Borderline Personality Disorder

It is Thursday the 26th of June. I sit at the home of my parents.

I thought about writing this weeks ago,  not knowing if I should ‘explain my situation’, but I now do,  in the hope that anyone else who reads my ‘blog’ may be helped in some way. Anyone that they may know that might display the symptoms of BPD can then hopefully try and receive the care and attention that they need.

4 weeks ago (almost 5) my youngest daughter (27) had a ‘major meltdown’ and as a consequence, my life spiraled out of control, as did hers. She lived with me and my partner Mr. S and also her boyfriend.

Some of you have emailed and I have explained my situation, or a brief outline.

I write this now, for any parent or family member who has a child/teenager or adult still under their care, or that they may know, who may have been diagnosed with depression, or with bipolar/anxiety, that there maybe another illness that it could possibly be.

One that up to 7 months ago, I had never heard about. It is called – Borderline Personality Disorder, or more commonly BPD.

Borderline can be closely linked with also having depression, bi-polar or anxiety.

My daughter K attends the DBT (Dialectal Behaviour Therapy) Centre in Melbourne. This Clinic specialises in using a Modified Cognitive Behavioural Therapy treatment.

Many therapists won’t take on patients with BPD as it is so complex and frustrating and simply hard work.
Martha Linehan  http://linehaninstitute.org/ introduced this style of therapy and only recently was it then public knowledge, that she herself suffered from BPD.

It is a confusing and frustrating mental illness, the patient suffering from extreme sensitivity to all matters, to the point where emotional outbursts, sometimes will result in violence to others or self harm and or suicide of the patient.

This is her life, my life and that of my family. I was guilty. I did not understand, I did not read up about it, what it entailed, how severe it was. I learnt the hard way.

There are 9 indications that a person has BPD. For those that wish to read a little on what BPD is –

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/9670.php

For the past 4 weeks I have not lived in my home, spending the first week with my eldest daughter and now my parents.  My partner had to remove himself from the situation on that terrible night, moving elsewhere, but we are trying to keep our relationship together. I am now in a position where I have to sell my home, as my income is limited. I cannot live with K nor can she live with me.

This illness is described as a ‘relationship killer’. Or the ‘love/hate relationship’. Carers and or family members having to walk on eggshells, for fear of triggering their emotions.

There have been factors/incidences, that I think/feel have manifested in her, resulting in her diagnosis of BPD, which I cannot go into detail about.

She, displayed to the outside world a happy, confident young woman with a great sense of humour. Underlying, however was festering BPD.

I love my daughter with every breath that I breathe, but I cannot live with her any longer. I have so much guilt, as a mother who does not want her to self harm or god forbid even contemplate suicide, because she feels she cannot cope with the ‘normal’ world around her. Thankfully, her therapist has not seen any signs of this.

I have spoken to others on WordPress who are sufferers, I have joined a monthly support group to help me try to connect once more with the daughter that I love. I read and read all that I can, but because her ‘personality’ can jump from one extreme to the next, managing or understanding what she suffers is extremely difficult. It is not like bi-polar where there are extreme highs, then extreme lows. BDP sufferers experience this continually… the virtual see-saw.

From what I have learned or more so witnessed with my daughter, is we can compartmentalize our thoughts/actions at a given time. She/they can not. What we may ‘spread over’ a day or a week, she/they have constantly circling in their minds. Lists are written to try and help her cope daily, lists which she would always read out loud to me, of what she had to do each day, in order to get some ‘peace’ in her mind. I would be constantly contacted by text, if I was out, with K advising me what she was doing next.  Still, even though I knew this wasn’t right for a girl of 27, I did not look into it further.

Jobs were plentiful, as BPD sufferers sabotage jobs they are in, even if they are enjoying it. They have no self worth, also feeling that others should handle their distress.

The family or carers, must ‘cop the tirades’, the abuse, only when it becomes violent must we walk away from the situation, in order to protect ourselves, or them.

It is distressing, it is heartbreaking, but I have been advised and read that it is to an extent curable.  It can take many years to do so however. The patient must learn the skills required, not to be triggered by what others say or do, or events that they experience, to cope with their own instabilities. The recipient must also learn strategies not to evoke, upset and try to understand what they are experiencing.

