Thank You

For all your kindness and lovely comments.
I would do a general thank you post, but as I am so tired..or over tired right now, I can’t comment individually to you all. So I hope you can forgive me.

As I look at the time, I have been awake now 36 hours.
I didn’t sleep the rest of the morning. Every time my eyes closed, tears fell, or I felt my heart start beating faster. Just watching K asleep, hoping, praying that she wouldn’t experience another seizure.

When my eyes stayed closed for longer than a minute, I had flashbacks of her face when I saw her convulsing. I can’t get this out of my head now.
In the wee hours a Neuro doctor came in and tested her reflexes, asked her questions.
At around 2pm another Registrar and students came in, same questions. At 3pm the Neurology doctor attended with the Registrar, asking the same questions.

Then the confirmed diagnosis of Epilepsy and ordered tablets. 400mg per day for the first week, then 800mg per day thereafter.

It is now 8pm as I write. We left the hospital after K started to get a little more than agitated from lying in a noisy room for so long. They were wanting to admit her for overnight at first, but then said she could leave. I drove her back to her place with J following behind.

For those of you with children, remember that first drive home with your new baby from the Hospital, when a speed bump was taken so carefully, when corners were taken slowly?

This is how I was with K in the passenger seat, so frightened that I may set off another seizure.

She is now asleep, her body and mind exhausted. I cannot.
I will have to take a tablet to knock me out. I went and had a shower and cried my heart out under the water, seeing her face over and over. I know I’m exhausted, I know tomorrow I won’t feel as I do now, that I won’t picture her tormented body.

I hope this medication stops them, though there is no guarantee. Could be trial and error.Once again, thank you, all of you for your support through this, I am so very grateful.

PS. Thank you to all who have read and commented on some previous posts. I have been neglecting my answers to you…believe me, I THANK YOU xx

Mother’s Day – Perhaps this is from a child’s view?

I didn’t see your smiling face when you found out you were pregnant with me, or how you held your tummy protectively.   I didn’t see you laugh when I first kicked the inside of you or I had the hiccups.

I didn’t know the pain you went through to have me, nor did I hear your screams, or see your tears, or feel the injection in your spine to numb the pain.  I didn’t see you push and pant and try to breathe as my body wanted to come out of yours.   I didn’t know that you moved around the bed and room in every position you could think of trying to ease the pain of the contractions that wracked through your body.    I didn’t see you get upset when your milk first came in or realise that hormones were racing through your body and how you thought you couldn’t cope with this little human being that was your daughter.

I didn’t see the stitches you had to have, or the salt baths you had to take to help your discomfort. I didn’t know you cried when you left the hospital for your special treat dinner,  whilst I lay in my hospital crib or that you couldn’t finish your food because you just wanted to get back to me.

I didn’t see you sob for endless nights because I had to have a plaster cast  on my both my legs as my hips were ‘not quite right’, or the frustration that completely overwhelmed you.   I didn’t see you pace the corridor in the hospital, mascara smudging your face from so many tears,  when something went wrong with my hip and I had to have an operation.

I was unaware…but I loved you

You heard me crying in the middle of the night but I didn’t see your eyes closed or you rubbing them to try and wake you.   I did not know what time it was, I only knew that I was hungry.   I didn’t see you stumble from your bed and grab your dressing gown as you quietly entered my room.    I felt you lift me from my cot, warm from the blankets you had wrapped around me to keep me from the cold, but I saw you through my tears and hunger, I saw your smiling face and heard you whisper ‘Ssh little one…I know”. I drank from you, though I did not realise how you fed me.

I didn’t know the words you whispered “Do you know how much I love you” as you held my tiny hand.  I drank warm milk that nourished me and filled my empty tummy and when I was full and half asleep you carried me to my bed and tucked me safely back in and I felt your lips kiss my cheek and forehead and heard you say  “Goodnight my darling”.

