mum’s had a wonderful day. Onward and upward as they say, tomorrow’s a brand new day.
x

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40 thoughts on “My Mother’s Day – Chat time

  1. yes, onward and upward, jen. it’s hard but try to understand, as they get older and have less control, they want the familiar, the easy, no change in schedule, they are upset by life, by worrying about being closer to the end, frustrated, impatient, angry, impulsive, with childlike responses to things, and the only ones they can lash out at, is those closest to them. the key, as i discovered over time and trial and error, is to set the expectation low, keep it simple, stop by for a visit, bring a food or dessert, which they will probably complain about, and then go on and do what you enjoy for the day, with your own children, and she will be happier without the ‘disruption’ of having to change her busy schedule to accommodate your crazy whirlwind day you have planned for her. hard to not take it personally, but it is the nature of the beast, as they say. ) hugs – b

    • Thank you Beth, I have to change my thoughts, I realise. I guess I have been so used to ‘how things were’ now my world has been shook a little, along with hers. Thank you for the excellent advise, which I will take on board. You are right, it’s the disruption to her ‘every day’ that causes her angst and those around her are in the firing line as a consequence. The nature of the beast, is what it is and I have to change how I am around her now in order to keep the peace. Hugs for your comment and your wisdom xx

  2. Our aging parents present issues we never expected to deal with, your mum is being your mum as she is on Mother’s day 2014. Its how she is and as Beth above says you do what you can and you get on with your life, hers is a life not like you recognise and as painful as it is you have your life to lead and stuff happening in it. Care for your parents knowing your dad must be doing it tough too and you I know will always be there for him. That’s what you do Jenny, be there for them.

  3. Oh Jen….I’m so sorry it was so difficult for everyone. I admire your tenacity to try and do wonderful things. Even if your mum doesn’t fully understand, or isn’t capable of appreciating the efforts. It sounds like your mum is someone who would so dearly love what you and your families have done for them. And maybe there’s a small part of your mum trapped inside this aging version of herself cheering you all on for loving them. ❤

    • Hello darling, yes she is trapped and I guess I feel I have the key, but I don’t any longer. I know she loves us and this is not her, it’s coming to terms with that now. A new day has begun, a new attitude from me must start. Thank you for your lovely words. Hugs xx

      • Even knowing that this is not “her” but age related or otherwise related…. doesn’t always make it easier to see in someone you love. I wish you strength and encouragement Jen. ❤

    • Hello Nelson, thank you, yes it is a tad, but after reading everyone’s comments this morning. I know that I must approach the situation differently than what I have been doing. Appreciate your kindness.

  4. I’m inclined to agree with Beth and certainly found that changes from the familiar tended to lead to problems of various descriptions with both my parents in their last years.
    I think it’s crucial, too, to remember that it’s those whom we most love that we tend to offend most. Not a huge consolation, I know, but definitely a sort of back hand compliment.

    • Hello – yes a back handed compliment, but one that is true. She depends on me, more than my brother, therefore I cop the brunt of the moods. Yesterday at lunch, when daughter was sitting next to her trying to talk, she wanted a tissue, instead of asking daughter or those next to her, she asked (demanded) that I get one for her…. It’s tricky with the familiar being disconcerting for her as she often says that her life is boring now, yet we try and take her out only to find she doesn’t like it -( appreciate your kind words SB. xx

  5. Oh dear, Jen – I think your mother may be related to mine. My sisters took my mother out yesterday because I live in a different state. I called her and she sounded frail, but the certainly does test the patience of everyone around her (she also pulls faces). It can be very trying and people say to me that older people aren’t really different from when they were younger, but their habits and foibles just become a little more pronounced (which is a nice way to put it). We always say to each other ‘ tell me if I ever get like that’ 😉

    I hope you had a lovely day with your children – sending you big hugs xxx

    • They must be related, but in a way I smile that I’m not the only one who suffers with getting the ‘pout’. Unfortunately yes they revert to children in so many ways, it wasn’t the best of days, but thankfully today when I visited she was better. Oh yes we all say that to each other..but I wonder will we..and if so what will happen to us? 😦 Thank you darling, hope yours was lovely too xxx

  6. First of all, Happy Belated Mother’s Day to you, Jen. I understand your feelings. We are dealing with child like behavior with my husband’s parents. It’s so difficult for the child to see their parents that way. I loved Beth’s advice. I think we too will put it into practice. So sorry you have this situation to deal with, Jen. As you said, onward and upward.

