Day after – chat time

K slept well, waking this morning she still felt tired and napped throughout the day.

She realised that she had bitten her tongue and now was talking with a slight lisp, this will heal.

She still does not remember the majority of what happened, but she did recognise changes as a result of her new medication (that she started last Monday). Last night when she was wanting to go home, she felt more relaxed and was able to handle the situation more calmly…taking it in her stride.

I’m tired tonight as I write, so forgive me for not answering everyone’s kind comments individually from the post last night.

I have read them all and I am so grateful for all of your support and caring, for not only K but for me also.

Thank you everyone – you are all appreciated.


Days change – Chat time

It’s 12:40am Monday morning.
This afternoon we had Mr.S’s kids and grandchildren over for a Christmas BBQ.
All was well till I received a phone call from J, K’s boyfriend, telling me that she was in
hospital and had had a seizure.

Thankfully I hadn’t consumed much alcohol, I drove the hour to the hospital, shaking and
wondering why, how?

When I arrived she was still in emergency, looking pale and very drowsy, hooked up to a saline drip.
J then told me what happened.

They called into see the penguins, as they pulled into the driveway, K looked at J rather strangely, then her body went rigid and her foot was still on the accelator, J had to pull her leg away, as the car was still going. Her eyes rolled back and she started ‘frothing’ and convulsing. This went on for some time. He raced from the car and started banging loudly on the door and screaming for help.
Mum and pop penguin ..finally came to the door, thinking it was kids playing a prank.

Just prior to the seizure, K said she felt like she was having a de ja vu type experience, which she also had the day before, this was possibly a warning sign.

J managed to get her out of the car, the ambulance was called. K was vomiting and vomited several times in the ambulance to the hospital.
Blood and urine samples taken, they were okay, but she showed low kidney function.
She then went for a CT scan, this came back clear, thankfully.

We stayed with her having two saline bags to get through and obtain the results till 11:15pm.

She told me she thought she was going to die, that she had never felt so scared. Her pulse was 140 when admitted and her BP 85/64 ..very low. She was hyperventilating in the ambulance.
She will now have an MRI scan done during the week and wait to see a Neurologist to see what or how this was caused.

The nurse did say it can happen due to great stress…

I massaged her head as she lay there, I felt hopeless as we all do, in times like this.
K has started taking medication for her BPD, so I queried the nurse and doctor if this could have caused it, they said no.

To see your ‘baby’ no matter what age they may be, frightened, is heartbreaking.
Because her body went so rigid, she now has thrown her back out too.

She is now home, I drove back in the silence of the summer night, window down, thinking how fragile life really is. How a day can change in an instant, but I thank the universe that she is still with us and hope that this is the first and last seizure she has.


The Bridge


Cautiously she tread
toes splayed for balance
bare heels touching first
the wooden pales that made the bridge
it gently swayed as she held fast
steel pipes within her palms

watching the path
that lay ahead

She stops
unaware of towering trees
enconsed in forest green
blue river deep below
the sun hitting rocks
that lined it’s course

watching the path
that lay ahead

Instead she’s trapped
cornered animal in a cage
despair, anxious
disconnected, angry
emotions that come in waves
never ending one moment
every moment
one day to the next

watching the path
that lay ahead

Her heart tells her step forward
her mind tells her no
scared to try
her feet stand still in lonliness
the world in front
yet out of reach
the one behind she wants to leave

watching the path
that lays ahead

She now sways from side to side
trying to escape
the demons in her head
to walk the path beyond
let her feet step lightly
watching the path
that lays ahead

let her reach the other side
so she knows that she belongs

Copyright JMTacken 15.12.2014

Thank you everyone for your gracious comments on my last posts. I’ve been absent for a while, for reasons most of you would be aware of.

This is written for K, who had another extremely bad time the day before her 28th birthday last Saturday. She took off in her car for a few hours. I asked her late Saturday where she went.
She cried saying back to the other house, I just sat in the car as I often do, as I don’t know where I belong.

I hope to be reading and commenting on your posts again, thank you.


My world is tumbling around me.

I thank you all for reading Pathways and your comments. I cannot at this time answer you, but know that I have read them and thank you so much for reading.

I won’t be reading your posts for a while either, I’m sorry, but I’m not in the right headspace to do so.

K is going through a very bad time. I don’t know when I will be writing again, if I do, forgive me for pouring my heart out ..yet again. I know this is not what blogging is or should be about.

I just want this nightmare for her to end and there are no easy answers for any of us.