I am doing what I can, but as a parent I am ashamed to say that I am limited. Selling my home/her home, in order for me to survive, plays heavily on my heart as her mother and my emotions, as BPD’s have a great fear of abandonment (even if they aren’t being abandoned) are understandably erratic right now .

I live with mum and Pop and as many of you know, mum has dementia, so I have taken on the role of full time carer for both of them for the time being. When I move I will also be an hours drive from them, which may not seem much, but I have always been within minutes of them.

But this isn’t about me and how I feel, or what I’ve been going through.  It is about an illness that not many have heard about, or are able to comprehend. To an outsider, the BPD is just acting like a ‘spoilt brat’, seeking attention, wishing to manipulate, but this is not true.

Their process of dealing with emotions of any kind is vastly different to those who don’t suffer this.

For weeks, this has consumed me, to try and do the right thing. She has no where else to live other than my home, which I cannot afford to keep any longer. This is my dilemma, being torn apart, not wanting to lose my partner of 6 years whom I love and knowing what I can do,  that won’t see my youngest baby in the streets. Public housing is pretty much non existent here. Private renting is available, but expensive. Crisis housing not an option, as she and her B/F would have to move from one place to the next every few days and I know she would not be able to take or cope with this, nor do either of them have a steady income.

I am in discussion with her father and I talk constantly with my friends and I can only hope we can reach a solution and soon.

I am now seeing a therapist, as I feel as if I have been drowning, but my daughter K is the one who is drowning the most and I will do whatever I can to ensure that she is cured of this terrible illness and able to live a happy and well adjusted life in the future. That is all any parent wishes. This is what I wish, as she feels that I do not love her or support her in this.

So, in closing, I can only suggest that you seek help from your Medical Practitioner, if you feel that you, or someone you love or know, maybe showing signs of BPD.

Help is out there, it is a long road that I travel, but an even longer road for my darling ‘baby girl’..

 

PS:  I thank you if you have read. I thank all of you, those that read me regularly and knew nothing of my situation and yet have shown and given support, love and encouragement along these weeks, which to me at this juncture, seem like months.

 

 

 

 

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105 thoughts on “Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. Jen, this post is incredibly informative and full of love. My heart aches for your entire family. When I started in my current job years ago my boss explained BPD as easily as she could by saying “I hate you don’t leave me”. Which of course is an extreme over simplification. But it made sense when trying to figure out how families were trying to cope. I’ve seen the pain and suffering this causes for families. Though I don’t know your story until today, I have seen what BPD can do. I’m glad you’ve taken steps to take care of you, while still caring so deeply for your daughter. I will say, you are the first person I have ever heard say that there is possibility of a cure, and for that, I am excited. Your explanation made more sense to me than anything I’ve read to date. I’m sorry for the pains you are all dealing with, but admire all that you are doing.

    • It is most definitely I hate you/don’t leave me Colleen. There are reports that taking relatively high doses of fish oil seems to be having some effect in studies also. I wish the pain was with everyone in my family, it is I mainly, in the firing line. Most I sadly say have buried their heads in the sand. I am glad that you were able to get some information from what I wrote, this is why I did it, to try and assist any others with this horrible illness and to try and explain my absence and my posts of late ~ thank you for reading. xx

  2. You are doing all you can Jenny to care both for you and your daughter. That you are now informed makes the task both terrifying and doable. I too wish you well in this as I know how difficult it has been and will continue to be so for some time. Take care.

    • It does Michael extremely terrifying , thank you for your support ‘behind the wings’ as it were. I am hoping for an end to this as soon as possible, especially for her. Thank you very much my friend.

  3. I’m thinking of you, Jen and wish you all the strength in the world to get through this. Guilt and fear (for K’s future) are awful emotions to live with and it is as important for you to seek therapy as it is for K. I know I’ve said this before, but you are number one and if you don’t look after yourself as number one you won’t be able to care for others. Writing this post is a great step. It’s not only cathartic for you, but you are now reaching out to others in the same situation. Sending you big hugs my friend ❤

    • Thank you so much Di, for your support also. I have had one visit with the therapist and also have been given support and care groups to speak with. I think writing this has helped, if even in a small way. Thank you for the hugs and being there. ❤ xx