I was unaware….but I loved you

I didn’t know that you cried when you took me for my first injection or understood when you told the doctor “I wish it was me that was having this, not her”.   I did not know that you were frustrated with me when I couldn’t settle at night because I had strong pains in my tummy from colic and how tired you were from lack of sleep or how hopeless you felt that you couldn’t stop my pain.

I was unaware…but I loved you

I didn’t witness your tears as you walked back to the car on my first day of school. I was excited and rushed off into my classroom and gave you a wave. I don’t remember saying “You can go home now mum, I’m a big girl”.   My lunches were made each day and a treat was packed for my morning play, I didn’t know it was you.  I saw your smiling face every day when school finished, waiting at the gate to pick me up.   I remember coming home in the midst of winter to a warm house and dry clothes and a towel to dry my hair and something nice to eat.   I remember the stories you would read to me as you sat on my bed and how I pleaded for you to read it over and over again.

I was becoming aware…and I loved you

I didn’t see you pace the floor when I was out at a party or how worried you were when I got my license and drove my first car.   I didn’t see your tears as you hoped that I would be safe on the roads and come home in one piece. I didn’t know that you lay in bed, glancing at the clock every few minutes, waiting to hear the front door open and my footsteps walk down the passage-way.

I was becoming aware…and I loved you

I saw the tears in your eyes when I grew up, the time that I left home.   I didn’t know that the last lot of clothes that I threw in the laundry basket that you would end up washing would make you cry, or see the tears fall down your face as you walked around my empty bedroom. I didn’t really know that you would suffer or feel pain at not having me there anymore.

I was aware…I love you

I saw the tears on my wedding day and the pride in your face as you watched me take my vows and begin my life with my new husband. I didn’t know that you wished your little girl could remain your little girl for ever.

I am aware ….I love you

My eldest who is overseas with her husband for 4 months posted this on FB this morning for Mothers Day (she is currently in South America).  I miss her, but she is having a fabulous time. This prompted my piece today.

~~~

Through the pain of childbirth you brought me to this world
you protected and fed me and covered my scratches with band aids
kissed me to make it better and it was
you held my hand to cross the road
you hugged me when I was sad
tried to take away my tears
when I was hurting inside
you did all of these things
and so much more…because you are a mum

HAPPY MOTHER’s DAY TO ALL OF MY READERS AND TO MUMS OF CHILDREN OR FUR-BABIES EVERYWHERE.

MAG 158 Challenge Temptation

Temptation

Temptation led me to your door, a husband & child I left at home
I forgive myself … to want so much more

you enticed me
your eyes cast a spell
you tempted me with… your voice

should I feel guilt, or be ashamed?  hell no… I only have myself to blame for

resistance to you…futile
I took the vows…I’ve paid my dues, am I wrong…my crazed obsession for you

my child will always
be my side….you say that you accept this
there is nothing else I hide

I ran through pouring rain…. to you, to collapse into your arms

exhaustion leaves my body weak, I want, I lust… I ask
strip the clothes that cling….watch me naked

warm me with your body heat
I’m yours… I give you…. me …. now and every tomorrow,  I have granted
I have to leave behind my life…but take my child

to start anew, for all I want in a cruel universe

is a life to share
with you

For The Mag magpietales.blogspot.com.au    Another fabulous photo and challenge.

Reunion

Child touch you daddy’s knee.
do not cry my child, he is your dad
he is a stranger I know, brush your tears
away, for they now should be tears of happiness
he has come back to us, he shall hug you and tell you
how sorry he is, for the years he has missed, the years that
he didn’t get to know you, see he also cries, he didn’t mean to
go away, he was young and scared, as your mummy was, but I
gave you birth and never a day has passed that I regret having you
he has missed you growing, missed the first words you uttered, missed
your first steps, your laughter, don’t cry, he is not a stranger any longer not
to you or to me, he is your father and he is sorry, so very sorry for running away
sorry for not being able to hold or watch you grow, to comfort you or me but he has returned, touch his knee angel, your daddy has returned to us, no….no cry with him little girl….cry your daddy is now home

Ode to the children of Connecticut

The children

The little ones

Who won’t be cuddled Christmas Day

the innocent

the life yet lead

so cruelly taken away

The parents and the grief

the children that they lost

I can’t imagine

the pain within their hearts

at what this slaying cost

Hold tight your little ones

even though you can’t hold them

take a moment of your day

to think of the useless mayhem

So sparkling eyes of child now gone

R.I.P and we can only say

how sorry that this happened to you

shame, unbelief, upon this senseless day

Today whilst Christmas shopping. A little girl with Down Syndrome came up to Mr S and I in the aisle.

She tapped us both on the stomach and said “I’m going camping”.

We asked where.

“Near a river” was her reply with a grin that beamed across her face.

We melted.

She will see the river …but those lost in this massacre will never run their hands through the water….

Christmas – to be a child again – Poetry

Written whilst listening to the gentle lull of a piano

Oh how I wish I was a child again

waking in the night full of hope and then

wishing for the gifts that I have put on my list

wanting to run and laugh and be kissed

 

My face would reveal my awe

my face would say thank you and so much more

the joy that is for Christmas Day

the innocence of a child, the smile that I portray