    • Hello gorgeous and a happy belated to you too. Thankfully when I visited today she laughed and was ok! Bonus, considering yesterday. It’s tough but I’m not alone in this scenario as you say. We can do what we can, hoping the sun shines for them tomorrow. Hugs and thank you darling. ❤ xx

  7. Your poem really resonates as I am going through the same struggles. Living in her world is hard, it’s not a world that empowers. Instead it’s a world that disempowers. This process is so confusing, Jen. Happy mother’s day to you and hugs XX

    • Thank you precious, hugs for you and your mum too. It is a confusing process for them and us equally and we can only try and understand as much as we can. Happy belated to you, if I did not wish you before. xxx

  8. it shard when moms get older…she sounds a bit like my gramma who has completely lost her filter….ha….its interesting to say the least and she does not understand when she hurts others feelings….hope you enjoyed hte day regardless…

  9. My grandmother had lost a son as well. He was a solider and came home unexpectedly early to surprise his wife and she shot him thinking he was an intruder. She was obviously devastated by this and as she got older she would often refer to my husband by her deceased son’s name (they look nothing whatever alike) and so she would confide in my husband quite a lot. She did suffer from a serious mood disorder but with age and the loss of her memories she became happier and more peaceful significantly less moody and aggressive. She never had a filter to begin with and could be alarmingly vulgar but age softened her a lot. Like your mum though she didn’t like change. For years she would start intense fights about nursing homes even though my mom had no intention of putting her into one, she was just so suspicious and paranoid about it. Later my grandmother’s health deteriorated and my mom hired nurses but between the shifts my grandmother broke both hips so my mom decided she needed more care. My grandmother didn’t complain about the nursing home like years before she went in peacefully the broken hips must have scared her but also she had to be in care for the rehabilitation and she liked the staff. She ended up liking the home and became quite popular ironically because she had once been a handful and hard to get on with. After that she didn’t want to leave the home for extended periods. My mom went all out for X-mas and brought her home but she wasn’t having it. The hardest thing I found was her hearing loss because we’d once talked about everything and she couldn’t hear me at all in her later years so we couldn’t converse freely. I agree with Ksbeth change and having so little control over your life is hard but also terrifying. I think that sort of defiance is normal in humans and you see it anytime people feel vulnerable.

  10. Oh Yves such a story, how absolutely terrible for your grandmother, losing her son that way. How extremely sad. Thank you for telling me her story and yours, my mum won’t budge, whilst Pop is alive she will stay at home with him. I do not know what I shall do if Pop, leaves us first as she will be difficult to control. Beth’s advise was excellent – as I’ve said it’s a long tough road ahead. Thanks Yves for your interesting and sad story. xx

  11. So sorry to hear of your frustrations and concerns for your parents Jen. It must be so difficult. Don’t feel guilty for feeling angry or hurt or frustrated. It’s human! I know the feeling as I experience it with my mum, and she is no where near at the same stage or situation as your parents. I dread what she will be like because now she is “difficult”. There is no instruction manual I guess. You just have to take each event, each day as it comes and try to take a deep breath when things test your patience.
    I guess things evolve into a “new normal” that everyone has to adjust to.

    • Thanks Trace, yes difficult becomes more difficult unfortunately. Yes some days are good, some not. It’s lovely to hear her laugh, I between the days of not having a clue what’s going on. The glazed and dazed look, is becoming far more frequent now unfortunately. Like child rearing, no manual handed out 😦

  12. I started back away’s, with reading your posts. Sorry about your Mum’s changing and I can relate on some of this, too. I hope that the memories can compensate for the more ‘fussy’ and incomprehensible Mum you have now. I love that you got her flowers and that cheered her up. I am also sorry about the loss of your brother, Paul, even if 10 years have passed, that is a hard thing to have happen, children and siblings are so much harder, in most ways, than losing a mother or father. My two best friends don’t have Mom’s so they tell me I am lucky. My Mom is a little unraveling around the edges, a little paranoiac, hiding her things and also, since Easter complaining about her knee. My brother felt sorry for her, took her to the hospital for a battery of tests, only to find out it is a sprain or lump like a bruise where she twisted a muscle a bit. Poor dear Mom (and your Mum, too) I have to feel sorry for them, since they would be horrified to ‘see’ a clip of their present self, back in the past, when they were our rocks, shelter and source of loving understanding. Hugs, Robin

  13. Unravelling at the edges is a good description. Thank you for your kind words as usual Robin, I do so love your responses. Sorry your mom went through that with her knee, sometimes they are unaware when they actually hurt themselves now. Mum has watched ‘videos’ when she was in her prime for want of another expression and all she can say is ” I am old now”, but I wonder how much she realises. We can only hang in there can’t we and do what we must. I wish you luck with yours, may the memories hold strong and thank you also for reading some of my older posts~ appreciated. Hugs x

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