Ilya Kisaradov.twistedlamb

familiar paths to cover
the hardest of them all
they cross the unknown
which is the bravest route

take care upon this journey
upon darkened grains
by oceans black
when you weep alone
I hear you

your hands cannot wipe clear
this fog that will not lift
this is the view
of the world in which you live

I try to keep the candles alight
hoping to guide the way
but you always extinguish them
and even with my tears

… think you’ll burn

Copyright JMTacken 5.12.2014



The elastic band strung tight
let go again without warning
small moments perhaps signs
but they vanished quickly

lost, circling tornado
picking up all in her path
she touched the surface of the earth
collided with those she loved

she takes those with her
we fall, we rise consistently
blown about without guidance
not knowing where we’ll land

her winds blow
strong and fierce
leaving tears in our eyes
till she grounds once more

Copyright JMTacken

BPD Seminar and me.

Today was a very long day. Yawned, stretched and up at 6. Showered, dressed, cup of tea, out the door at 7. I arrived at 7:20. It commenced at 8.30, but I volunteered to help with door registrations and finished at 5.

Today was the Annual Seminar for Borderline Personality Disorder, which was held in Melbourne.  Approximately 450 people attended.

Consumers – this is the label they use for those who suffer from BPD.

Carer’s or Support People – Moi

Clinician’s, Doctors, Health Departments and the best of all, those who have lived with BPD and come out the other side.

Those who were healed and recovered.

Daughter K attended as did her boyfriend J.

We sat and listened to a panel of  ‘Consumers’ (such a terrible label) we then listened to two who took to the stage who shared their life experiences.

At morning tea, I had the pleasure to be able to ask one of them, Catherine, a few questions that I needed to know. I shall simplify the questions and answers, after giving her a very brief rundown on how K interacts.

Do BPD’s know how to manipulate ?  “Oh we most certainly do”.

Do they lie? “Yes we are pretty good at it”.

Should I feel guilty if I give in to demands? “No you shouldn’t”.

Should I be stronger, set more boundaries? “Yes, you should, why give in to an adult, if she didn’t have BPD would you give in as much? My reply was no. “Well don’t give in now”.

It’s strange how a few words can boost your confidence, give you hope, empower you.

Later during the day Catherine was outside, I was able to speak to her again and better yet, K and J came out and she spoke to K.

“So are you practising your mindfulness”?…….. No not really.

“Do you want to get well”?….. Yes I do.

“Well you won’t if you don’t practice. Even though I am recovered, I have a reminder on my phone every hour to practise, takes one minute. At night I take 2 minutes, centering myself. This is what you must do, otherwise, it will be a long haul”….. I know that now and realise I should….”Good, we can listen to those hundred monkeys in our heads, or we can close the door on them, the option is ours and no one elses”

She talked to us on and off throughout the day, asking me who my support person was, I said I have my partner, but it’s difficult for him to understand and I have girlfriends who give me their advice. She said you need someone who understands, who will be there in the bad moments, which there are many. She gave me her website and email address to talk to her, if I need. I just hugged her and cried.

J and I are now on polite speaking terms, I thought it best to forgive and forget what he said to me in those days prior to me moving in with my penguins. He sent me a text later saying I think K now realises she must work harder at this. I just smiled as I read.

It was only a day, only words, but I have all fingers crossed this may have helped my baby girl on the road to a quicker recovery.



PS:    If anyone has any questions about BPD, I will do my best to answer you, either on here or email.




Borderline Personality Disorder

It is Thursday the 26th of June. I sit at the home of my parents.

I thought about writing this weeks ago,  not knowing if I should ‘explain my situation’, but I now do,  in the hope that anyone else who reads my ‘blog’ may be helped in some way. Anyone that they may know that might display the symptoms of BPD can then hopefully try and receive the care and attention that they need.

4 weeks ago (almost 5) my youngest daughter (27) had a ‘major meltdown’ and as a consequence, my life spiraled out of control, as did hers. She lived with me and my partner Mr. S and also her boyfriend.

Some of you have emailed and I have explained my situation, or a brief outline.

I write this now, for any parent or family member who has a child/teenager or adult still under their care, or that they may know, who may have been diagnosed with depression, or with bipolar/anxiety, that there maybe another illness that it could possibly be.

One that up to 7 months ago, I had never heard about. It is called – Borderline Personality Disorder, or more commonly BPD.

Borderline can be closely linked with also having depression, bi-polar or anxiety.

My daughter K attends the DBT (Dialectal Behaviour Therapy) Centre in Melbourne. This Clinic specialises in using a Modified Cognitive Behavioural Therapy treatment.

Many therapists won’t take on patients with BPD as it is so complex and frustrating and simply hard work.
Martha Linehan introduced this style of therapy and only recently was it then public knowledge, that she herself suffered from BPD.

It is a confusing and frustrating mental illness, the patient suffering from extreme sensitivity to all matters, to the point where emotional outbursts, sometimes will result in violence to others or self harm and or suicide of the patient.