  4. What a huge burden you have to bear. Thankyou for sharing so openly- I can feel your brokenness over this situation and it must feel like a living nightmare. Someone I met recently (fiancee of a good friend) had been diagnosed with ADHD and bi-polar, but the psychologist is now looking into BPD. Praying you get the support you need and for a miracle with finances. xoxo

    • Merryn, k bares it more than I, though it does feel a living nightmare. After reading and attending the first support group, it struck me how many are actually affected and how little public medical help is available for these sufferers. Thank you so much for your kind words, appreciated. xx

  5. ugh…i know how hard this is…i used to work in counseling…make sure as you walk through this that you care for yourself…and you do need to set boundaries with her…it may seem she does not understand them at times, but…i dont envy the journey you are on…

    • It’s one little step at a time on this long road, you are right Brian, that’s why I started seeking help also, for if I get ill, I won’t be of any use to her or anyone. I have set a couple of boundaries so far, which seem to be accepted and learning to be used. No. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone either. Thank you for your kindness and also your support my friend.

      • hey you…thought of you this morning and wanted to say hi…hope you are doing well…or better…and that a bit of sun is finding you…smiles.

      • Hello and yes morning here now..just. About the same, ups & downs all week with K.
        I do appreciate you thinking of me, that is very sweet of you. Unfortunately no sun here, winter has its umbrella up on our side of the world, which doesn’t make for good moods.

  6. Jen,
    Thank you for being so brave and sharing your family’s truths about this disease. Mental illness doesn’t get talked about enough. You will get through this, I’m just sorry it is taking such a toll on you. One day at a time, friend. Hugs.

    • Beck, I thank you so much and you are right, it doesn’t get spoken about, as much as I love my Pop, when I first told him, his reply..well I think you could imagine, being his age, he simply can’t comprehend it. I couldn’t at first, until you are confronted with it within your family or someone you know, you can’t understand it. I hope this may help others, it was cathartic for me to write as Di said. Hugs xxx

  7. Jen I just wrote you a long reply that just disappeared into the either.
    What I wanted to say is that you have so much on and although I would love to help o can’t.
    What I can say is please try not to loose yourself in all this struggle to hold everyone else together.
    It is hard enough having to forgo your partner, your home, your training to be a celebrant whilst holding your parents and your youngest child together. WHO is there for you. I can always listen as can all of us here at wordpress. Please seek support from where ever you can. As for the boyfriend where are his parents, can they not help too. I do not know what to say but to wish you well and send you love. xxx

  8. I can’t put a “like” on this post as seeing someone in this much pain leaves very little to like. My greatest hope is that you get through this soon and you and Mr. S are able to continue your life together.

  9. A big post and a baring post. So a big comment I think.

    First, Yay for you, to post this. It is the way we help remove the stigma to mental health, with openness and a dialogue. BPD unfortunately has a great deal of stigma attached to it as it can be so difficult for those that contend with it in therapy, Those that suffer with it undiagnosed or misdiagnosed and the families that suffer along.

    But, and this is as I told you in emails, a massive but, this is one of the few mental disorders that has a cure, not just a treatment, but a complete cure. You have read this, I have told you this and I have my first patient that I will be removing the BPD classification from shortly. I hope for many more too, I know that this will be the case.

    It is small steps, many backward too, but that is why small steps, so when backward it is easier to go forward again. It takes some time and it takes commitment from the patient, therapist and family. Therapy is more complex, I like to involve, with therapy, the family and yes all therapists, involved as it is a group effort a team effort. Therapy is important for everyone, tis much to contend with. I am super happy you have sought therapy too. It is so important. You are a great Mom Jenn. Yes you can not live with her, but you are there for her and helping. You are caring and trying so hard to understand, to help. Do not be afraid of rules and be firm, but always be there, take extra time to explain what seems explanation is not needed for, fear of abandonment is very powerful. Never lash back as hard as this is, meet rage with calmness. meet love with love. 🙂

    DBT is not for everyone, yes it is very effective for many, I hope for K. If it is not the answer, do not despair, there are other therapies that are also effective. The patient too, must be ready tor therapy. This too, sometimes takes time.

