It’s been a while

Hello my WP friends. How long has it been…too long, as even the WP page set up is completely different to me.

I have been concentrating on writing my Book that I hope to have published (my penguins story) but the Gates of the Big Boys, are only open to a selected few. Apart from that what has been happening in my world?

It’s been 4 years since losing Mum and Pop (my Penguins). The time has both flown and dragged all at the same time. The holes in my heart forever will remain. Knowing they are both together brings me comfort, the hardest days being the Anniversaries of their passing, their birthdays, Christmas and Mother’s and Father’s Day. But these are just days, aren’t they? A number on the calendar, that don’t show the outside world, how I’m feeling inside.

I am continuing with officiating Funerals and Weddings, though the Funerals far outweigh in number and losing Mum and Pop, has given me a greater understanding of what loss is and the grieving process.

Life hasn’t changed much with daughter K, though she is now selling more of her artwork and has received a few commissions, which keeps her occupied. Daughter B, had her 2nd child a girl (who just turned two).

I’m having a left hip replacement on the 9th of July….yes I’m old (well I didn’t think old enough to have one) but there it is. Not looking forward to the process, especially having to sleep on my back for 6-8 weeks, as I’m a side sleeper, but I must roll with the punches as they say!

Am I boring you yet?

So that is what is happening with me. Thank you to a couple of friends from here who have emailed me recently to ask how I am. It is so thoughtful to hear from you.

Perhaps I’ll get back into poetry or writing, perhaps not. I just thought ‘I’d dip my toe in’.

I hope everyone is well and life is being kind to you.

Jenny xx

Sponges

We are sponges, you and I
Tiny holes, open pores
Swelling
Absorbing
Fear, stress, doubt, pain, grief
They hold firm
Locked in
Losing their grip only
When we’re able or ready
To wring them out
But how do we choose which ones
To be released
For even if a corner is squeezed
Happiness, contentment, peacefulness
May be the very ones that escape

String lines

I am held together with
S
T
R
I
N
G
S
Strings of empathy
For those that hold my heart
Held to parents
Bound to children
One apron, one not
To those I say goodbye to
My work strings entwined with family
Just the thickness varies
That is all
For animals
It remains the same

When I can I give of me
S
T
R
I
N
G
S
I release them to the length I want
Depending on the moment
Yet there are days of knots
When I cannot give
I cannot try
I cannot unwind nor stretch further
For I am human
now
always
and humans have limitations

Update & Thank You

thank you to all you beautiful people who made comments or liked ‘She’.

thank you for your thoughts, your words of love and unwavering support.

thank you for your strength.

I can only write when the mood truly takes over me and as you have witnessed, it doesn’t happen very  often. I was going to turn off comments and realised after I received some, that I failed to do so. I so love to write, but I also can’t push what isn’t there.

You have been so generous in standing by me all the years and I’m sorry that I haven’t reciprocated as I should have done over the last many months. I will continue to read when I can, but forgive me if I only press the like button, as words fail me on most days.

My penguins are still going, Pop having one or two good days of being able to communicate properly to every three or so where he struggles. He underwent having a BCC removed from his nose (benign) thankfully two weeks ago and he had to have a skin graft taken from in front of his ear.

Last week an ultrasound as he has having bladder and groin pain still. He gets a little more confused now of what is happening around him. He can feed himself, but bathroom procedures and walking are all by lifting machine still. He cannot be allowed to overheat and this is where mum and I clash. The heater in their room goes to 5, she has it on 4-5 and on some days when the sun is shining. She will then cover Pop with a blanket and not being one to complain, will just accept what she does.

She is possibly stage 4-5 with Alzheimer’s. Becoming aggressive with me mainly, as I’m there so often , but her episodes are less frequent. I had half a block of cheese thrown at me the other day as we had words over the temperature in their room. She won’t wear anything apart from a cotton short sleeve dress, slippers and a light cardigan, she will tell me she’s not cold, but insist the room temperature is… It’s a roller coaster. We can’t cover the heater dial and I have signs everywhere in the room saying do not turn up past 2.5, she ignores them. Emotionally she acts like a young girl now on many occasions, and even the ‘threat’ of moving them to separate rooms isn’t working and to be honest I don’t think that would work either.

