Chat time of feelings. Not poetry. No need to comment. Just me..bare.

As the title states.

I thought of writing this as poetry, then realised I couldn’t without it becoming bigger than Ben Hur.

So it’s a chat, it’s a chat to pour out my feelings right now.
I’m not asking for sympathy, or pity. Not wanting you to feel sorry for me and my life right now. I just need to speak.

Not what blogging is usually about, but I consider many of you my friends and I need to speak to you.

Today I was talking to daughter K on FB, she wasn’t good. She went for her first job interview in ages, over a year and was told that they couldn’t employ her as the job was too far away (about an hours drive or more).

The Agency, the government Agency that gives her benefits sent her there without looking where it was located.
This made her angry, she was so excited about the possibility of finding work.

As she talked to me, her anger grew, her desperation grew and she said if she had a gun, she’d use it. She wanted to throw herself in front of a car.

Do you know what that does to me, to a mother to hear your child wanting to end her life? I have no words.

I met with her in a carpark halfway between my place and hers and she cried her heart out in the car. Her medication helps, but only to a certain extent. Whatever it is that has a hold of her mind, that won’t allow her to start a task, any task and see it through. That won’t let her see anything good, that she only sees her her entire life mapped out before her, containing one disaster after another.

She hasn’t caught up with her sister, as she said, what do I have to offer anyone. I can ask how she is and then it’s all about me and my problems and no one wants to listen to that.

I talk to her, I supoort her financially when I can, which I am struggling with to.

Her father has stopped paying for her treatment at DBT because she didn’t attend a few sessions and he still had to pay.

My life has completely changed, I long for the day that I can not worry or have anxiety thinking about how she is getting through her hours. I would cut off my arms for my baby, if it would help her get through this.

This is not about me, this is me just venting, pouring my soul out to those who have got to know me and my family.

Pop is still in hospital and he won’t be released until they are confident that he can stand and walk with his walker with confidence.

Mumma Penguin doesn’t know what day it is half the time, that in itself is hard to witness.

I thought I was getting closer to my brother throughout this episode with Pop, but alas he said some very hurtful words against K and I can’t forgive him. He hasn’t apologised, the words were Tuesday last week. That she’s been trouble since she was born…etc etc. He ‘possibly’ understands physical, but does not understand mental illness, as many don’t.

I won’t withhold the comments, but I may not reply to each of you. As I said, this is me, sitting here, in a house that I still don’t feel settled in and call home. An ordinary woman who is going through a bit of **** right now and need to ‘blurt’ what I’m feeling.

I’m not alone in this world when it comes to family hardships, or world hardships. I’m fully aware of this. I feel guilty trying to hit the publish button.

I am not belittling anyone’s else’s pain or circumstance as I know that this may seem nothing in the scheme of things. I just want my baby to be better.

If I don’t read your posts or comment, please understand why I may not.

Thank you for reading if you have.

As I said there is no need to respond to my outburst.

xx

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24 thoughts on “Chat time of feelings. Not poetry. No need to comment. Just me..bare.

  1. Jen, you have so much on your plate right now. Please don’t be sorry or excuse the vent. The hardest thing in the world is watching your loved ones struggle, knowing you can’t step inside their reality. Amongst all of this please do not lose sight that you also need to take care of you. Much love, hugs and cybersupport, Judyxx

  2. You are certainly going through a tough time. A vent often helps clear your mind and find new energy and focus. Hope this is true for you on your current journey. Thoughts and prayers and cybersupport for you and your family. Be strong and take care of you too.

  3. feel free to share your feelings any time…you are in the shit right now with so much going on….and well, you need to let it out…i hope that papa penguin gets out soon…my gramma is in the hospital as well..had a heart attack last saturday…i hear you on the medication for k…and i wish i knew a magic cure….hang in there…

  4. We are a community, Jen, and we support each other. I know we can’t solve anything, but I am certainly willing to listen. A body needs to express sorrow and hurt or it will become sick. Don’t forget to take care of you, Jen. ❤ ❤ ❤

  5. Please do not appologise for not reading. I am sorry to hear you are going through such a troubled time, and I hope things get better soon.
    I also wanted to tell you to believe in yourself, and K. too, even though you already do, because I can tell you that not many are lucky to have support, understanding or just a simple embrace from a dedicated and loving mother such as you are. Believe that Love will prevail, because it must!

  6. Your feelings are perfectly understandable and justified. This is very stressful and it must feel sometimes that the odds are too stacked against you here. Know at least that we all care, you have support at a distance – and I hope much closer by too. Take care my friend. 🙂

  7. There is every need hun! I am so sorry I feel your pain coming at me from the screen !I wish I could do more but all I can say I have been there ( well maybe not to the same exstent but I have at different times all of my lads lost and desparate) Your husband ex is wrong not to help he needs to be more understanding probably like your brother he does not understand mental illness… not many people do unless they have experiened it themselves! Be proud of yourself you are holding K together ! Thinking of you and sending you love! xxxx

  8. This is so hard and I cannot help but wish to be there for you. Poor K, definitely would be mad or upset with my brother, should he ever dare to say such unkind things. We wish for you peace, but more than this, I wish the agency would find her a place close by K, where the job requirements would be ones K. would be able to meet, without stress and yet, making her feel good about herself. It is so hard, Jen. You are in my thoughts and prayers, never feel apologetic for leaning on me, or others…. hugs xoxoxo

  9. You’re fighting every inch of the way, Jen. Not giving in, not giving up. But you have fists coming at you from every corner and you need as much support in this as you can muster.
    Draw on it freely. I wish I could be there for you to hug and just lend a hand. If you need to talk or vent I’m a hug away through Skype or email.
    Kick your brother’s arse for me. He sounds like he might need it. Don’t diss our kids. We can do that ourselves, thank you very much. But with love.
    Keep up the fight, Jen. We’re in your corner.xxx

  10. I am sooo sorry your brother did that Mumsy. Perhaps he will come around, so many live in a balloon and don’t see the other side, so when exposed, understanding is not there because they truly don’t understand. It is with careful explanation that understanding and compassion can emerge.

    Super big hugs

  11. I’m reading this holding my heart and extending a hand across the miles. From one mother to another — it’s hard when our children hurt this deeply. I can relate. You are loved. Please, no need to reply. Just rest. Sending you peace. xo

  12. I was sad to read about K’s pain, although you had shared about it earlier. The encouraging thing in this darkness is that K did want to get a job and was excited at the prospect. That is good – there is part of her that is still “alive” emotionally and has motivation. Some people don’t have that…
    A long time ago I had a similar experience with my mother where I told her I was thinking of going out to get a gun. She was also extremely distraught. I couldn’t think at all at the time about what effect it would have on her; I was in too much distress. It is probably similar with K. Fortunately I think/hope that in Australia it is more difficult to acquire such a weapon than here in the US.

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