~~~~~~~

The tip toe of a child in the morn

gazing upon the tree decorations that adorn

the twinkle that crosses upon their face

the excitement..the anticipation of… I cannot wait

 

Christmas is for children to see the happiness it brings

the pleasure and the eagerness..makes our grown hearts sing

for Christmas is a special time that adults hold in their heart

the love that hugs us from within that can’t be torn apart

 

Grasp the bauble from the tree my little one

do you see the colours as it spins?

scrunch the wrapping paper and watch me melt at your wide grin

this is the day for you my child… I wish to be young again

 

To have these happy memories though I have  some of my own

I take a backward glance… see me as a child and feel the way you do now

bring your laughter to the house on Christmas Day

so that I can relive this joy… so that I too may feel this way

 

Any child at Christmas, though they may not be your own

have a smile a simplicity that’s a wonder to behold

so share with any child if you can the day that holds this delight

clutch at the happiness that they share…embrace and hold them tight

 

I wish I was a child again

Google & 123rf photos

Inspired from  http://sensuousamberville.wordpress.com post  “The Wonderment of Christmas”. Thank you Amber.

Motherhood – telling it like it is..the good..the bad…the ugly

How brave am I with that Title!

Dislocating my shoulder from patting myself on the back…that’s how much.

No honestly I have read a few blogs (such a blagh word) posts..posts sounds much more dignified, of late and wanted to write the below.

This is Mumsy talking ..honest..straight from the heart …the gut…the soul…

Mums,Moms,mothers..no matter what word you use (now take a deep deep breath in) we are special, we are loving, we are caring, we are nurturing, we are protective, we are consoling, we are advises, we are taxi drivers, we are nurses, we are accountants, we are healers, we are protectors, we are hard task masters, we are insane, we are counsellors, we are time keepers, we are the carers, we are …well just mums.

No one prepares you for mother hood no matter how many books you may read, or what advice is imparted by family, relatives or friends. When I was having my 2nd, I pulled into the driveway to drop off daughter # 1 to be greeted by my mum who said “Hope it’s a boy”… Hmmph well I don’t really care at this point I just want IT OUT!!

You can take in all the advice (especially with your 1st) you absorb and then it’s up to  you..plain and simple you are the one having said child.. you are the one that is going to go through unexplainable agony to deliver said child and you are the one to raise said child to the best of your ability.

Prior to having your lovely little one….