    There will be some hard times, as you have seen, there are some great times too. Small steps, as many forward as possible.

    love
    Amber

    • I knew that you would be happy that I wrote this and I am even happier to read that you will soon be declassifying one of your BPD’s that gives me hope. Being a Professional, I am also happy that you have explained parts that I may not have. I can only hope when I tell her the house will be sold, that she can cope. Many many steps Amber and I thank you for your emails, guidance and support through all of this. It truly has helped. I will continue in the hope that our relationship gets back to how it was, if we get over this next huge hurdle ❤ xx

  10. I would give you 10 stars if I could. Support groups are wonderful and they help tremendously; when you don’t feel you have the energy, go anyway. The mutual support will get you and others through the rough times. I was in a Parents Anonymous Group for over 20 years, if it had not been for the other parents in the group I can’t say where we would be today.

    Mental illness is very difficult to deal with but you have made a great move in removing the veil of shame to help yourself and others. Any time a person in a family has a mental illness, the whole family suffers with it. You must be you and take care of yourself first…. the mother who can’t swim cannot save her child from drowning.

    I will pray for you. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    • Thank you Jackie, I am glad for any reason that you also accepted support and that it has helped you. Mental illness does affect everyone and we do suffer, but the saying I’ve adopted is now..it is what it is and no turning back, only forwards. I do love your saying about the mother who can’t swim. it’s gorgeous. Thank you for your prayers, appreciated. ❤ xx

  11. I am at a loss for words that can help your heart, Jen. Good that you have spoken out about this condition. Sorry to hear you have so much on your plate and hope you will overcome and that your daughter will gain from the help and love you continue to give her. ❤ ❤ ❤

    • I appreciate that Tess, thank you so much, the support of you and my other friends is what I need, as no doubt over time, I shall be writing more on what is happening. Life is…a little more than hectic right now, I just wish for calm at this point, for K, myself and everyone. ❤ xxx

  12. SHIT JEN 😦 I am sorry hon ❤ I reformatted my PC and lost your email… Email me so I can email back, just when you have time..
    Having a disability of ANY kind in the family home can cause untold misery, I am sorry you have seen it up and close and personal. I have seen it destroy families, had I not had Dawn I would be living on my own by now. It is the worst.. All I can say is stay strong, believe any treatment can and will help. Keep smiling, keep trying, never let the bastard beat you, the family I mean. We can all easily give in to a home wrecker that is a Disability.

    You know see why I write about my disability a lot, therapy…and it helps..
    Have you asked your Daughter to write about how she feels, what she thinks etc? Sometimes when the person suffering see's it written down by themselves on a PC document or a piece of paper it REALLY can help. I was told to do it and it helps me…Ask her Dr first of course.

    I am so sorry a disability has done this to your home..
    …it tried to do it to mine and I never let it. With help of course.

    You know where I am always ok..
    And for your Daughter, send her a ❤ from Dawn and I…
    I know how you feel, where you are in life…Don't let it eat you…please.. ❤

    Love
    Shaun…. x x

    • Thank you Shaun, I will email you later. Yes I know why you write mate and it helped me slightly to have it in the open. I don’t think she would want to write, but I am going to give her some BPD websites that I follow, where she can read and see of others who suffer this. I have hope, that one day she will be a recovering BPD, in the meantime, I do what I can do. Thank you mate xx

      • That is the aim, recovering. I still hope I can. It’s such a shame for the girl. She must have been so confused all this time. At least now you can start the process of moving on and dealing. The hardest part is getting past that bit. Once you move past acceptance, it really does become easier. And for your Daughter, knowing what she has will be a kind of relief for her. Maybe she thought she had some other brain issue that was worse. And do let her read every site you can on the illness, once she realises she ain’t alone, that on it’s own will make her feel a little better. Connecting with other sufferers is a total must Jen. I know it’s hard now, but the aim has to be to make the best out of a bad thing. I am always here ok..I know I keep saying that…But you will need to get it out also. Otherwise it can eat you up. Dawn is part of a Fibromalagia Partners Group. It made or helped her understand what to do, how to deal, what to say etc..Won’t do you any harm either…

        x You will get past this, the hard bit I mean.. x

  13. I am a recovering borderline…with therapy and meditation, most of my symptoms have been in remission. It is possible to come out the other side of this illness stronger and wiser. I wish you and your daughter the best!

