And so….

It is with my heart broken, my soul numb, that I let all of those who have been my friends on WP to say these words…

My darling Pop (my penguin) left our earthly coil on the 19th of April, 2017 at 12:25pm, after a 15 hour fight to remain.

I stayed with him by his side, in his hospital room, for 6 days. Time to be, time to share.

His transition started 10pm on the 18th, his life ending after my brother, I and mum were in the room and my brother and I stood her up to give him a hug. The moment she put her head on his chest, he slightly opened his eyes, closed his mouth from the shallow breathing and relaxed. A few minutes later he joined the Angels and his youngest son.

No words describe the pain
For he was my rock
A connection without words
RIP you beautiful and much loved man
Until our paths cross once again

😪💔😪

String lines

I am held together with
S
T
R
I
N
G
S
Strings of empathy
For those that hold my heart
Held to parents
Bound to children
One apron, one not
To those I say goodbye to
My work strings entwined with family
Just the thickness varies
That is all
For animals
It remains the same

When I can I give of me
S
T
R
I
N
G
S
I release them to the length I want
Depending on the moment
Yet there are days of knots
When I cannot give
I cannot try
I cannot unwind nor stretch further
For I am human
now
always
and humans have limitations

Update & Thank You

thank you to all you beautiful people who made comments or liked ‘She’.

thank you for your thoughts, your words of love and unwavering support.

thank you for your strength.

I can only write when the mood truly takes over me and as you have witnessed, it doesn’t happen very  often. I was going to turn off comments and realised after I received some, that I failed to do so. I so love to write, but I also can’t push what isn’t there.

You have been so generous in standing by me all the years and I’m sorry that I haven’t reciprocated as I should have done over the last many months. I will continue to read when I can, but forgive me if I only press the like button, as words fail me on most days.

My penguins are still going, Pop having one or two good days of being able to communicate properly to every three or so where he struggles. He underwent having a BCC removed from his nose (benign) thankfully two weeks ago and he had to have a skin graft taken from in front of his ear.

Last week an ultrasound as he has having bladder and groin pain still. He gets a little more confused now of what is happening around him. He can feed himself, but bathroom procedures and walking are all by lifting machine still. He cannot be allowed to overheat and this is where mum and I clash. The heater in their room goes to 5, she has it on 4-5 and on some days when the sun is shining. She will then cover Pop with a blanket and not being one to complain, will just accept what she does.

She is possibly stage 4-5 with Alzheimer’s. Becoming aggressive with me mainly, as I’m there so often , but her episodes are less frequent. I had half a block of cheese thrown at me the other day as we had words over the temperature in their room. She won’t wear anything apart from a cotton short sleeve dress, slippers and a light cardigan, she will tell me she’s not cold, but insist the room temperature is… It’s a roller coaster. We can’t cover the heater dial and I have signs everywhere in the room saying do not turn up past 2.5, she ignores them. Emotionally she acts like a young girl now on many occasions, and even the ‘threat’ of moving them to separate rooms isn’t working and to be honest I don’t think that would work either.

There are other things going on within the family also which I can’t get into yet.

So to all of you, I say once again, thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts, thank you to those who read some of my older posts (WIllow) to mention just one. I hope your journeys are the best they can possibly be.

I have made so many friends and I treasure and value your kindness, comradiery and human spirit to someone you have never personally met.

So for now it’s adieu, until time is allowed for me to read, respond and hopefully write.

 

love J

xc

 

 

 

 

 

Grief before the end

Grief
Physically invisible
It doesn’t knock to be invited in
It’s felt, before the door has opened
The curtains bellow from the volume
Circling around

Gathering in strength
Some days your legs give way
An ebb and flow a dance of
Sorrow and of pain

It invades your personal autonomy
Stretching the silence into hidden tears
This before the need arises
Not knowing when the knock will be heard

So we bide the time
Wait and hope and see
Preparing ourselves to cope, to deal
The best way that we can
Until the real dance begins

Starting….finishing

We were weightless butterflies
Held in our mothers arms
We then shed tears at cut knees
And as we grew
With what we felt
Not from scratch or bruises
But from our heart

As the years followed
We,  born of wings
Feel the weight of weariness
Knowing how much we’ve changed
Relying on those who love us
To carry the burden of ourselves

If we could end our own suffering
Without guilt or laws set concrete
Not to cast eyes upon those who

Give us life itself 

Could we

Would we

St. Patrick’s

Bluestone peaked
Protected by the ivy that blanketed
Its walls
Green as the clover where
Leprechauns tread
Wrought iron hinged
Door of heavy wood

It was the seventeenth of March
No petals lining carpet
For the bride to walk her way
Vows spoken
Golden band placed on finger
The vein leading to the heart

Forward to today
Still in love
Still as one
Priorities have changed
Across the years
Side by side they sit
Holding hands as they remember
Yet the days to them unknown

I’ve watched them grow
As they’ve watched me
Their hands now bruised and wrinkled
Their skin is paper thin
No illnesses till their eighties
Now each can claim their own

But today brought back the memories
Of the ivy on the Church
Of walking through the wooden doorway
Both so young and full of hope
And sixty-five years later
They celebrated their own way
With well wishes, cards & flowers
From family and their friends

Happy 65th Wedding Anniversary Penguins
Happy St. Patrick’s Day
My loves

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