Christmas countdown

Less than 7 weeks till Christmas.
There I said it.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news..
Are you organised?

Have you
started dragging your bottom around the shops for those must grab bargains, or are you already that organised that you have been purchasing since last year when the sales started?
do you know where you are having your Christmas Day lunch or dinner, if not in a home, have you booked the venue?
have you decided what egg nog recipe you are using?
have you started scouring recipe books for ideas(come on live a little) or sticking to old favourites?
have you bought any ingredients in preparation for the big day?
have you dragged out and dusted off the plastic Christmas tree and checked all the branches are in tact?
have you organised the buying of your real tree?
have you checked your decorations to make sure the ‘hangy up thingies’ are not broken?
have you gone to your local liquor store and purchased the assortment of drinks required from bottom to top shelf for the relatives who like a wee drop?
have you looked at your tablecloths to ensure there are no last year wine stains?
have you purchased and frozen all the boxes of extra custard you will need, knowing the supermarkets will have run out?
have you checked your Christmas music, knowing the 1980’s chipmunk CD just doesnt cut it any more?
have you pulled out your tangled Christmas lights making sure all bulbs work?
have you bought your Bon bons with the paper hats, jokes and must have plastic toys inside?
have you bought your Christmas candles?
have you bought your Christmas napkins/serviettes?
have you got enough left over Christmas wrapping that’s not crinkled in the back of your cupboard and need more?
have you enough sticky tape to wrap your presents?
have you enough Christmas present tags to put on your presents?
have you purchased your Christmas earrings, ties, t shirts from the $2.00 shop?
have you bought your Christmas cards ready to send out?
have you started your Christmas pudding?
have you written your Christmas wish list?
and most importantly….
have you bought your car antlers?

No? then best hop to it, the clock is ticking.

Merry Christmas to you and to all Goodnight

Best singing voices everyone – to be sung to Away in A Manger…but not the words in brackets..

Christmas in Australia (Down Under)

is just round the bend (tee hee tomorrow)

I have prepped and stressed out  (no I haven’t this year it’s at Sister -in-laws)

and now hope this will end

~~~~

We shall have our nibbilies

when they first walk in the door (no her door)

then we’ll offer them a drink 

one or two or maybe more

~~~

We shall sit at the table and crack

our bon-bons plastic toys and

paper hats and will look

like proper nongs ( Aussie for idiot)

~~~

I’ll stress ’bout the turkey and also the pork (not this year)

is it cooked properly through

is it done right? Yes I query

please test with your fork

~~~

I’ll consume too much alcohol (a given)

I know this to be true

and I’ll get all melancholy

just gazing at you (bleary eyed)

~~~

the entree will come first

do not know what they’ll bring (I’m bringing 3kgs of prawns with home made Sate sauce & lots of garlic)

I’m sure it’ll be delightful

and we’ll gladly tuck in

~~~

the spuds will be crunchy

the pumpkin cooked just right

the mushy peas and salads

tasty morsels every bite

~~~

Then we have our pudding

lashings of custard if you please

then there’s trifle laced with alcohol ( a given again)

oh our belts will surely squeeze

~~~

The wine will flow freely

the laughs will get loud

there’ll be memories of

past years and how we imbibed

~~~

The presents will we open we

will goo and we will will gaa

we shall say oh you shouldn’t have (eyes rolling)

you really went too far

~~~

BUT secretly we are happy

for the presents that they gave

we’re delighted and thankful

and ‘each one’ is our fave

~~~

The Carols will be playing

in the background soft and sweet

we shall eat drink and be merry

and later fall asleep (some quicker than others)

~~~

Yes,  this day is for families

and ones that you love

if I start to get teary

I will blame the egg-nog (have to blame something)

~~~

The festivities will be finished

the kitchen is a mess (well hers will be)

the dishes piled up high

but at least no more stress

