And so….

My darling Pop

It is with my heart broken, my soul numb, that I let all of those who have been my friends on WP to say these words…

My darling Pop (my penguin) left our earthly coil on the 19th of April, 2017 at 12:25pm, after a 15 hour fight to remain.

I stayed with him by his side, in his hospital room, for 6 days. Time to be, time to share.

His transition started 10pm on the 18th, his life ending after my brother, I and mum were in the room and my brother and I stood her up to give him a hug. The moment she put her head on his chest, he slightly opened his eyes, closed his mouth from the shallow breathing and relaxed. A few minutes later he joined the Angels and his youngest son.

No words describe the pain
For he was my rock
A connection without words
RIP you beautiful and much loved man
Until our paths cross once again

😪💔😪

The Circle Of Life

Has a sword placed
Without strains of Hakuna Matata
Yet
He is a lion for his strength
His courage
Step slowly around the circle
Time passes too quickly

I remember him
Holding my tiny hand
To cross the busy street
Holding that hand
Through good and bad
Through tears of sadness
Tears of joy

Approaching the sword
My life insignificant
Trying to hold his life
Within my hand now grown
Knowing
There is nothing I can do
Knowing

Yet
The words of the song are
Distant
Haunting
Between the struggle for air and
The tears that slice against my throat

He is my King
Then
Now
Always

Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba
No
My father
YOU are the lion

 

It happens

Arm around waist
Awkward steps but
How we laughed
As I hung onto your blue eyes
Taken for granted
If I could dance with my father once more
The song echoes in my head
I remember like a past life

Outside I suck in the chill of air
That bites my tongue
The ticking of the traffic lights beat slow
Until it’s time to cross

A teenager, young woman yet to leave the nest
Helping clean the aftermath of your famous
Dinner parties
Cooking for thirty
You didn’t blink an eye
Your love of food and entertaining
Knew no bounds
Remembering the most complicated dishes – cakes
Without the need to follow words

Grasp the days, no matter how tough they seem
How busy your own lives become
For we don’t know
When the words of a song suddenly are real
Or the ticking at the lights
Race too quickly for our ears

Sitting at the Hospital.
Pop hopefully returns to Aged Care tomorrow after being in hospital for 2 weeks. Draining 2655mls from his right lung. I have spent every day for 11 hours with him, helping the nursing staff attend to his needs. Doing very personal tasks for him, out of pure love.
Mum’s operation went well, though after an anti clotting injection performed daily to prevent blood cots, saw her return to hospital yesterday, as bleeding started, by hitting a blood vessel. She was returned again last night.
She is more withdrawn and memory declined further after having the general anaesthetic. We don’t know if this is a permanent state now.

Unworthy

It’s easy to fall through the cracks
Unwanted unloved
Holding on
When others disown
The twists and turns
Within their heads
Feeling their pain
Their wish to leave
This earthly coil
Not from age or illness
Sight unseen
It’s in the box
The one that no one
Dares to open the lid
For lack of understanding
It’s opened only by the brave
Who have the strength to ground them
Steer them on the path
To feeling whole again

How simple for some to walk away
but….
Be a parent
Your resolve is firm
For they are your blood
and…..
You hear them silently scream
Even while they sleep

String lines

I am held together with
S
T
R
I
N
G
S
Strings of empathy
For those that hold my heart
Held to parents
Bound to children
One apron, one not
To those I say goodbye to
My work strings entwined with family
Just the thickness varies
That is all
For animals
It remains the same

When I can I give of me
S
T
R
I
N
G
S
I release them to the length I want
Depending on the moment
Yet there are days of knots
When I cannot give
I cannot try
I cannot unwind nor stretch further
For I am human
now
always
and humans have limitations

I

lose patience even though
I
know she cannot change
watch with heavy heart the father whose life will never be the same
give thanks that another years been reached amd blow the candles softly out

amongst the everyday
the ups
the downs
and in betweens
a year has gone and
I
ask where
I
live more lives than the one
I
have

I
think for many not just myself
and through it all
the year that’s been
behind the clouds that loom so dark
a silver lining appears
for though
I may lose one that
I
so love
before some months have passed
I
will hold a new life lovingly
and preciously in my arms

Treasured

You had no voice but you could speak
Through arms that couldn’t reach
You held my blood red heart
I walk an alien ground
Steps that you can’t make
My legs now yours
Fear and body broken
Questions that are asked
Why a life is thrown
Along a different path
I watch some days of silence
Glazed eyes with a look of sadness
Willing me to stay
Yet you’re there…you’re here
My love for you remains