Do they tell you that you that in the throes of labour you will hate your other half for getting you into this mess in the first place? No

Do they tell you, even though you may decide on a drug free birth that the pain is so great you may simply relinquish all thoughts of not wanting to possibly inflict any drugs into your baby’s system for taking some? No

Do they tell you that you  have to have an enema (why couldn’t I just have had prunes?) and a mini shave? (like OMG what is THAT all about) No

Do they tell you that you have to leave any embarrassment aside that you may feel about having your legs spread wide or in stirrups with bright neon lights shining onto your private bits? No

Do they tell you that you will squat, be on all fours, lay down, toss, turn, sit, pant, breathe heavy,cry? No

Do they tell you, you will feel like you are passing a watermelon and not a small baby? No

Do they tell you when your milk comes in day 3 or 4 that you turn into the devil incarnate? No

Do they tell you that relieving your sore and swollen “boobies” can only be helped by (a) standing under a hot shower (b) putting cabbage leaves across them (such elegance) or expressing? No

Do they tell you if you have had to have an episiotomy that the only cure is a salt bath and a whoopee cushion? No

Do they tell you that yes you may not be able to burp your baby and their lips may turn purple? No

Do they tell you it’s natural for you to run down to the nursery if baby isn’t in the same room with you to check on them every 2 minutes? No

Do they tell you that if your baby doesn’t sleep and you are rocking them, laying them along your arm, feeding them, burping them, laying them on your tummy and you will be so sleep deprived that you feel you want to throw them out the window? No

Do they tell you that they will test your patience, make you cry, make you scream, make you say  “Why are you even here?? No

Do they tell you that their first bowel movements may make you gag? No

Do they tell you when you bath them that it is ok and you that you won’t accidentally drown them? No

Do they tell you when you want to cook the dinner that that is the time they will play up and cry and want attention? No

BUT SHOULD THEY TELL YOU

That you will go through the worst pain you have ever experienced in your entire life  and be grateful that you did and you won’t remember it.

That you will look upon your newborn child with awe and amazement of how you created this tiny being?

That you will snuggle against your newborns skin and take in their baby smell and realise that is all you have ever wanted or needed in your life.

That you watch them feed and gaze at their sleepy eyes as they close sated with milk.

That you will listen to their first words and think they are the most brilliant child to be born.

That you will watch them take their first steps and be warm,fuzzy and proud inside.

That you will heal their wounds and band aid their cuts when they fall.

That you will treasure the moment they bring home their first piece of art work from kinder and school.

That you will be so excited for them when they have met a friend.

That you will be the shoulder they need to cry on when they have been hurt by someone.

That you will be there to help and guide and protect and nurture them for as long as you live.

That yes there will be testing times and angry times and frustrating times but it’s all part of being a mum.

That you think being a mum for all it’s trials and tribulations is what you have wanted more than anything else in this world.

That the love you feel for them is insurmountable.

That you would lay your life down for them.

Yes that is what is being a mother is all about…here for the long haul through thick and through thin, to encourage, to help, to guide, to mentor, to love.. and truly…I am so happy to be a mum..happy to have these (now adult girls) who will always be ‘my babies’. Proud of their accomplishments and yes can acknowledge their failures or have doubts about how they live their lives. BUT still… seeing a part of me in them for better or worse and being individuals and simply just them being them makes me proud.

Yes they may take a wrong turn, make decisions you aren’t happy with but it’s all part of growing up and they are learning as you  continually do.

Embrace your role …I have…I will continue to do so…sometimes it’s difficult, sometimes you want to pull your hair out, sometimes you scream and rant and rave at things they have done…but they are your creation. They are part of you and for me, my 2 daughters are … well…. two human beings that I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever want not be in my life.

I am in awe of them..now and always.

Time to hang up the washing last of the old pics

My my I know what you’re saying “please no no no mooore, getting bored now, get over it, who are these people anyway?” but I’m not listening 😉 This is the last of the very old ones and then possibly it’s onto the hideous hairstyle of moi and non fashionable dressing (if you thought the button up cardi and skirt was a shocker) be afraid…be very afraid..

Now I know what you’re all thinking…why is she in overalls ….obviously mum only dressed me up for special ‘doos’.

then again I am playing with a toy car.. but how cute am I??? Huh Huh??? No… seriously

My Grandparents on their Wedding Day…doesn’t everyone look happy….

Ahh now they look happier!!

Dad in the middle in uniform…the guy on the end

wishing they had invented the GPS