Days change – Chat time

It’s 12:40am Monday morning.
This afternoon we had Mr.S’s kids and grandchildren over for a Christmas BBQ.
All was well till I received a phone call from J, K’s boyfriend, telling me that she was in
hospital and had had a seizure.

Thankfully I hadn’t consumed much alcohol, I drove the hour to the hospital, shaking and
wondering why, how?

When I arrived she was still in emergency, looking pale and very drowsy, hooked up to a saline drip.
J then told me what happened.

They called into see the penguins, as they pulled into the driveway, K looked at J rather strangely, then her body went rigid and her foot was still on the accelator, J had to pull her leg away, as the car was still going. Her eyes rolled back and she started ‘frothing’ and convulsing. This went on for some time. He raced from the car and started banging loudly on the door and screaming for help.
Mum and pop penguin ..finally came to the door, thinking it was kids playing a prank.

Just prior to the seizure, K said she felt like she was having a de ja vu type experience, which she also had the day before, this was possibly a warning sign.

J managed to get her out of the car, the ambulance was called. K was vomiting and vomited several times in the ambulance to the hospital.
Blood and urine samples taken, they were okay, but she showed low kidney function.
She then went for a CT scan, this came back clear, thankfully.

We stayed with her having two saline bags to get through and obtain the results till 11:15pm.

She told me she thought she was going to die, that she had never felt so scared. Her pulse was 140 when admitted and her BP 85/64 ..very low. She was hyperventilating in the ambulance.
She will now have an MRI scan done during the week and wait to see a Neurologist to see what or how this was caused.

The nurse did say it can happen due to great stress…

I massaged her head as she lay there, I felt hopeless as we all do, in times like this.
K has started taking medication for her BPD, so I queried the nurse and doctor if this could have caused it, they said no.

To see your ‘baby’ no matter what age they may be, frightened, is heartbreaking.
Because her body went so rigid, she now has thrown her back out too.

She is now home, I drove back in the silence of the summer night, window down, thinking how fragile life really is. How a day can change in an instant, but I thank the universe that she is still with us and hope that this is the first and last seizure she has.

x

Two worlds collide

Patterns are seen through my eyes
through yours, yet yours are different
They cascade like waterfalls, without
the kaleidoscope of colours
weaving through transparent drops

From darkness yours emerge, places that I
know not of, I do not feel your fear
I witness, the anger, bitterness
you who predicate you have drunk
from the poison liquid of my womb

Torn between these worlds
One I knew so well, now do not
Your world so black at times
To you I am the cause
do I know you any more?

The disdain of me or others
when your world closes in
Shall I blame you?
When the waterfall plunges to the
murky abyss, not a clear and soothing pool

Let the particles of the day fall
across my eyelids, when they finally
close tonight, so I may forget the day
To rest, cast off events, the
biting tongues, hatred glares

Let me find solace, in dreams that
may await, until a new morning
spreads it’s golden wings across
my window and hope a new
day brings us peace

copyright JMTacken 26.5.14

I remain your puppet (Prose)

If I focus on my environment
I hear glass shatter
never broken window panes
behind closed doors
off narrow hallways
silent hues of amber
and dark red
stain
the frailty of me
I remain

I could run
vanish from my sanctuary
desensitise encounters
but my mind a web
of gnarled branches
untenable
I remain

My path
a narrow road that bends
sharp against the
sheer rock face
edges crumble downwards
as do I
my fate solidified
hoarse voice that screams
no more
I remain

I stay secluded
I stay quiet
wait till voices pass
watch the woods
hold on to what I know is real
adults teach their children
what have I been taught
I remain

