How many times I have tried
Words that once flowed easily
I feel as if I stutter
But I struggle

It’s not the same as it was
Nothing in life has been
I have a different view
Words don’t escape

So for now let me stutter
I shall see if they unlock
It’s finding the key
The right one


Ride a white horse
Between the blackened coals
Who shies from burning fires
Strength to ride alone
Hooves that strike split cobblestones
That hit the charcoaled walls
Ride a white horse
With a mane full and long
Whose scared of sudden noises
Calmed only by your voice
Into a sky that gives no light
Let thoughts spear through the dark
For they are quick to wander
In surrounds cloudless and grey
Ride the white horse proudly
When blackened rain begins to fall
For she’s your hope to freedom
Your chance to get away


I’m not sure where this came from, or why.



Stitches of coloured thread
Shielded our bones from the cold
Faces chilled as needles
From unbending pines

The cries of wolves are distant
Paws soft on dampened moss
Scavenging amongst the timber
Of the forest’s sodden earth

We are safe in glow of embers
Protected from the darkness
Writing names across the stars
Our fingers touch and cross

We are encased within a tunnel
Of our love and thoughts
Pushing back the outside world
Here, deep amidst the forest.



What occurs when night takes it’s stranghold on the world
In the early hours as rain is constant unrelenting
As coldness forms a barrier on once a lightened day
How many are awake I ponder as sleep evades
Are they warm and comforted under cotton sheets
Or lie on concrete with cardboard to protect
Are their mothers waking to feed their young
Animals huddle amongst barren trees
Who dies tonight who lives who cries as new life enters
I stand listening as it hits the perspex
The outside light shines from the house next door
And the rain falls in patterns heavier at times
No reasoning clouds are joined as one
I drink warm cocoa knowing others are cold
Not asleep yet not fully awake as the hour clicks to morning
Rain I hear you yet I cannot see you only if I look towards the light
You drown the earth giving it sustenance
The drain pipes echo as you cascade down
Many thoughts as sleep evades I listen
And wait for a new day to arrive


She rubs her eyes
Yawns the last nights sleep away
Bare foot across the boards
Using toes to balance
She pulls old tissues from her pocket
Of her mauve worn dressing gown
She wipes the tear that’s fallen
Her finger flicks the power
Waits and listens to the kettle
And just for a split second
Ponders coffee, chocolate, tea
Staring out the window to the sound of
Boiling water in the background
She grabs the cup and spoon
All her actions in slow motion
And wonders why life has challenged her
Is there a reason for the path she walks
She does not go to church or has
Belief in a higher being
Only perhaps the universe
And she wishes upon the nightly stars
Some have hurdles greater than she
Perhaps hers not that large
In the scheme of things
Everyone has ups and downs
As the warm tea touches her lips
There are others far worse off than she
That’s how she gains perspective
This thought keeps her taking steps each day
To not give up, or wallow into dark despair
The simplicity of ‘It is what it is’
Embedded and trying to be accepted
Almost a mantra spoken now
For new events that challenge her
Sitting she holds the cup with two hands
The warmth soothes her cold palms
Let it slide, she tells herself
She can’t be everything to everyone
She can’t solve, cure, remedy, please
Though inbuilt in her nature
There are days her strength forgoes her
Allowing herself to back away
If only for some minutes
But she is resilient and knows when she is
Called upon, she will be there
As to ‘there’ that is her home
Where she’s needed, where she belongs

St. Patrick’s

Bluestone peaked
Protected by the ivy that blanketed
Its walls
Green as the clover where
Leprechauns tread
Wrought iron hinged
Door of heavy wood

It was the seventeenth of March
No petals lining carpet
For the bride to walk her way
Vows spoken
Golden band placed on finger
The vein leading to the heart

Forward to today
Still in love
Still as one
Priorities have changed
Across the years
Side by side they sit
Holding hands as they remember
Yet the days to them unknown

I’ve watched them grow
As they’ve watched me
Their hands now bruised and wrinkled
Their skin is paper thin
No illnesses till their eighties
Now each can claim their own

But today brought back the memories
Of the ivy on the Church
Of walking through the wooden doorway
Both so young and full of hope
And sixty-five years later
They celebrated their own way
With well wishes, cards & flowers
From family and their friends

Happy 65th Wedding Anniversary Penguins
Happy St. Patrick’s Day
My loves





Chat up date – It is what it is


could we be
the silhouette
we stand behind
to help them
if they falter

They can lose their way
the maze of life
it’s twists and turns
their minds
tired of coping
unable to
knees bent in weariness
but a shadow has no strength

copyright 19.2.2015

Poppa Penguin is home from Hospital, the doctors gave the okay, his physiotherapists didn’t. They advised us, that if he goes home and falls again, he will be placed into Aged Care. He is still a high falls risk, in fact being in Rehab for so long he has now become weaker.
There are now more issues, mumma Penguin, needs her walker to walk in the home. Pop has his, but also is not allowed to walk unsupervised. Which means any small steps he needs to do, mum has to accompany him. This could be alright for a younger person who has all their facilities, but for mum, sadly not.
I visited today after a Service, later in the afternoon my brother found her tablets hidden again. Her mood was verocious. I feel guilty, but I butt heads with her and we did some major butting this afternoon. Pop shakes so much he struggles to get a spoon of food into his mouth.

When my brother arrived before I, dad was stuck in the doorway, as he needs someone to remind him to take big steps, because of his Parkinson’s, he forgets.
There were raised voices today, it was terrible, Pop sat quietly, mum saying she’s not budging from the house and pop won’t be going anywhere. Because I helped feed pop, mum said ‘Daddy daddy daddy’ well I like P (my brother over you), then added no Paul was my favourite, (he passed over 10 years ago)

In the next few days my brother and I are making the toughest call, to try and put them into an aged care facility, as this will only get worse. It is what it is.