~~~

Then Christmas day is over and

our tummies will be full and we

daren’t go and weigh ourselves

no that would be cruel

~~~

So enjoy your celebrations

whatever you may do have

and cry or laugh hysterically

for you’re entitled too 

©jmtacken 2013

I cheated – this is what I wrote last year..it’s a bit…hmmm…unless of course you sang (okay it’s still hmmm) and I added a few bits as I am not holding Christmas this year (PHEW) but as I have another Service to write ~ well I’m taking the easy way out.

Seriously though ~ how do I thank you? All of you, for your kind words, your critique, your encouragement, your care, your support. I have been on WP since July last year, last December I had posted 69 posts..up to this one 712… yes ~ that is why I called my site Ramblings.

Again seriously, this Mums from ‘Down Under’ is grateful that I have met you and developed friendships. We lost another fellow WP in October and she will be sorely missed. I will miss her, those who knew her will miss her.  Everyone (no matter how corny or trite you may think this sounds) is part of a family on here. We share, we cry, we give, we take, we laugh, encourage, we are humble, we boast…sounds like a family to me.

So from me to you all, I wish each and every one of you a beautiful Christmas. Mine of course is tomorrow, so I shall have a full stomach before you even start on yours. Ours will be in 31 deg heat…yours…hmm not so much.

May you all continue to write, continue to support each other and be there for one another ~ the good – the bad and the ugly. 

and like ‘Arnie’…. “I’ll be back”

Love ya’ faces

xxx

Take Care everyone, stay safe and may your Christmas Day be filled with wonderment, joy and mostly love.

To return – only to escape (Prose)

the door prizes open, no knock or key required

no permission needed to go inside

sweet goodness

chocolate the significant

in her children’s world

memories of her childhood

a mother’s offering

frozen mornings, bleary eyed as they rise

as she sits,  the porcelain cup of her sweet

goodness held gently in her hands

unnoticed pool of tears

they the most important, yet she daydreams

the Mock Turtle on her wooden kitchen chair

presents not forthcoming the day the last door opens

she struggles

perhaps the rabbit hole, escape

her door to fantasy

gifts under sweet smelling pine

as it use to be

©jmtacken Dec 2013

I have decided to encompass both suggestions – and I hope it works. Advent Calendar leads the way….

For dVerse The Callenge from Claudia       so… it’s your choice… you can either write a pre-christmas Advent poem… preparation… tradition…decoration… share your Advent story with us or even give the christmas decoration a voice

or… write an Alice in Wonderland poem… about her, one of the characters or in the style of it.. off-beat conversations.. poems which tell a wondrous story… let’s fly a bit… smiles

My Christmas & Boxing Day

Well it’s done, complete, finished,  adios to yet another Christmas.

Christmas Day left as quickly as it arrived.

Everyone wished everyone a joyful, wonderful Christmas and it was all warm and fuzzy and heart felt.

No one said “Have a stress free day – hope it goes well.”

The stress (yes I stress) and what about you may ask?

You didn’t?

Well, I shall tell you anyway, my family are use to me stressing, in fact I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t…hell it wouldn’t be Christmas if I didn’t.

It can over something as menial as burning the potatoes  (which I did) or burning the extra stuffing (which I did) or putting way too much alcohol in the egg-nog (which I did) that you couldn’t take a sip near a naked flame.

Then of course due to the above mentioned yours truly had a mini (ok a large) hissy fit in the kitchen…where I spewed forth many naughty words – perhaps I had sampled too much of the nog before the family arrived?

“It will be ok mum, you have so much food, we can just cut the burnt bits off” said daughter # 1

“It’s not the *bleep* point – I wanted everything to be perfect and I stuffed it up”, I hissed back.

Enter martyr Jen..

“I worked all yesterday and this morning so it all WOULD be right and now look at it”.

“It’s fine, relax”, rolled eyes from daughter #2.

Another family member started to intrude my space walk into the kitchen.

“U-Turn – U-Turn – Enter at own risk”, daughter # 1 said.

Ugh there was more than enough food, as usual I over catered and we still have probably 5 kg of meat in the fridge, copious left over salads, pumpkin, half cut spuds, pudding, trifle…the list goes on and on.

We have so many drinks left we could open our own bottle shop.

We have jars of lollies (yes I keep going and eating them) and bags of nuts.

We (ok I) so want everything to run like clock work for the timing of the meats to be just right (turkey in the BBQ) pork in the oven and the ham to be thinly sliced.

The table was set perfectly (because I fussed for over an hour folding the bloody linen napkins) there were candles of pine and strawberry burning (I know strawberry isn’t Christmassy but that’s all they had left).

Decorations hung (tinsel and knitted stockings and rather ghastly Santa hats) and Carols and Michael Bubbles singing his Christmas ditties.

The entrée was magnificent (compliments of sister-in-law) and the sweets equally so (compliments of daughter #1 and Mr. S’s mum).

We ate…and ate..and ate some more till my stomach was so distended I couldn’t breathe.  Why do we do this? We (I) don’t feel the need to gorge myself at other times of the year (ok maybe a couple). Christmas Day brings out the inner Alien wanting to be fed..give me more dammit…I want more!

My darling dad sat on the couch and started to nod off a couple of times (yes he sampled some nog) and everyone chatted and moaned about how full they were.

The family then departed by about 6pm – into the T shirt and track pants – ah I can breathe once more.

The kitchen was declared a disaster area but Mr. S was the Knight in Shining Armour and came to the rescue, washing the pots and pans, packing the dishwasher, putting the empty bottles out, collecting up the mess.

I then went on the computer to help for C4C but I think I mucked it up badly as I was so tired I had no idea what I was doing :-(.

Today Boxing Day over to Mr. S’s family for yes you guessed it more food! Surely this stomach cannot hold anymore (or had it stretched from yesterday) ..yes apparently it had and so I did.

Now I sit writing (ok typing) with the thought of all that food in the fridge… shall I go near it? No not I… not for at least an hour or two anyway. Nope it’s back to the diet (if I can stay away from the lolly jars) and step up the exercise regime…thank God (can I say that) that this only happens once a year!

 

So do tell me about your Christmas Day – did you eat too much or throw a hissy fit?

 

Credit pic – http://in.reuters.com

 

Credit pic www.ontariofamilylawblog.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Merry Christmas to you all…and to all a goodnight :-) xx

Credit pic essentialbaby.com.au

Best singing voices everyone – to be sung to Away in A Manger

Christmas in Australia

is just round the bend

I have prepped and stressed out

and now hope this will end

