Thank You

For all your kindness and lovely comments.
I would do a general thank you post, but as I am so tired..or over tired right now, I can’t comment individually to you all. So I hope you can forgive me.

As I look at the time, I have been awake now 36 hours.
I didn’t sleep the rest of the morning. Every time my eyes closed, tears fell, or I felt my heart start beating faster. Just watching K asleep, hoping, praying that she wouldn’t experience another seizure.

When my eyes stayed closed for longer than a minute, I had flashbacks of her face when I saw her convulsing. I can’t get this out of my head now.
In the wee hours a Neuro doctor came in and tested her reflexes, asked her questions.
At around 2pm another Registrar and students came in, same questions. At 3pm the Neurology doctor attended with the Registrar, asking the same questions.

Then the confirmed diagnosis of Epilepsy and ordered tablets. 400mg per day for the first week, then 800mg per day thereafter.

It is now 8pm as I write. We left the hospital after K started to get a little more than agitated from lying in a noisy room for so long. They were wanting to admit her for overnight at first, but then said she could leave. I drove her back to her place with J following behind.

For those of you with children, remember that first drive home with your new baby from the Hospital, when a speed bump was taken so carefully, when corners were taken slowly?

This is how I was with K in the passenger seat, so frightened that I may set off another seizure.

She is now asleep, her body and mind exhausted. I cannot.
I will have to take a tablet to knock me out. I went and had a shower and cried my heart out under the water, seeing her face over and over. I know I’m exhausted, I know tomorrow I won’t feel as I do now, that I won’t picture her tormented body.

I hope this medication stops them, though there is no guarantee. Could be trial and error.Once again, thank you, all of you for your support through this, I am so very grateful.

PS. Thank you to all who have read and commented on some previous posts. I have been neglecting my answers to you…believe me, I THANK YOU xx

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Who are you my child? (MLM Prompt)

Raising children
The hardships, the joys, the anger, the love
teaching the ‘little people’ how to become the best that they can be
instilling all the ‘bits and pieces’ that were taught to me
in this different world, this different way of living
sometimes the battles reign supreme, with the pieces not quite fitting
yet, all a mother wants and needs, is simple and not complicated
happiness, being true, settling into a life pattern

**

Their path will be rocky, as was mine, stepping over pebbles
leaping over boulders, experiencing heartache, learning what’s expected
finding love and believing in themselves.
It’s not an easy task for them pursuing dreams, for sometimes dreams
are just that and nothing will come of them.
Perhaps expectations run too high. “Why can’t you be like this or that”?
“What makes you tick, what is your passion?” dreams are simply not enough.
How easy it would be, for them to find their path, how easy it would be for me
to say enough…is enough.

***

Yet I’m bad at teaching lessons, I know this to be fact.
I can’t see my child face consequences.
This is a failure, for the lessons can’t be taught, this is my unavoidable pain
that I’ve brought upon myself.

Raising children is not easy, the road is fraught with danger.
Finding love is what you wish for them, to love themselves and others.
Pursuing dreams is a wish, but is it a reality?

I cannot find you
our roads have crossed too often
find yourself, be happy

©jmtacken Jan 5th 2014

***********

For Mind Love Misery’s prompt this week, we have many choices..choices I’m not good with, so I have incorporated 3 of them in one. I wrote this without really thinking, the old S.O.C just typed and whatever sprang upon the page – so be it, for good or for bad, this is my entry to the prompt.

http://mindlovemisery.wordpress.com/2014/01/05/prompt-37-unavoidable-pain/#comments

The prompts were:-

Some examples of unavoidable pain which you are absolutely free to use
Taking up exercise
Medical procedures
Medication
Rescue efforts (ever hurled yourself in the path of a moving object to save someone?)
Job interviews
Raising children
Finding love
Pursuing dreams

Please Sir a little more Sir (Prose)

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throw me a coin ma lord
just to help me feed ma young

I won’t throw to the likes of you
to me you are but scum

I have 2 children Sir at hom’
who are screamin’ to be fed
I ask for your indulgence
a coin is all I beg

be off with you, I’ll show no mercy
street corners where you lay
hand outstretched to anyone
find I job I say

I lay on these street corners Sir
for I was kicked out of me hom’
me husbund’ threw his hand to me
I was never safe alone

don’t be in court an judge me
for you do not know my life
I’m a lovin muther and
I was a devoted wife

but circumstance be as they may
have seen me take this road
so you can not think ill of me
for who are you to know

the life I’ve led and what I’ve seen
with a man that once did love me
now  coms’ home drunk every night

and treats all of us so cruely

‘ere then woman take this, seek shelter
where you can, feed your young
run far and wide, get away from
this cruel man

thank you Sir, most graciously
I debt I can’t repay
but you’ll be in my prayers tonight
and every other day

©jmtacken Sep 2013

Just to round off the day – night all.

A Review of my memoir The Empty Nest – A Mother’s Hidden Grief

I have just met Michael on WP and he very kindly bought my Memoir and may I say read it within a day or two. He has been absolutely gracious by submitting a review on Amazon which I post below.

Those who know me, also know that I do not push my book onto you, this is not why I started this site, for I feel uneasy about self promoting. I post this because I am humbled knowing that people have read my work, read the words that I had written, this is an absolute joy for me, whether they like what I have written or not, I have pride that I can call myself a writer, something I have dreamed about for so long.