This is her life, my life and that of my family. I was guilty. I did not understand, I did not read up about it, what it entailed, how severe it was. I learnt the hard way.

There are 9 indications that a person has BPD. For those that wish to read a little on what BPD is –

For the past 4 weeks I have not lived in my home, spending the first week with my eldest daughter and now my parents.  My partner had to remove himself from the situation on that terrible night, moving elsewhere, but we are trying to keep our relationship together. I am now in a position where I have to sell my home, as my income is limited. I cannot live with K nor can she live with me.

This illness is described as a ‘relationship killer’. Or the ‘love/hate relationship’. Carers and or family members having to walk on eggshells, for fear of triggering their emotions.

There have been factors/incidences, that I think/feel have manifested in her, resulting in her diagnosis of BPD, which I cannot go into detail about.

She, displayed to the outside world a happy, confident young woman with a great sense of humour. Underlying, however was festering BPD.

I love my daughter with every breath that I breathe, but I cannot live with her any longer. I have so much guilt, as a mother who does not want her to self harm or god forbid even contemplate suicide, because she feels she cannot cope with the ‘normal’ world around her. Thankfully, her therapist has not seen any signs of this.

I have spoken to others on WordPress who are sufferers, I have joined a monthly support group to help me try to connect once more with the daughter that I love. I read and read all that I can, but because her ‘personality’ can jump from one extreme to the next, managing or understanding what she suffers is extremely difficult. It is not like bi-polar where there are extreme highs, then extreme lows. BDP sufferers experience this continually… the virtual see-saw.

From what I have learned or more so witnessed with my daughter, is we can compartmentalize our thoughts/actions at a given time. She/they can not. What we may ‘spread over’ a day or a week, she/they have constantly circling in their minds. Lists are written to try and help her cope daily, lists which she would always read out loud to me, of what she had to do each day, in order to get some ‘peace’ in her mind. I would be constantly contacted by text, if I was out, with K advising me what she was doing next.  Still, even though I knew this wasn’t right for a girl of 27, I did not look into it further.

Jobs were plentiful, as BPD sufferers sabotage jobs they are in, even if they are enjoying it. They have no self worth, also feeling that others should handle their distress.

The family or carers, must ‘cop the tirades’, the abuse, only when it becomes violent must we walk away from the situation, in order to protect ourselves, or them.

It is distressing, it is heartbreaking, but I have been advised and read that it is to an extent curable.  It can take many years to do so however. The patient must learn the skills required, not to be triggered by what others say or do, or events that they experience, to cope with their own instabilities. The recipient must also learn strategies not to evoke, upset and try to understand what they are experiencing.

I am doing what I can, but as a parent I am ashamed to say that I am limited. Selling my home/her home, in order for me to survive, plays heavily on my heart as her mother and my emotions, as BPD’s have a great fear of abandonment (even if they aren’t being abandoned) are understandably erratic right now .

I live with mum and Pop and as many of you know, mum has dementia, so I have taken on the role of full time carer for both of them for the time being. When I move I will also be an hours drive from them, which may not seem much, but I have always been within minutes of them.

But this isn’t about me and how I feel, or what I’ve been going through.  It is about an illness that not many have heard about, or are able to comprehend. To an outsider, the BPD is just acting like a ‘spoilt brat’, seeking attention, wishing to manipulate, but this is not true.

Their process of dealing with emotions of any kind is vastly different to those who don’t suffer this.

For weeks, this has consumed me, to try and do the right thing. She has no where else to live other than my home, which I cannot afford to keep any longer. This is my dilemma, being torn apart, not wanting to lose my partner of 6 years whom I love and knowing what I can do,  that won’t see my youngest baby in the streets. Public housing is pretty much non existent here. Private renting is available, but expensive. Crisis housing not an option, as she and her B/F would have to move from one place to the next every few days and I know she would not be able to take or cope with this, nor do either of them have a steady income.

I am in discussion with her father and I talk constantly with my friends and I can only hope we can reach a solution and soon.

I am now seeing a therapist, as I feel as if I have been drowning, but my daughter K is the one who is drowning the most and I will do whatever I can to ensure that she is cured of this terrible illness and able to live a happy and well adjusted life in the future. That is all any parent wishes. This is what I wish, as she feels that I do not love her or support her in this.

So, in closing, I can only suggest that you seek help from your Medical Practitioner, if you feel that you, or someone you love or know, maybe showing signs of BPD.

Help is out there, it is a long road that I travel, but an even longer road for my darling ‘baby girl’..


PS:  I thank you if you have read. I thank all of you, those that read me regularly and knew nothing of my situation and yet have shown and given support, love and encouragement along these weeks, which to me at this juncture, seem like months.