~~~~

We shall have our nibbilies

when they first walk in the door

then we’ll offer them a drink

one or two or maybe more

~~~

We shall sit at the table and crack

our bon-bons plastic toys and

paper hats silly jokes and

lot’s of noise

~~~

I’ll stress ’bout the turkey and also the pork

is it cooked through

is it done right

please test with your fork

~~~

I’ll consume too much alcohol

I know this to be true

and I’ll get all melancholy

just looking at you

~~~

the entree will come first

do not know what they’ll bring

I’m sure it’ll be delightful

and we’ll gladly tuck in

~~~

the potatoes will be crunchy

the pumpkin cooked just right

the mushy peas and salads

tasty morsels every bite

~~~

Then we have our pudding

lashings of custard if you please

then there’s trifle laced with alcohol

oh our belts will surely squeeze

~~~

The wine will flow freely

the laughs will get loud

there’ll be memories of

past years and how we imbibed

~~~

The presents will we open we

will goo and we will will gaa

we shall say oh you shouldn’t have

you really went too far

~~~

BUT secretly we are happy

for the presents that they gave

we’re delighted and thankful

and each one is our fave

~~~

The Carols will be playing

in the background soft and sweet

we shall eat drink and be merry

and later fall asleep

~~~

Yes this day is for families

and ones that you love

if I start to get teary

I will blame the egg-nog

~~~

The festivities will be finished

the kitchen is a mess

the dishes piled up high

but at least no more stress

~~~

Then Christmas day is over and

our tummies will be full and we

daren’t go and weigh ourselves

no that would be cruel

~~~

So enjoy your celebrations

whatever you may do have

and cry or laugh hysterically

for you’re entitled too

Credit pic 123rf

I wish a very MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of my Followers and readers.