    • Butterfly…I thank you so much for firstly reading and letting me know about your recovery. It warms my heart, knowing that she will be one day, how she once was. Appreciate you writing this comment, more than you know…thank you ❤

  14. If anyone can cope with this, Jen, you can. Little consolation in the moment but you are your father’s daughter. Your earlier post on him speaks volumes on inherited fortitude. May your daughter find hers. I’m so sorry for your hurting and every mother’s tears at your difficult choices. I know you will get through this but am heart sorry that you have to.
    I’m so glad you posted about this. I believe everyone shares the experience of mental anguish in so many different ways. Understanding the diversity helps us all to be more open and supportive.
    I’m here if you need me, Jen, as are others who feel your presence here as family and friend.x

    • Darling Anne-Marie, I thank you. I only hope I have the fortitude that Pop has and also K. I thank you for your emails, your support and love and I am in awe of the support and encouragement I am receiving, a ‘virtual’ who knows no one out there ..only through my words. I just sent the email to her advising the house will be on the market next week. I wrote and rewrote it and pressing the send button was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Bless you. xxx

  15. thank you so much for sharing this, jen. i’m happy you have reached out for support and giant hugs to you and your family. everyone who cares suffers when one you love suffers. please take care of yourself. beth

  16. For it not to be recognised that you love the person you do, as much as you do, is a terrible thing, more so when they are unwell.
    You are very brave in sharing this. But I hope you can see by the replies how much everyone is thinking of you.

    Richard

  17. I am thinking of you even if you have not heard from me. I will email you soon as my trip is coming to an end. So much I want to say… For now
    Love you and hugs across the world
    xxxx

  18. I feel for you, such a delicate an confusing situation to manage. I wish for you all the support you need, calm periods to recover from the storm, and positive progress. xxx

  19. Personality and mood disorders run in my family and I myself have some evaluations to get through but at the moment they are thinking bipolar, PTSD, and Dissociative Disorder. My mom and I are in a similar situation emotionally we love each other but we couldn’t live together. Whenever we have there is a lot of fighting and turmoil. We are very much alike but different in just such a way that we can’t understand or relate well to each other. We hurt each other constantly without meaning to, it is like walking on landmines. We both experience tremendous guilt. She feels like she has let me down as mother and I feel like a complete disappointment. We get along much better now that we aren’t under the same roof, we are actually closer. I do worry that moving overseas feels like abandonment to her but I do think she understands as well. I sympathize with you and your daughter it is not an easy situation. The type of therapy your daughter is doing is exactly the kind I want to find but in Sweden they have a very vague form of talk therapy. I could chat with strangers on the bus and get more therapy so I am glad to hear she has some options there. I am really sad to here about the lack of affordable housing though. I wish you and your daughter the best Jenny and as someone else said I can feel the love in your post.

    • Yves thank you for sharing this, I feel the same as your mum, that I am letting K down by having to sell the home, but we have the same relationship. So many times there was happiness and laughter and then gradually those moments subsided and anger or misunderstanding took it’s place. I am similar to K in that I am a very emotional person, but I have had the ‘years’ on my side and not experienced the things she has, in her young life and this is what I feel has contributed to her BPD. I can only hope that by parting from each other, her life can turn around. I want so badly to have the relationship back, the daughter back that I knew, so the Clinics at this point and K herself wanting to get better are the only answer. I hope you are able to talk to professionals and get what help you are needing also. When I see the amount of people that suffer.. I ask myself “What is normal anyway”?
      Thank you Yves again for sharing your story, the stigma to mental illness needs to be abolished. xx

      • It’s not your fault Jenny you couldn’t have prevented BPD and you certainly didn’t cause it either. Being an emotionally expressive person is a good thing! Granted there are constructive and destructive methods of expression but nevertheless expressing oneself is an essential skill. My husband grew up with emotionally inexpressive parents. That doesn’t make for a very happy home either and it doesn’t actually reduce fighting. Holding everything back to protect her will only isolate and lead to more hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