©jmtacken Jan 2014

~~~~~~~~~~

As my brain could only work once this evening I wrote the above which I share with Angela at – Visdare http://anonymouslegacy1.wordpress.com/2014/01/29/visdare-46-silhouette/#comments

and the team at DVerse OpenLinkNight of D’verse Poets Pub

always knock twice (Prose)

you knock once

knuckling the wood grain

I stand

chipped enamel scratches

unpainted floorboards

stub my cigarette

hard against the lacquered saucer

it’s mate broken years ago

                ~~

step slow to the door

head tilted view

through curtains of chiffon

to make sure it was you

its been months

since you were here

               ~~

perfumed gin hangs on my breath

I wont stand so close

you are here for just one reason

to take the kid to a circus

trying to make up for

times you never showed

you knock once more

patience

not your strong point

             ~~

“Alright” I yell

“Keep your shirt on”, slurred

I wonder if you’ll notice

my mind flashes back to

better times

how you looked without

a shirt

“Nathan”, I scream

“Your father’s here

Jesus,  are you ready?”

                ~~

I hear you shuffle from

your room, hair not brushed

mud caked jeans from yesterday

t shirt with the coca-cola stain

I forgot to spray

before I washed

“Crap, look at the state of you

can’t you dress in something clean

your dad ‘ill think I’m unfit to

look after you”

                 ~~

“This is what’s clean”

you murmur, head bowed

I long for another sip of gin

“You ready mate”, he asks

as if our yesterdays did not exist

“Perhaps a shopping trip along the way?”

you smile

arms around his shoulders

walking out the door

I watch the car pull away

reach for the bottle

forgetting any future

forgetting  every past

                 ~~

©jmtacken Jan 2014

Photo Credit: Flickr and jcoterhals

I couldn’t find a photo of a little boy with muddy jeans and T, but his little face was too adorable to pass up

and thank you to Brian Miller from WaystationOne for the poke here and there.

Sheer Wonder ~ of You (Prose)

protected cocooned

within soft fluid

I held you

dreaming dreams floating

circling in the space

you held your own

to do with as you pleased

attached only by umbilical

gravity unknown

no centre universe

attracting you to earth

content to linger

till your time came

my hand held across my belly

felt you squirm and roll

punch and kick

watching as my skin popped

a visible sign of you

and there you were

through pain and squirming

of my own

bringing you to the world

saying my first hello

cradling you in my arms

kissing every inch of you

I will protect you

I  can’t cocoon you

I would give my life to save yours

my sheer wonder

my girl/s

©jmtacken Jan 26th 2014

Daughter # 2 Kayla

Daughter # 1 Beck and her husband Eug

Shared with –

mindlovemisery.wordpress.com  Prompt 40

Writing anything on – Sheer Wonder

remember how I love you (Prose)

when your eyes close for the last time
you know how much I love you?
will you see the family gathered
singing Czech and German songs

~ the songs you love?
will you hear my words ~ ‘love you always’
as I kiss your forehead tenderly
before closing your front door?

will you know your time has come
wanting those you love to hold your hand
to tell you please don’t go?
for we are just as frightened losing you
as you are of losing us

I want to ~ I want to not let a day or night go by
before you know
but this asks the impossible
as I cannot be there, live in your house, be by your side
as much as I wish ~ I wish

I have guilt when I can’t be ~
guilt that I am not near you
constantly
sleepless nights, dreams ~ nay nightmares
tears shed in daylight and in darkness

if I receive a call saying you passed
and I was not there by your side
holding your hand
telling you not to be afraid
how can I face myself?

do you welcome death?
have you had enough of this life
long to see the next?
are you torn with staying with those you love
and the need to escape
to stop your suffering?

how each minute of the day goes passed
when I do not think of anything else
than to be with you, when your time comes
not be out shopping or doing chores
but hugging you ~ saying it’s ok you can sleep now

we all must face this ~ to lose those whom we love
our hearts not scraped, but torn in two
will life flash before your eyes?
when you close them for the final time?
will you know how much I love you?

it’s too hard to comprehend
the time that you won’t be here
the time I can’t hug you close, help you ~ be near
the time that I no longer say ‘love you always’
and kiss you tenderly
but know this ~ remember this ~ I do and always will

©jmtacken Jan 2014

Tell those you love that you love them. Not tomorrow or the next but now. Show them that you do, hug them, kiss them, hold their hand. Tell them you will miss them. Tell them how much they mean to you and how much they are loved and why you are grateful they are who they are…for none of us know when the time may come when we unable to do any of this…