Some of you have been with me since I began this journey, others who are new to my ramblings.

To all that have pressed LIKE, to all of you that have VISITED and SUPPORTED me on this wild ride of prolific writing (I don’t….do I?) when I first began in July. I had no idea when a friend of mine said  “You like writing so much why don’t you start your own blog site”.  I also had no idea that I would have an audience ..in fact any audience (I know it’s tiny compared to some, but more than I ever thought I would have). So to those that have made that possible  – I thank you.

For those that may check their Stats (hands up I know you do).

July 21 visits and 7 posts.

August 117 visits and 14 posts.

September 830 visits and 33 posts.

October 1,206 visits and 34 posts.

November 1,032 visits and 24 posts.

December 1,851 visits and 69 posts…. I did mention I was a prolific writer (went on a bit) did I not?

Good grief that means I have passed the 5000th visitor  –  Sings – “Celebrate Good Times…Come On”!

Seriously-

I have made friends on here, (sorry if that sounds cliche), but it is the truth….virtual though they are (for most of you).

I have read some amazing stories and equally some outstanding poetry.

I have giggled, cursed, empathised, rolled my eyes, blushed and shed a tear through laughter or sorrow. I have seen amazing photography,  I have witnessed people’s lives through their words and discovered truly talented and heart warming people.

So diverse the writers on here with so many stories yet told.

To those that I follow – I hope that I have been supportive and shown that I do care about what you write and grant me the sanity to continue 🙂

Tomorrow will be a hectic one… but when the family has left and the rooms are quiet, I shall be back on here helping RoS for C4C along with many others who have volunteered some time to help those that are alone and want to reach out to someone to hopefully bring them a little cheer… now that’s what Christmas is ALL ABOUT. 🙂

Take Care everyone, stay safe and may your Christmas Day be filled with wonderment, joy and mostly love.

Let’s see how long I will stay away for..knowing me..not long at all 🙂

Thank you

Ramblings

Making a List and Checking it Twice & the list includes C4C

FOOD:

3.6kg Pork Shoulder for cooking in BBQ – Check,  5kg Turkey for the Oven – Check,  4kg Ham – cold – Check

Milk, butter, cranberry sauce, flour, basil, parsley, pancetta, bread, onions, cream, eggs, nutmeg, potatoes, pumpkin, peas, chicken stock, pine nuts, bread.

DRINKS:

2 bottles strawberry champagne, 2 bottles white, 4 bottles red, 3 bottles spirits – 1 for egg nog. Lemonade, flavoured mineral water, fruit juices.

EXTRAS:

New white tablecloths x 2, new red cloth napkins x 12, chocolates as centre piece in middle of napkin (as I had to fold them into a flower – which may I say took forever!). Set of new wine glasses, set of new glass tumblers, glasses to put Christmas decorations in for table, candles red, green and white. New jug for egg nog.

I am sure there will be something I have forgotten. How many lists have you made, how many times have you checked them and how many times have you forgotten things?

The tables have already been set here – 1 job done, the meats are in the fridge, the bags of ice for the drinks in the freezer, the ice-cube trays filled in the freezer. Tomorrow we vacuum the floors and wash the floors, we clean the toilet (probably not for the last time). We move some furniture for easier access for our elderly parents. We wash the front step, we clean out on the deck (just in case someone wants to go outside). We have dusted the wooden venetians inside, we have trimmed the ferns, mowed the lawn, did the weeding, empty bins (recycled and rubbish).

We have cleaned showers and vanity basins. Tomorrow I make the egg-nog, tomorrow I make the stuffing for the turkey. Tomorrow I go through every on the lists and make sure that I have everything….

It’s relaxation leading up to Christmas Day isn’t it??

On a more Serious Note:

To close,  I had reposted previously from ruleofstupid  – in case any of you have not seen this please read the below and see if you can help, you would have to let Mr. Panda know straight away if you can volunteer any of your time on Christmas Day for this worthy cause.

