It seems so – Mother to her child

Have I forgotten the first signs of you wanting to come into this world

It seems so

Have I forgotten the pain that racked through my body as you circled and moved within me

It seems so

Have I forgotten screaming in agony and wishing you would appear

It seems so

Have I forgotten the stitches and the burning when I stepped into those salt baths

It seems so

Have I forgotten day four or five when my hormones surged and I felt that I could do nothing right

It seems so

Have I forgotten the swelling of my breasts when my milk came in and the hot shower that brought relief

It seems so

Have I forgotten the inadequacies I felt when I couldn’t bring up your wind after a feed and thought ‘I can’t do this’

It seems so

Have I forgotten the fear I felt when you slept by my side in the hospital and didn’t wake for me

It seems so

Have I forgotten bathing you for first time trying to console myself that I wouldn’t accidentally let you slip

It seems so – but

Have I forgotten the moment they laid you on my bare skin – it seems not

Have I forgotten looking at you in absolute awe of your beauty – it seems not

Have I forgotten holding your tiny hands in mine and counting your fingers and toes – it seems not

Have I forgotten brushing my cheek upon yours with my tears flowing – it seems not

Have I forgotten that from that day forward my role was to protect you and keep you from harm – it seems not

Have I forgotten watching you suckle as you grasped your tiny fingers around my seemingly cumbersome ones and drifted off to sleep – how could I

Have I forgotten that I realised how lucky I was to have gone through the miracle of birth and to have two beautiful daughters because of it – how could I

Have I forgotten taking you for your first inoculation and wanting the pain to be mine and not yours – how could I

Have I forgotten with every day that passes how much my love for both of you grow and how proud I am of both of you – Never

To my girls – I love you


I slept! Plus Chapter 2 – 1st Time Mum

Firstly I would like to thank those people that have read my posts and taken the time to comment.

Once feels so humbled, knowing that amongst the millions of bloggers that my tiny snippets of rambling have been acknowledged.

Secondly (and possibly a little out there) I am thanking the  new Target Commercial for having a ‘normal size’ model in their adds. What a relief to see a woman dancing around in her underwear that has a figure that the majority of women have in this world and not some skinny rib showing, flawless model. So Touche to you Target! Just had to get that out there, clueless as to why.

Thirdly, I slept last night, yes I had to resort to half of a ‘over the counter’ pill but I slept and feel so much better for it.

So for those that were on tender-hooks after my blog last night – you can put your mind at ease, for I now sit at my desk in my little study in my home, writing without bleary eyes. I am sure you are all relieved.

Below is the next Chapter of my short story that was published – Ok if you haven’t read the 1st Chapter it’s under FIRST TIME MUM, you may want to look at that before you contemplate the below otherwise it will make no sense to you at all.


By the time I drove home my mind was racing with so many questions firstly how do I tell my news – straight out, subtly or tell my husband that Ash would be having a brother or sister in nine months? Then there were the questions of would I make a good mother, can I look after a baby, would I drown him/her with their first bath?

I opted for the ‘Ash is going to have a brother/sister’ line when I told my husband. Yes, as any prospective father to be there was the initial slight shock, the ‘are you sure’, followed by the excitement of what was taking place.

Our first Ultrasound was three weeks later, where after having to consume a rather large amount of water and having to wait through those agonizing minutes without being able to relieve myself was the beginning of the ride. Up on the table to have my stomach smeared with gel, I gripped Garry’s hand tightly.  I felt restless and impatient as the technician glided the ultrasonic camera over my belly. Then we finally saw the image. My feelings then shifted from nervousness to that of complete wonderment. Though the picture that was visible on the monitor looked nothing more than a blob with extended parts, he/she was there right in front of me and that is when I became aware that this was happening that there was a little life inside of me. He/she was at this stage was four finger breadths long, aged 13 weeks and one day and was due to be born on the 22nd March 1983.

**My memoir The Empty Nest A Mother’s Hidden Grief is now available on Lulu or Amazon (J M Kadane)**