  20. This was a hard thing to be open and share with us. I hope it was also ‘freeing!’
    I have lived with a brother, a true and brilliant artist, off and on, many years. His ability to hide his depression, through art, humor and talent, has masked a deeply troubled man. I helped him at age 12, 19 and at 25 to not commit suicide. At the last time, I told him his life needed to be in his own control. I love him dearly but was a mother of 3 children and could not help him anymore. Years later, he told me he drank and did drugs to ‘self medicate’ and as part of AA he wanted to tell me, that by stepping away, I saved myself, but also, him! So, I will not presume to know your pain, saw my ex-husband sit on a sofa for 2 and a half years, his own way of handling unemployment, I worked all day as a teacher, then 4 nights a week at a Cracker Barrel, again, I am not comparing your pain to mine, but I lost my home, divorced my husband and felt: RELIEF! I felt alive! I think it doesn’t matter about the home, it matters about YOU! I hope you are able to have your relationship with your partner. I will pray for you and love on you, sending large waves of mercy and happiness for you, along with your daughter and other family members, Jen! Hugs, more hugs, Robin

    • It was freeing in a way Robin, thank you. I can talk to my friends over here and each one offers different advice as to what to do with the situation. The more I read and learn about BPD, the stronger I seem to feel, though it is early days and the road is paved with boulders. K also is an artist, she paints, many creative people are the ones that suffer with some underlying issue. To get what they are feeling out on to a canvas, or play music, one of their releases. My heart soared when I read what you and Yves wrote about stepping away, helped them. Your story has pain, by experiencing what you did, it has made you stronger. This is what I hope to accomplish, without turning my back on K, to support as much as possible, but sadly now from a distance. Thank you so much for sharing Robin and for the waves and the hugs. I appreciate you’re words and encouragement greatly. xx

  21. I can imagine how are you feeling in such a terrible situation..being a mother you are trying you best to ease your pain and makes situation comfortable..Can people suffering from BDP do meditation ? I am sure it will help her to some extent. You should discuss doctor about this. My love and blessings are there for you..please don’t take much tension..there is beautiful sunshine after the darkness ..<3

    • Thank you so much Alisha, I don’t know if K would stay still long enough to meditate, but I shall look into it. There have been a couple of peaceful days and so the sun has come out for a short while. Thank you for your encouragement and support, appreciated. xx

    • I am so glad that my pouring out those words helped you, Jen, in some way. I just wished to share that the way I healed made me a better person, but also, allowed my brother and my ex-husband to seek treatment. By being their cushion, I also became a ‘scapegoat’ or an ‘enabler.’ I had to go to counseling for myself, along with going to Al-Anon for quite some time. I thought by telling you this, you would see, I was not trying to focus on Me, but the Light at the end of the tunnel! I am so glad you saw what I meant!! Hugs, Robin

      • I understand Robin I do and you weren’t focussing on yourself. Hearing others stories is helpful, when we feel we are the only ones who are suffering through something. So I appreciate your candidness and sharing your story as well. Thoughts and hugs to you xx

  22. My dear MM, I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. I can’t even begin to understand what you are going through. I apologize for not writing earlier but the situation with a newborn is pretty time consuming and I haven’t been able to get any personal time. Please know that you can always reach me via email, if you need to just vent and I am here for you. I hope you find the strength you need to get through this immensely challenging time. Lots and lots of love & hugs xxx T

    • You have had the baby?? I didn’t see a post. Congratulations, a boy or girl? Thank you for your support, I have vented to so many, I feel I have burdened enough, perhaps in a while I shall email, I thank you for the strength and hugs, and please take care of yourself and your new addition to the family. xxxx

  23. Hi Mumsy! 🙂
    First of all I applaud you for being so brave and open. As you already know I have this disorder as well. Yet I have never shown aggression. Don’t give up because we do learn by our mistakes. It doesn’t happen overnight but with the love and help you have shown K it will prevail!
    You must take care of you first. Love to you and K. Many hugs Paula xxxxxxxxxx

  24. I have been so busy and to finally find the time to sit and read up on all my favorite friends blogs I come across yours so sad that after our email things got no better for you HUGS. I wish your mate could be more supportive to you and for you but without knowing all that has gone down it is truly not for me to say though you being alone has to be so hard. Lastly thanks for the medical update and what to look for and I will pray for your daughter to find a place she can live happily with her issues under better control but I worry so many do not get the help for what truly is eating away at them 😦 XO

  25. Thank you so much for being so brave and vulnerable, sharing this story! I had absolutely no idea, which I guess is not surprising as I am honestly not in my blog anywhere near as much as I would like and this limits me from getting involved enough to understand personal circumstances.