C4C is an idea from a blogger (ruleofstupid). RoS used to work with people separated from families, and they always struggled most around Christmas time. Being alone is much harder when all the seasonal TV and media push the image of happy families and picture postcard lives, however unrealistic a lot of it may be. People often feel like everyone is happy and together, so who wants to hear someone being unhappy?! It can be hard to reach out. So RoS started this Blog, to see if maybe some fellow bloggers would be there to talk to around Christmas for others who are separated from loved ones.

So yes, even though I have all the trimmings and the food and the creature comforts,and privileged to have my family around me on Christmas Day, others are not so privileged.

Some people do not have ones that love them or indeed care for them. Some will sit in a lonely place and hope for someone, anyone to hear their small cry for help, for some attention and for some much needed Christmas love.

Perhaps they are widow’s or widowers, or from a family torn apart, for whatever the reason being lonely is terrible enough, but being lonely at Christmas is heart breaking.

We all will be busy and run off our feet on Christmas Day, but perhaps you can devote a little time to this cause?

I will be.

Remember whilst you are having this….

Credit pic -http://www.guardian.co.uk

Others are having this…

“The psychological impact of having nobody to talk to or express concern about you is bad enough. But what has also had a profound impact on us is the medical research which shows loneliness has a major impact on physical health too. Credit Pic thetimes.co.uk

Thank you

Ramblings

180th Post

What irritates me # 3

December has certainly been a busy month for me – no not work – well the first few weeks of it – but I have blogged away merrily every day sometimes 7 a day.. with what you say?

 

Just stuff 🙂

This is another example – Pull up a comfy chair…

The other day I made the extremely brave move and went head first into modern technology and bought an IPhone 5. Now I am the kinda gal who was reasonably happy with her tiny button Nokia E71 even though I had to hold the phone at a distance so I could actually read the thumbnail size keys,  till the battery started dying on me.

Then it was a case of “Really why don’t you get an IPhone?” “Coz I don’t really need one that’s why”. “But there are so many apps you can have on them”. “Apps, Schnapps – why do I want an App that tells me what noises I make during my sleep, or how I’m going to look in 40 years from now – coz I won’t be here”. “Really mum…”

Ahh technology grabs us sooner or later and we are  forced cohersed into having the latest gadgetry , so yes I sucummbed. However this is not with this post is about…or is it?

Instead of walking into our the Mobile telephone dealer shop and standing around in a queue  for 20 minutes then going through the rigamarole of paperwork for an hour, I rang up the Telco. Mind you the staff of this Telco (like many others in Australia) have been transported have had their jobs made redundant and Sales and Customer Service  are moved to other countries.

I’m not naming which country, in case I offend anyone.

Anywhoo 3 hours later and 6 different departments and being hung up twice, it was ordered. They were advertising order by the 18th get it before Christmas. I ordered on the 18th and had one hell of time trying to actually receive by Christmas. “Oh no Miss Jenny the paperwork will take 5 – 10 working days”.

Not on the add.

Needless to say there was a considerable amount of fluffing around, annoyance (on my part) and frustration. This morning I received a text you phone will delivered to the local Post Office. Wonderful you say… no then she tells me I need the letter with the special bar code in order to pick that up and that will take yes 3-5 working days.

Not on the add or told to me during the ‘lengthy’ conversation.

So how does one get said phone BEFORE Christmas if I can’t pick it up until I get this letter (I was quite ummm irrate by this stage).

Hang on Miss Jenny.

Right then another 20 minutes…. could do my nails..

“Ok Miss Jenny – we will fax the letter to the Telco store, you pick that up (as if that is easy with Christmas shoppers in manic numbers) then you take that to the Post Office and you can collect”.

“Right” Miss Jenny said.

Sure enough within the hour the text came that the notification had been faxed to the Telco shop..off Mr. S and I went to collect (and had to do some more Xmas shopping of course) my idea not his.

Then onto the post office.

GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!

