As the title states.
I thought of writing this as poetry, then realised I couldn’t without it becoming bigger than Ben Hur.
So it’s a chat, it’s a chat to pour out my feelings right now.
I’m not asking for sympathy, or pity. Not wanting you to feel sorry for me and my life right now. I just need to speak.
Not what blogging is usually about, but I consider many of you my friends and I need to speak to you.
Today I was talking to daughter K on FB, she wasn’t good. She went for her first job interview in ages, over a year and was told that they couldn’t employ her as the job was too far away (about an hours drive or more).
The Agency, the government Agency that gives her benefits sent her there without looking where it was located.
This made her angry, she was so excited about the possibility of finding work.
As she talked to me, her anger grew, her desperation grew and she said if she had a gun, she’d use it. She wanted to throw herself in front of a car.
Do you know what that does to me, to a mother to hear your child wanting to end her life? I have no words.
I met with her in a carpark halfway between my place and hers and she cried her heart out in the car. Her medication helps, but only to a certain extent. Whatever it is that has a hold of her mind, that won’t allow her to start a task, any task and see it through. That won’t let her see anything good, that she only sees her her entire life mapped out before her, containing one disaster after another.
She hasn’t caught up with her sister, as she said, what do I have to offer anyone. I can ask how she is and then it’s all about me and my problems and no one wants to listen to that.
I talk to her, I supoort her financially when I can, which I am struggling with to.
Her father has stopped paying for her treatment at DBT because she didn’t attend a few sessions and he still had to pay.
My life has completely changed, I long for the day that I can not worry or have anxiety thinking about how she is getting through her hours. I would cut off my arms for my baby, if it would help her get through this.
This is not about me, this is me just venting, pouring my soul out to those who have got to know me and my family.
Pop is still in hospital and he won’t be released until they are confident that he can stand and walk with his walker with confidence.
Mumma Penguin doesn’t know what day it is half the time, that in itself is hard to witness.
I thought I was getting closer to my brother throughout this episode with Pop, but alas he said some very hurtful words against K and I can’t forgive him. He hasn’t apologised, the words were Tuesday last week. That she’s been trouble since she was born…etc etc. He ‘possibly’ understands physical, but does not understand mental illness, as many don’t.
I won’t withhold the comments, but I may not reply to each of you. As I said, this is me, sitting here, in a house that I still don’t feel settled in and call home. An ordinary woman who is going through a bit of **** right now and need to ‘blurt’ what I’m feeling.
I’m not alone in this world when it comes to family hardships, or world hardships. I’m fully aware of this. I feel guilty trying to hit the publish button.
I am not belittling anyone’s else’s pain or circumstance as I know that this may seem nothing in the scheme of things. I just want my baby to be better.
If I don’t read your posts or comment, please understand why I may not.
Thank you for reading if you have.
As I said there is no need to respond to my outburst.