It is with my heart broken, my soul numb, that I let all of those who have been my friends on WP to say these words…
My darling Pop (my penguin) left our earthly coil on the 19th of April, 2017 at 12:25pm, after a 15 hour fight to remain.
I stayed with him by his side, in his hospital room, for 6 days. Time to be, time to share.
His transition started 10pm on the 18th, his life ending after my brother, I and mum were in the room and my brother and I stood her up to give him a hug. The moment she put her head on his chest, he slightly opened his eyes, closed his mouth from the shallow breathing and relaxed. A few minutes later he joined the Angels and his youngest son.
No words describe the pain
For he was my rock
A connection without words
RIP you beautiful and much loved man
Until our paths cross once again
I am held together with
Strings of empathy
For those that hold my heart
Held to parents
Bound to children
One apron, one not
To those I say goodbye to
My work strings entwined with family
Just the thickness varies
That is all
It remains the same
When I can I give of me
I release them to the length I want
Depending on the moment
Yet there are days of knots
When I cannot give
I cannot try
I cannot unwind nor stretch further
For I am human
and humans have limitations
thank you to all you beautiful people who made comments or liked ‘She’.
thank you for your thoughts, your words of love and unwavering support.
thank you for your strength.
I can only write when the mood truly takes over me and as you have witnessed, it doesn’t happen very often. I was going to turn off comments and realised after I received some, that I failed to do so. I so love to write, but I also can’t push what isn’t there.
You have been so generous in standing by me all the years and I’m sorry that I haven’t reciprocated as I should have done over the last many months. I will continue to read when I can, but forgive me if I only press the like button, as words fail me on most days.
My penguins are still going, Pop having one or two good days of being able to communicate properly to every three or so where he struggles. He underwent having a BCC removed from his nose (benign) thankfully two weeks ago and he had to have a skin graft taken from in front of his ear.
Last week an ultrasound as he has having bladder and groin pain still. He gets a little more confused now of what is happening around him. He can feed himself, but bathroom procedures and walking are all by lifting machine still. He cannot be allowed to overheat and this is where mum and I clash. The heater in their room goes to 5, she has it on 4-5 and on some days when the sun is shining. She will then cover Pop with a blanket and not being one to complain, will just accept what she does.
She is possibly stage 4-5 with Alzheimer’s. Becoming aggressive with me mainly, as I’m there so often , but her episodes are less frequent. I had half a block of cheese thrown at me the other day as we had words over the temperature in their room. She won’t wear anything apart from a cotton short sleeve dress, slippers and a light cardigan, she will tell me she’s not cold, but insist the room temperature is… It’s a roller coaster. We can’t cover the heater dial and I have signs everywhere in the room saying do not turn up past 2.5, she ignores them. Emotionally she acts like a young girl now on many occasions, and even the ‘threat’ of moving them to separate rooms isn’t working and to be honest I don’t think that would work either.
There are other things going on within the family also which I can’t get into yet.
So to all of you, I say once again, thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts, thank you to those who read some of my older posts (WIllow) to mention just one. I hope your journeys are the best they can possibly be.
I have made so many friends and I treasure and value your kindness, comradiery and human spirit to someone you have never personally met.
So for now it’s adieu, until time is allowed for me to read, respond and hopefully write.
It doesn’t knock to be invited in
It’s felt, before the door has opened
The curtains bellow from the volume
Gathering in strength
Some days your legs give way
An ebb and flow a dance of
Sorrow and of pain
It invades your personal autonomy
Stretching the silence into hidden tears
This before the need arises
Not knowing when the knock will be heard
So we bide the time
Wait and hope and see
Preparing ourselves to cope, to deal
The best way that we can
Until the real dance begins
We were weightless butterflies
Held in our mothers arms
We then shed tears at cut knees
And as we grew
With what we felt
Not from scratch or bruises
But from our heart
As the years followed
We, born of wings
Feel the weight of weariness
Knowing how much we’ve changed
Relying on those who love us
To carry the burden of ourselves
If we could end our own suffering
Without guilt or laws set concrete
Not to cast eyes upon those who
Give us life itself
Protected by the ivy that blanketed
Green as the clover where
Wrought iron hinged
Door of heavy wood
It was the seventeenth of March
No petals lining carpet
For the bride to walk her way
Golden band placed on finger
The vein leading to the heart
Forward to today
Still in love
Still as one
Priorities have changed
Across the years
Side by side they sit
Holding hands as they remember
Yet the days to them unknown
I’ve watched them grow
As they’ve watched me
Their hands now bruised and wrinkled
Their skin is paper thin
No illnesses till their eighties
Now each can claim their own
But today brought back the memories
Of the ivy on the Church
Of walking through the wooden doorway
Both so young and full of hope
And sixty-five years later
They celebrated their own way
With well wishes, cards & flowers
From family and their friends
Happy 65th Wedding Anniversary Penguins
Happy St. Patrick’s Day
Heavy rain cloud above
Tip of an iceberg
Train track unknowingly derailed
I lack resilience
It’s the cardboard box that’s placed
Not the time capsule to be opened
A certain day, a definite year
Knowing the outcome
Just…. not when
Here is Pop in the Hospital. Last Wednesday night, I dreamt that he had passed. I had two funeral services on Friday. For some reason I went to visit him with daughter K the next night (Thirsday) and also to take his new lambs wool rug to make him more comfortable. When we walked in the room at the Aged Care (ASL) his bed was lowered almost to the floor. He had a temperature of 38.6, they gave him panadol. His eyes couldn’t open. He couldn’t speak.