    Sharing this with the world will help people Jen. Your own struggles, which you feel like you are drowning in, will make you stronger and provide you with great testimony that you will share with some special others – and you will help make lives better and provide comfort.

    I’m wondering now, how are your accommodation circumstances going? Are you still with your parents? How is the Behaviour Therapy going for your daughter? (I had CBT for anxiety and with the right clinical psychologist it is an awesomely effective treatment). Your Partner? Do you feel safe?

    Sending you love and prayer. You are in my thoughts.

    Miss Lou
    xox

    • Hello Lou, sorry that I did not reply. Your comment went into Spam. My circumstances are the same I am at my parents after 6 weeks.
      My daughter and her B/F still at ‘home’ which I don’t regard as that any longer. She had a serious melt down last Saturday, before the Agent came to do take the photos for the inspection. It’s so involved and so difficult to say too much here though. I have to ensure they are out of the house if I need to go there, as the confrontation I got on Saturday from both of them was… well the Police were called in the end. It’s a nightmare – all of it, she needs more help than what she is receiving and this is the hard part with BPD’s.
      Thank you for support Lou and reading. xxx

      • 😦 Thanks for taking the time to respond, and please don’t be bothered much with delays in responses. I have those delays at the best of times and considering the stuff you are enduring now, I thought I might wait for a month or 2!

        Feel free to email me at anytime:
        ( o0missloulou0o@gmail.com ) if you wish to talk or be provided with encouragement – although I imagine you already have lots of that considering the wonderful words of support you have throughout your blog.

        You are on my thoughts and prayers.

        ML

  26. That’s okay Eunice we all have our private lives out of WP. He is still being supportive of me, but just from a distance now, as I have to be with K. I hope she finds something..somewhere too. Yes there are many who have mental illnesses that aren’t even professionally diagnosed, they suffer in their silence. xx

  27. So very sorry life is giving you these heartbreaking experiences Jen. Have faith that there will be some sort of a solution to bring everyone involved a better sense of peace and stability. I truly hope your daughter gets the help that she needs, and the RIGHT help. You are in my thoughts. Stay strong.

  28. To put this post together for the benefit of others is truly amazing, I read this with so many emotions and truly feel for you and your family. Heart-wrenching, as father to two daughters, this really hit home….thank you for sharing this, thoughts are with you….

    • Thank you so very much M, there are so many I diagnosed kids, adults out there, or diagnosed incorrectly and not receiving the treatment they need. If I can help one, my heart will soar.

  29. My dear Jen…I had no idea. So sorry I wasn’t here to show my support. Wow. Where to begin. Where is that wine when you need it, huh? (hope that made you smile a bit) Dealing with what we refer to as “hidden disabilities” can often be the most difficult. You’re doing everything you can. I understand the guilt that you feel, as mothers we want to fix everything, we want to bear the weight of everyone’s pain and suffering. But, Jen, as the mother of a child who was disabled, take it from an expert and just know that – you can’t. I am wrapping my arms around you and folding them in prayer, for you and your daughter and the rest of your family. Sending you lots of love and light, my sweet friend. Always. ~Karen~

    • Thank you so much sweetheart, the guilt stamp is imbedded as soon as we give birth and never leaves. It is such a roller coaster of an illness. Yesterday I was emailed and screamed at on the phone, never wanting to see or hear from me again. It was constant. Today emails as if nothing had happened. You don’t have to apologise, you are very busy right now, I am happy and grateful that you have read and showed your support….and please wine would be good right now. Hugs xxx

      • I toasted you last night as I drank a glass of red, Jen! Even though my son was obviously disabled it was often frustrating when he screamed at me…I can’t even begin to imagine what that would feel like coming from a seemingly “typical” person. The roller coaster ride of uncertainty is the absolute worst. Will be in contact soon… hugs & love ~Karen~

    • Merryn, sorry for the late reply. Life is still manic at present. I thank you so much for the nomination, but I don’t accept Awards anymore, the fact that I am read is my Award, but bless you for thinking of me enough to think of me. Hugs x

      • No worries! I totally understand xo. Really hope things settle down for you – must be so tough having things like that for so long.