There are other things going on within the family also which I can’t get into yet.

So to all of you, I say once again, thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts, thank you to those who read some of my older posts (WIllow) to mention just one. I hope your journeys are the best they can possibly be.

I have made so many friends and I treasure and value your kindness, comradiery and human spirit to someone you have never personally met.

So for now it’s adieu, until time is allowed for me to read, respond and hopefully write.

 

love J

xc

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you

images-1

 

Just stopping by to say thank you for reading the few posts that I have written over the past couple of months.

I’m sorry I haven’t replied to all your beautiful comments, but my time is spent with my Penguins and will be for some time.

When I feel the need to write I shall and hope that you, my friends will still be around, if not I understand.

I’m starting to read again, but forgive me if I don’t comment. A like and a heart will be   your indication that I have read and still appreciate all that you do.

Know that you are in my hearts,  watching your journey’s and  reading your words, when I can.

xx

 

 

Update – Having a long chat

Hello everyone,

Apologies first for this VERY long read.

I’m still here, lurking in the background. Reading your posts, sometimes leaving a ❤️ or a small comment, but I do read.

This is how it is, writing only when the urge is too great to deny.

At times I wonder, if I shall be as prolific as I was, or whether I shall fade into oblivion eventually.

Pop is still with us thankfully, for a man who felt he wouldn’t see last Christmas, his resilience astounds me. His knees have pretty much locked from sitting or lying down all day. The only time he manages to stand is with the lifting machine, which moves him from his bed to his tilt chair, or to the wheelchair.

His voice can range from reasonably strong for a day or two, to barely audible the next. One of the issues of aging is incontinence, so he wears a pad (this was chosen in favour of invasive catheters). This of course brings its own issues of rashes and possibly infections. He is on antibiotic ear drops for an ear infection. I noticed today he has swelling, soreness and redness around the base of two his fingernails. Something I need to keep a check on. He sleeps or dozes on and off very easily. His comprehension has slowed, some days far worse than others, where he will take 20 or so seconds to respond. Sometimes he will come out with something, not related to the conversation. His MSA causes his eyelids to close, it also makes him shake, mainly his right arm or hand, will just start shaking or he will tap madly on the arm of his chair.

Today daughter B and son-in-law E and I went to take Mum out to the shops. This was arranged last week and advised twice yesterday. On arrival, mum didn’t want to go out. I tried to tell her it’s a beautiful day, we want to take you out in the sunshine and then to look around the shops as we planned. She said there wasn’t any need to go out, that it was too early, that she had to put her bra on! Daughter B has more patience, come on Nana, no she wouldn’t budge. How about we go across the road then with pa for a latte at the new cafe? She was still hesitant, but then agreed. Pop into the wheelchair, mum with her walker, we walked over, with mum saying how nice it was it get outside.

It’s frustrating, she complains of never going out, but when push comes to shove, she doesn’t wish to. She still mentions the ‘breeze’ and the cold draft she feels, telling me to switch it off, when it’s not on. She asks about some of her personal belongings still, most of which I store at our place, waiting to buy furniture to store them in. She asked on several occasions for her air mail letters, that she had kept when corresponding with her mum and sister in England when they were alive. Thankfully I kept them and brought them in today.
Physically her feet are puffy and both of her feet are bent inwards, though she can walk very quickly, with the staff telling her to slow down in case she falls. She has gained weight, like pop as very little movement and having breakfast, morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, tea and supper, is adding calories.

Some days are better than others (like pop) some days I still get yelled at, told I’m there too often, that I’m a dictator, that “I always” think I know best, or have something thrown at me, or I’m struck at.
Other days, she’s very childlike, dancing around, flirting with the male staff.
The other day we were late going to the dining room for lunch. A new resident had taken his seat at ‘their’ table. Mum was NOT happy and pointed and spoke rather loudly that it was their table and why was he there. Realising now the facility where they are, which she hated and still does at times, has now become their home and THAT was her dining table.