I phoned daugher B, she arrived within 10 minutes. Within an hour his temperature went to 40.6. They called a locum (local doctor) who was given the run down. He then said to the 3 of us, that he has an infection – not knowing where from. Given the state of his MSA & Parkinson’s, we had 2 choices. Take him to hospital to give him antibiotics, but given his state not to put wires and tubes in him as it would be too stressful for him. The other choice, to leave him in the home and let nature take its course…
I phoned my brother, he is of a different mindset to me, I said no he goes to Hospital. The ambulance came and us 3 girls went to the hospital where he had X-rays and blood tests. Mum didn’t come, half understanding, half not. She cried and hugged him as we left, saying she can’t live without him, as we all thought…
We all stayed till 2am. I couldn’t stop crying, either could my girls. Telling him he’s not going anywhere and to stay until I returned from the services and fight.I crawled into bed at 4, then up at 8 to do the funerals…this was not easy.
Back to the Hospital with K as soon as I was done. When I walked in, he opened his eyes a little more and started crying. As K went outside for a little, tears were unstoppable, I lay on his bed holding him, his speech still barely audible. I told him how much I love him. He started to cry saying “I don’t want to go”… I told him how I couldn’t have asked for a better father and pa to my girls. How proud of him I am, how he has accomplished so much in his life and much more. All this through so many tears.
B came in, his grandson, wife & their baby & Mr.S. Mr S doesn’t cope well with hospitals, remembering how his mum passed in one.
Mr.S took K back home, I slept at B’s. Back to the hospital at 7:15. Pop is more lucid, though not conversations. He has a catheter in and about to has had 3 enemas, (as he hasn’t been for 6 days).
His temperature is normal, BP a little low. I washed him, brushed his teeth and gave him a shave, (Santa has come early) as you will see.
He sleeps on and off and can open his eyes more. By mid morning he was talking far more and I even got smiles from him. It’s a waiting game. If the infection doesn’t subside in another 12-24 hrs, they said their best option is to just make him comfortable and in no pain..
Mum phoned this morning (Saturday) “I was just thinking, if dad isn’t going to be sitting in the chair next to me, I want to move into a unit” she got angry when I tried to say no and hung up on me, she doesn’t understand what’s really going on.
Doctors just came in, aspiration pneumonia, swallowed liquid or food the wrong way and went into his trachea to his lungs (hence infection) and a bowel obstruction. I stayed till 12am as he didn’t want to be alone, having pain spasms every couple of minutes in his tummy. I held his hand as he squeezed hard, rubbed his tummy, told him to breathe through it.
It’s now 6:30am Sunday morning and I just came in again, he just woke up, but he’s not like yesterday, I sit beside him and hold his hand.
Sorry for the long post, I’ll be back reading, when I can.
Thoughts and hugs for pop please.
I know as I sit beside you
I don’t want you to go
Call it selfish of me
But this I really know
As I hugged you on your bed
And I spoke my words of love
You told me how you treasured me
Those words were more than enough
I’ll have you for as much as I can
As I can’t bare that you won’t be
But the circle of life will continue
In my work – that’s all I see
He grabbed her
hands around her diminutive waist
his words were honey dripped
of love, desire and she held
them all as they danced around
the perfume of magnolias
below the sky of gems
Her skirts swirled across the grass
his eyes blue as ocean spray
pierced her heart and the blood
mingled with the honey
melting into his arms
losing himself in her
the tilt of her head, the fall of her hair
the smile that was brighter than the stars
and he held her close and firm
then the moon showed itself
its luminous glow burst across the graves
and he was alone
his arms empty
copyright JMTacken 5.1.2015