  30. I read this when you first posted and have been waiting until I had time to read again and comment. Not sure that I can add anything useful to all the other comment (especially as I’m so late getting here). This is such an informative and heartfelt post and will be of use to others. Hope you’re getting the support you need. xxx

    • That’s okay hun, it’s difficult for people to know what to say. Our lives have all changed, which you may have read, after I posted this. It’s day by day..and is what it is..one moment at a time right now. Thank you S – hugs xx

  31. Lovely Rambly, I am so so sorry this is happening to your family. I have survived some storms my love, as have you, and this one will pass in time. My daughter has MHIs, so I know some of what you are going through- I would rather have the pain myself than see her in pain but this journey belongs to them and you can only do what you are doing- loving and supporting her at the level which allows you to keep on being strong. It is ok to switch off sometimes, in fact you MUST. I have learned this the hard way as I was nearly driven to a breakdown trying to support my daughter. There is so much love for you on here but have some from me anyway. You are a wonderful woman and mother- never forget that. Hugs always FaTW x

    • I know what you say darling, it’s so hard to see them have to cope with what they have no control over. It’s also tough for us mothers or carers trying to adjust and support. I hope that your daughter finds her place and is happy and I thank you so very much for sending your love. We can’t have enough love or support from our friends. Hugs back to you sweetheart and I hope you and your daughter are doing okay too. ❤ xxx

  32. I will give some critiques that are meant constructively and not negatively. Firstly, it is great that your daughter has a strong and compassionate supporter in you, even if she does not feel it to be that way. Many people in her situation have abusive or uncaring parents, and that makes things all the harder.
    Yes, BPD is absolutely “curable” even though cure might be an overly medicalized word for what is really an arrest or frozen condition of emotional development. Yes, people labeled borderline can resume emotional growth, take in help and eventually reach a place of stability where they can function and relate well/normally. Hope for this type of outcome is so important. On my site I list a number of books which provide convincing case studies to this effect.

    I think it is overstated that most therapists will not work with borderlines. This has been changing in recent years; in modern cities (like Melbourne or my Washington DC) I believe there are many experienced psychodynamic and cognitive therapists who are willing to work with borderlines and have had a lot of success with them. In fact, I have spoken to quite a number of therapists here about BPD and have never had one tell me they would not or have not worked with someone because they are borderline. In my admittedly biased opinion, the Fairbairnian model of treating BPD is one of the best out there and may be better in some instances than DBT. It is described in such books as Helen Albanese’s “The Difficult Borderline Patient – Not So Difficult To Treat”, in Jeffrey Seinfeld’s “The Bad Object” and in David Celani’s “The Treatment of the Borderline Patient.”

    Additionally, many experienced therapists who work with severely troubled people do not take the BPD label very seriously. What I mean is not that they are unempathic to people’s suffering, but rather than they view the label as unhelpful and simplistic. I remember how the well known American psychotherapist George Vaillant used to say, “Never tell a borderline they’re a borderline” implying understanding them as a unique person is more helpful. I think Colin Ross’s viewpoint on BPD is one of the most telling. He makes the point to take an “illness” seriously in which person A can have symptoms 1-5 only, and person B can have symptoms 5-9 only, and they might differ significantly in how symptom 5 is expressed, but they still have the same “illness” despite having hardly anything in common. In Ross’ viewpoint, it’s more useful to conceptualize it with the thinking that a person is more or less “borderline” in relation to themselves and others at different times and in different circumstances. In other words BPD is not a static, unitary, consistent or valid label, but one that needs to be thought of from a more complex dynamic perspective. Colin Ross’ writing in his book The Trauma Model – A Solution to the Problem of Comorbidity is excellent to this.

    Well thank you for reading my little essay. Feel free to critique or disagree with anything I said too!

    • Thank you for your essay.😊 We have therapists here who will not treat, but most do.
      As my daughter and I have been living apart for over 6 months now, I don’t see as many of her ‘melts’, but her medication is helping it seems. I do agree with what you have and don’t feel the need to disagree with you at all. I guess it’s difficult, giving and sharing parts of the story, when it is so much more involved. I will have a look at the books and more of your posts. Thank you for taking the time to discuss. I have a few questions, I may email you, if that’s okay?

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