I visit and stay with daughter B for two to three days each week. Sometimes 4, then go back home. I massage dads legs, feed him his meals, give them manicures and advise the staff when things are needed. They all know be my name now, (probably dreading me in a way as I let nothing slip when it comes to their care) and as I’m there so often. I even attended the resident family meeting, advising of issues that I felt neeed attention.

Me? Well I’m seeing a chiropractor as my upper back pain from last August wasn’t easing after seeing a physio. He thinks I may have had a compounded fracture in my rib at the back after the horseriding incident. I now see him regularly and do exercises at home. Services have been scant, apart from the money aspect, I’m glad in a way as I have the time to spend with my penguins.

On the upside K got a job, she hasn’t worked for 4 years. It’s office work for 3.5 days per week, but this will suit her getting back into the work force. We just have to hope her BPD doesn’t let her sabotage it. She starts on Tuesday. She also has her new b/f, they have been seeing each other 4 months now and they seem very happy.

Mr. S is fine, busy renovating the bathrooms.

I have just realised how long this is… I don’t even write this much on a FB status! I’m so sorry, guess I had a lot to tell.

Thinking of you all and hope you all are well.

xx

Chat time – The Wedding is done and dusted!

and I have let the dust settle hence not reading posts of late…sooorrryyyy!

Was I nervous the morning of….oh yes, I paced, I took anxiety tablets by the mouthful, I took deep breaths.
Mr.S was invited, but sadly I relegated him to the upstairs of the boat whilst I did my thing. As if I saw him I would have lost the plot more. Trying to pin on the grooms corsage to begin with. I failed miserably and let a more experienced staff member do it.

We waited for the bride to arrive, hoping to say my housekeeping rules, photos, phones etc, they went by the wayside as the bride arrived while the band started.
Luckily I still was able to say them, even though B & G were standing in front of me.

On I went, starting with an ice breaker sentence of what I would say at a funeral service, thankfully everyone laughed!

The vows, the rings and yes out came the handcuffs as an added surprise. Mr.S stayed for the reception as we weren’t going to swim ashore. I danced I had a wine or two..believe me they were needed.

Back to dock, the newly married couple then left on a horse and carriage and we all went our ways.

So my first one under my belt, they said they loved it (that’s the main thing). I had a friend of theirs who is a mortician in Florida, come up and hug me, saying he thoroughly enjoyed it.
Sigh of relief! Paperwork sent off today the government authority, fingers crossed now I have filled them in correctly, otherwise I may get a rap over the knuckles.

Hopefully I will be able to,post a photo or two, if I can snatch some off the photographer.

I promise to resume my reading and commenting as soon as I can.

For the love of dogs

image

This is Pepper. She is not ours unfortunately.

I mind dogs in my home, though I haven’t for a while since moving. I’ve been doing this for over 7 years, not being able in the past years to have another fur baby since we had to put our last girl to sleep at the age of 17.

I LOVE DOGS, for all the reasons everyone else does, their unconditional love and companionship.

She arrived yesterday afternoon, her owners off on a 10 day holiday. They bring the food, toys, bed and bowls. My job to give them all the cuddles their family would give them, feed and walk them.

Pepper is quite timid and a bit skittish. She was from a puppy factory. Heartless prisons that breed dogs over and over, that are kept in cages, given no human interaction, no daylight, or grass to run on for their entire life. They live in their own feceas and bred till their uterus literally falls out. Puppies that are born in these prisons are then sold mainly to Pet Shops, taken from their mums after a week or two, with the mums left to breed more until they die. Here in Australia their is an organisation called Oscars Law that fight very strongly to close these factories down and to stop the selling of puppies in Pet Shops.

They are succeeding!

I took Miss Peps for a walk this morning, every bus, truck, motor bike that passed by, she ran to the other side of me. Down for cuddles and reassurance.

This afternoon she came for a drive with me, whilst I dropped off K to her dads for the night. Stupidly I gave her a piece of steak (leftovers) not long before we left. Almost an hour there, then an hour back, she sat in the passenger front seat, quite content until….. Yes all over the seat. As I drove I grabbed the towel I had on the back seat, mopping, covering as best as I could, till we got home.

She’s such a sweety, I just patted her till she lay down waiting till we arrived back home.