My penned words about what I experienced when my girls left home, have now been read by 72 people – this may seem small – to me it is huge. Large profits – I make not – knowing that people can resonate with what I have written – that is worth so much more.

To Michael I thank you, from the bottom of my heart for this review.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Review

The Empty Nest

A Mother’s Hidden Grief

J M Kadane

Jenny Kadane’s book chronicling her life bringing up two daughters is an excellent account of her life exploring the journey she makes with them from birth to the present time. She takes us through the good and the bad moments of parenting with great honesty and clarity.

Her writing is straightforward, accessible and at times you find your self laughing at the funny things she recalls but there are other times where you find yourself expressing your own emotional response to the stories many of which, as a parent, you relate to.

There are features within this text that give it a universal appeal.

As parents we all have to deal with the day our children decide it is time for them to leave home.

We often agonise over them leaving, fearful of what they will have to deal with in the big wide world and always we want to be protective of them.

No parent ever wants to see their child suffering and we go to great lengths to provide support and back ups for the times when they do break free and leave the nest.

All of these issues are dealt with in great detail and the reader is able to easily empathise with the writing and sentiments being expressed.

There are times in this text where Ms Kadane comes across as a highly emotional woman. (In fact she does make the point at various times in her work that she was aware of her emotional outpourings.)

Rather than being a text, which could have descended into a study of emotional angst, she is clever in reflecting constantly on her own emotions, and on the significance of the events that occur in her life.

Ms Kadane’s daughters, like most children grow and become their own persons.  As a parent we know our children do not grow up to necessarily reflect our attitudes nor do they always do what you would wish for them to do.

The factor for me, which made me connect so readily with her words, was the attitude that she was always there for her girls. It is easy to say these things but as a parent when your children transgress from what you consider the norms of society and test your patience and fortitude ‘hanging in there with them’ can take great courage.

‘The Empty Nest” is a record of the love of a mother, the fierce determination to be the best mother she can be along with her own reflections and understandings of how each development in her daughters lives impacted on her.

As a male reader I was immediately taken by the depth of her writing. I could relate so well to the emotions she was experiencing.

Fathers also feel a sense of grief when their children leave. We like to have our children ‘within’ arms length’ so to speak. Like Ms Kadane we also crave a regular contact with our children.

You finish the text thinking what a brave woman she is to have sat and reflected as she has done on her life. She owns all the mistakes she admits she’s made, there is no glossing over the truth and for this reason the book has great value to other mothers and I might add fathers as well.

No reader will regret the time spent on this excellent book. A great read.

Michael Grogan

Parent

Teacher

July 2013.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in April, Meditating Mummy also read and wrote a review, to her I am immensely grateful. I am ‘chuffed’ that people have taken the time to read and to write their thoughts. You may see her review on the below link.

Reblogged from Meditating Mummy’s Blog:

I thank you.

Trifextra Week Fifty-Seven The door will not be opened

the weekend challenge – we’re asking for exactly thirty-three words written in first person narrative

I cannot open
your door or enter
how can I
I crumble
my heart thumps
hands shake
 agony
remembering you
not breathing
alone

I love you

I mourn you

Forgive me

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Fiction piece written for:-

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And about http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sudden_infant_death_syndrome

I am so very fortunate to have not experienced a loss so tragic as this, a loss of a new born, though I know of families who have. I write this for the Challenge but to also bring awareness to this cruel and puzzling syndrome. If this is out of the rules or posting the picture,  I apologise and happy to bow out of the challenge.

Never squash a child’s dream

Written by a child for a child

I want to travel with the tortoise escaping in the middle night when my parents are sound asleep in their comfy beds.

I have planned my escape very carefully, each day when I returned from school I’d retrieve my pink vinyl covered notepad and scribble my getaway. my parents won’t be happy to see me go, they aren’t sure about tortoises, they would think I’m being silly. they would tell me to grow up and not talk nonsense, but it’s not nonsense to escape with someone you love. the timing must be right just after dinner I will ask mum for a sandwich. she will of course ask why, that I have just eaten and cannot be hungry. oh but I am mum I will answer I’m a growing girl after all. she will smile and make my sandwich. I will climb the stairs to my room and I know my heart will be racing so I must try very hard not to show my excitement. then I will wait and watch the clock upon my bedroom wall and listen to when the television has been switched off and their footsteps up the stairs. I need to stay awake, I need to. it is time, through the curtain on my bedroom window I see him waiting for me. opening my window which creaks I hold my breath hoping my parents will not wake and catch me. I am scared of the trellis of the height and hope I don’t get stabbed from the thorns off the climbing rose plant that dad planted two years ago. the trellis is broken in parts it’s old and mum has been telling dad to fix it for ever. quietly I step across the front lawn that crackles from the icy air. I have packed my drink container and my sandwich and a torch-light for the dark, even though I know my tortoise will know which way to go I’m still a little frightened of the dark. then I see him standing under the willow tree where he said he would be. I am so excited I run and climb upon his shell which is really his home sort of like mine and together we start our journey to far off magical places….I shall miss mum and dad but I love my tortoise too and they will understand..
let a child be a child and live out their dreams

copyright ramblingsfromamum 5.1.2013