I walked in at 4.35pm. I walked out with phone at 5.10pm.

The idiot gentleman, I swear did not not know the computer system, 3 different forms of ID to collect said phone, which I had but he wouldn’t listen to me.

This went on…and on…and on…and on. I was losing it big time!

At 5.10 I walked out with my new technology under arm (after having to buy a cable to download all information off old phone into computer) so I could retrieve and put onto new phone (if it works that is).

I love technology…. I love Christmas……

Photo Credit http://assets.ccartoday.com

 

 

What more do we want in life?

After a wine or two

Yes I put this as a Category and sometimes I have written after I have imbibed in the demon drink alcoholic beverage.

This evening, yes it is night in my part of the world – its 11.59pm  and ‘my bad’ as I have imbibed.

So forgive me with whatever I manage to type and also forgive any typing errors (though I will do a spell check if I can make sense of the red underlined words) and what springs forth from my brain, for I am not writing consciously  – from the words of someone we all know – ‘for they know not what they do’..in this case I am the ‘they’. Are you confused yet … I am.

EVERYONE has mentioned in one blog or another that Christmas makes them melancholy, think of their life thus far, think of the future..what could have been ..what is to come, or why this time of year makes us reflect on situations more than before.

How overwhelming are our lives? What do we set out to accomplish? We are born..we live…we die, but sometimes this is questioned because we feel there must be something more? Do we appreciated the lives we have?  Are we happy with our mere existence? Should we do more for others than what we perceive is enough?

Let’s face it – none of us want to die. We are happy where we are and to a degree who we are.

BUT do you ever get the ‘there must be something more than this’ thought?

Do we wish to accomplish greater things? Or perhaps we want to leave the world knowing that we have done something spectacular, to be remembered by, to make a difference. Or do we feel like running away?

Is it a matter of I haven’t accomplished a great deal, there are things I need to do, I feel lost, I feel that there has to be more to my life than what I am doing or have done till now.

I think most of my followers are younger than I (or that is the impression I have) and I wonder if they feel as I do now.

I could prattle on till the cows come home (expression) and I wrote this thinking …my life, this is all I have…can I go to my grave knowing that I should have given more..accomplished more.  Is that only for self gratification?

As one gets older as I am doing, these thoughts occur to me more and more. I do not know how much time I have, no one knows, our time on this planet is limited, we cannot turn back the clock.

We are simply beings in a Universe that live our lives day to day, whether we accomplish what we want or are gratified by our mere existence is up to us as individuals.

To make a mark, so that others know you existed ..is that what this post is about? As an example –  writing posts, shall these be remembered in years to come? I think not. I shall be remembered when I am no longer breathing air as a mother, one who tried her utmost to provide, to console, to advise, to love her children. I shall hopefully be remembered by Mr. S and by my family and friends as someone they could rely upon, who brought them laughter, who could write, who was always there for them.

Surely this should be enough? It’s raining outside, through my window I hear the drops hit the pebbles on the ground, it is late,  I am tired and have rambled on enough..Good night to those that have read.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2230 – Gadgets for my dream home

I thank once again Mr. P http://ruleofstupid.wordpress.com  for this inspiration.

For those that are sick of seeing my posts – I was described by http://thesenseofajourney.com the beautiful Gabriela in her last post as a prolific writer (She kindly dedicated some very kinds words about me and others). So I shan’t make apologies for writing so many, for this is me – ramblingsfromamum, mumsy or rambly…whatever you wish to call me (as long as it is nice) this is what you can expect of me.

No doubt some of these already exist – these were off the top of my head.

• A super oven – it’s cooked and basted to perfection within 5 minutes.
• A robot vacuum cleaner.
• A self-cleaning toilet, shower & bath.
• A device to self weed the garden and another to mow the lawns.
• A cupboard – hang an un-ironed shirt in – 2 minutes later it’s pressed.
• A dishwasher that packs and un-packs itself.
• No more battery required devices.
• A stove that automatically turns itself off once the meal is cooked.
• A shopping trolley that actually goes where you want it to (ok not for home but I had to include this).
• A device with the flick of a switch the song that you keep singing in your head is played in the room you are in.
• A  human tele porter system so you don’t have to find the car keys, open the garage, drive the car, park the car to do the shopping.
• A personal force field which you can set off if faced with any unsuspecting danger (people or spiders).
• A hat that I would wear for 5 minutes that would allow me to remember everything from the previous day (week/month/year?)