Just thinking tonight of what is to be…and though it may not be for some time (I can only hope) … we need to remember how life is so precious, how those we love aren’t always told enough. They are us, we are them… show them that you love them.

Crosswords (Prose)

several scotches make my brain swirl

and I bleed,  not blood poured out from veins

but the spillage of a bond between a parent and her child

the insults, the doubts of a child,  who thinks I’ve done her wrong

cut me to the core, I wonder of her upbringing and what I have done to cause….

to make her feel this way and yet I cry the tears of mammoths as words spill from my heart

the indecisiveness of words said, of gestures that have been harsh, the solution not being reached

and in this moment, this now, when a discussion has been ceased, the words of a mother to the one she

loves don’t mean a thing

 

©jmtacken 21/11/2013

Breath (Prose)

whilst we waste our
b
r
e
a
t
h
the meal ordered took too long
someone takes their
l
a
s
t
cut down ~ bloodied holes that pierced
the skin or sliced with steel paper thin
he refused to carry weapons
his crime? wrong place ~ wrong time

on a cold and stony road she
lies gasping for her final breath
hit by one who drank ~ who swore he
didn’t see her car, she wore no safety belt

alone in an empty lane ~ forgotten old
feeble, slouched on cold brick walls
his organs failing from abuse
his begging plea no longer heard

he’s old he hears them whisper
~ had a good innings, he hears them say
as he lies on starch white sheets
his maker to carry him away

and someone is breathing their
f
i
r
s
t
on crackly sheets, fluorescent lights
mother breathing ~ child’s head crowned
silent moments, body held, gasp of air
cries of joy, as her baby enters the world

the trip to hospital so far away
traffic bad, anxious, panting, blowing air
can’t wait, it’s now, it’s coming now
the car not quite a manger but ~ matters how?

toiling hard under summer sun
no doctors on this round
she squats and helps deliver
her new son upon the ground

by an empty lane alone she grabs
her tummy, pain is real, she’s scared
she’s young, as water pools around her feet
crouches screaming till her baby breathes

so with every breath you take
try not to use it too complain
for breath AS LIFE ~ A PRECIOUS thing
a commodity we shouldn’t waste

©jmtacken October 3 2013

Please Sir a little more Sir (Prose)

throw me a coin ma lord
just to help me feed ma young
I won’t throw to the likes of you
to me you are but scum

I have 2 children Sir at hom’
who are screamin’ to be fed
I ask for your indulgence
a coin is all I beg

be off with you, I’ll show no mercy
street corners where you lay
hand outstretched to anyone
find I job I say

I lay on these street corners Sir
for I was kicked out of me hom’
me husbund’ threw his hand to me
I was never safe alone

don’t be in court an judge me
for you do not know my life
I’m a lovin muther and
I was a devoted wife

but circumstance be as they may
have seen me take this road
so you can not think ill of me
for who are you to know

the life I’ve led and what I’ve seen
with a man that once did love me
now  coms’ home drunk every night
and treats all of us so cruely

‘ere then woman take this, seek shelter
where you can, feed your young
run far and wide, get away from
this cruel man

thank you Sir, most graciously
I debt I can’t repay
but you’ll be in my prayers tonight
and every other day

©jmtacken Sep 2013

Just to round off the day – night all.

Don’t grow up (Prose)

Photo credit:    feminactivedivas.wordpress.com

how old do you wish to be
patiently you sit, make up artist at your side
brushes in hand, her mind elsewhere as she turns
your lips to hooker red and accentuates your eyes

hair in a chignon, split dress to show a thigh
heels that hang off baby feet ~ that are yet to grow
allure, seductive poses, do NOT indulge the pedophile
who scours the internet searching for his prey
as he sits and dribbles, smearing blood red lips away

with every stroke, with every pose, the click of the lens
turn this way, pout your lips, cross your legs

PLEASE DON’T

is it for recognition, the fuss that’s made
or are parents pushing in the wings for the

riches offering , as you surrender childhood
not understanding what this means
in time you will grow old, my lovely child
wrinkles under eyes, on cheeks, on hands
but for now hold on to that young girl
and the skipping rope, while you can

this is not the attention that you seek
Please grow old with grace ~ for a childhood young
and innocent, can never be replaced

©jmtacken Sep 2013

For   dVerse | Poets Pub and Open Link Night hosted by the lovely Grace. I ask you to read – to join in on whatever subject you may choose.