I’m just doing my normal vent here, everyone faces or will face this situation in their lives, if you aren’t already.

It sucks, it’s the only way to describe it, watching the two people who are the world to you, be in this position. Pop sitting most of the day as mum forgets to help him.

K is taking her epilepsy medication, no seizures since last week. A blessing. I have contacted a Psychoanalyst who will be speaking to her and see if she can have ongoing therapy still.

As for me? Three Services in a row this week, very tiring and I’m now a Marriage Celebrant, passing the course and being registered as of today.

I wish I could jump cartwheels, but my head is spinning and I’m too exhausted to try!

Once again thank you for reading if you lasted the length and apologies for not keeping up with your posts as much as I normally do.

Thank You

For all your kindness and lovely comments.
I would do a general thank you post, but as I am so tired..or over tired right now, I can’t comment individually to you all. So I hope you can forgive me.

As I look at the time, I have been awake now 36 hours.
I didn’t sleep the rest of the morning. Every time my eyes closed, tears fell, or I felt my heart start beating faster. Just watching K asleep, hoping, praying that she wouldn’t experience another seizure.

When my eyes stayed closed for longer than a minute, I had flashbacks of her face when I saw her convulsing. I can’t get this out of my head now.
In the wee hours a Neuro doctor came in and tested her reflexes, asked her questions.
At around 2pm another Registrar and students came in, same questions. At 3pm the Neurology doctor attended with the Registrar, asking the same questions.

Then the confirmed diagnosis of Epilepsy and ordered tablets. 400mg per day for the first week, then 800mg per day thereafter.

It is now 8pm as I write. We left the hospital after K started to get a little more than agitated from lying in a noisy room for so long. They were wanting to admit her for overnight at first, but then said she could leave. I drove her back to her place with J following behind.

For those of you with children, remember that first drive home with your new baby from the Hospital, when a speed bump was taken so carefully, when corners were taken slowly?

This is how I was with K in the passenger seat, so frightened that I may set off another seizure.

She is now asleep, her body and mind exhausted. I cannot.
I will have to take a tablet to knock me out. I went and had a shower and cried my heart out under the water, seeing her face over and over. I know I’m exhausted, I know tomorrow I won’t feel as I do now, that I won’t picture her tormented body.

I hope this medication stops them, though there is no guarantee. Could be trial and error.Once again, thank you, all of you for your support through this, I am so very grateful.

PS. Thank you to all who have read and commented on some previous posts. I have been neglecting my answers to you…believe me, I THANK YOU xx

EPSON scanner image

Chat time of feelings. Not poetry. No need to comment. Just me..bare.

As the title states.

I thought of writing this as poetry, then realised I couldn’t without it becoming bigger than Ben Hur.

So it’s a chat, it’s a chat to pour out my feelings right now.
I’m not asking for sympathy, or pity. Not wanting you to feel sorry for me and my life right now. I just need to speak.

Not what blogging is usually about, but I consider many of you my friends and I need to speak to you.

Today I was talking to daughter K on FB, she wasn’t good. She went for her first job interview in ages, over a year and was told that they couldn’t employ her as the job was too far away (about an hours drive or more).

The Agency, the government Agency that gives her benefits sent her there without looking where it was located.
This made her angry, she was so excited about the possibility of finding work.

As she talked to me, her anger grew, her desperation grew and she said if she had a gun, she’d use it. She wanted to throw herself in front of a car.

Do you know what that does to me, to a mother to hear your child wanting to end her life? I have no words.

I met with her in a carpark halfway between my place and hers and she cried her heart out in the car. Her medication helps, but only to a certain extent. Whatever it is that has a hold of her mind, that won’t allow her to start a task, any task and see it through. That won’t let her see anything good, that she only sees her her entire life mapped out before her, containing one disaster after another.

She hasn’t caught up with her sister, as she said, what do I have to offer anyone. I can ask how she is and then it’s all about me and my problems and no one wants to listen to that.

I talk to her, I supoort her financially when I can, which I am struggling with to.

Her father has stopped paying for her treatment at DBT because she didn’t attend a few sessions and he still had to pay.

My life has completely changed, I long for the day that I can not worry or have anxiety thinking about how she is getting through her hours. I would cut off my arms for my baby, if it would help her get through this.

This is not about me, this is me just venting, pouring my soul out to those who have got to know me and my family.

Pop is still in hospital and he won’t be released until they are confident that he can stand and walk with his walker with confidence.

Mumma Penguin doesn’t know what day it is half the time, that in itself is hard to witness.

I thought I was getting closer to my brother throughout this episode with Pop, but alas he said some very hurtful words against K and I can’t forgive him. He hasn’t apologised, the words were Tuesday last week. That she’s been trouble since she was born…etc etc. He ‘possibly’ understands physical, but does not understand mental illness, as many don’t.

I won’t withhold the comments, but I may not reply to each of you. As I said, this is me, sitting here, in a house that I still don’t feel settled in and call home. An ordinary woman who is going through a bit of **** right now and need to ‘blurt’ what I’m feeling.

I’m not alone in this world when it comes to family hardships, or world hardships. I’m fully aware of this. I feel guilty trying to hit the publish button.

I am not belittling anyone’s else’s pain or circumstance as I know that this may seem nothing in the scheme of things. I just want my baby to be better.

If I don’t read your posts or comment, please understand why I may not.

Thank you for reading if you have.

As I said there is no need to respond to my outburst.