Really – a wand – that’s all I need a magical wand from Harry Potter where I could wave and make everything happen.

From dusting to hanging up the washing.

Where I can waft it over cupboards and all those pesky plastic containers are neatly packed.

A wand that would assemble the Christmas tree in all it’s glory baubles and all and then dismantle itself.

A wand that did all the mundane chores would simply be the only instrument I would need.

So that kindly folk is my list. I am sure there are so many others – but my brain is tired.

credit wikia & Google

20 Things not to give your Wife for Christmas

I was struggling …lost for words… (I know you are shaking your heads…how could I ever be at a loss for words)

Hmm  http://ruleofstupid.wordpress.com  an amazing talented writing Panda (though he is meant to be Fierce – don’t believe him – oh and if you haven’t done already please sign up for C4C details are on his site) gave me the idea for this post…though I have enlarged it a tad as I was on a roll..so bare with me.

How keen am I to ask for suggestions? I am still asking if anyone is interested. How dedicated am I for I only rose from my slumber 45 mins ago and I’m already at the keyboard (yes I do have a life and I am in my sexy lingerie  dressing gown with just some free time on my hands).

ANYHOO let’s begin shall we or you will get so bored with my introduction to this post you’ll be yelling “next” and moving onto the next person.

20 Things Not To Buy Your Wife/Girlfriend/Significant Other For Christmas 

• A cordless drill – NO – that is your job to screw in those few planks of wood on the decking – she just had a manicure, which cost you money, do you really want to ruin that?

• A double Season pass to UFC (cage fighting) or any other kind of sport ? which involves knocking someone else’s brains out – NO – she’s not in the least bit interested as much as she supports lies to you about your stupid love for it.

• A subscription to Wheels Magazine –  NO – come on I mean really?  Do you honestly think she wants to know the F1 ratings, how much torque there is in the latest Mercedes, or the family wagon that’s faster than a Ferrari? I think not.

• Jewellery from Kleins – NO – how very dare you! I love you so much honey that I bought you these imitation diamond (but look how big they are) stud earrings for you. 

• Telescope – NO – the only stars she wants to see are Movie types – she doesn’t want to spend her valuable time gazing up the to heavens or seeing Uranus.

• Camping Gear – NO not unless said camping gear comes along with a Queen size bed, a kitchen, an inside toilet,  shower oh and a jacuzzi .

• A hedge trimmer – NO – not unless you are trying to tell her something?

• Membership to Weight Watchers or the Gym – NO NO NO – what are you thinking man?  “But sweety you are always telling me you needed to lose a few pounds”?

• Tea Towels – NO – can you see the expression on her face when she opens the beautifully soft and squishy present thinking it’s the dress she purposely pointed out to you when you both went shopping last week? 

• Lingerie or Underwear – NO – NOT unless you know her size. You give a double D bra when she’s a 32A – that’s just asking for trouble. You give her a sexy lace camisole and knickers set in a size 6 not knowing she’s a 12???

• Set of 6 matching Stubby Holders – NO – She’s wishing you would be civilised and drink from a glass for a change, seriously what use does she have for these??

• Book Housekeeping for Dummies – NO – She knows you hate housework and are useless helping around the house..this would just confirm it.

• Mop and Bucket – NO – it’s ..it’s I have no words.

• No to vegetable peelers with matching apple corers
• No to a spice rack.
• No to a whizz bang can opener.
• No to a potato masher.
• No to foil/cling wrap dispenser.
• No to a Vacuum Cleaner
• No to an invitation to go to an AA meeting

No men-folk it’s an easy task. You just have to think a little more…..