Thank You

For all your kindness and lovely comments.
I would do a general thank you post, but as I am so tired..or over tired right now, I can’t comment individually to you all. So I hope you can forgive me.

As I look at the time, I have been awake now 36 hours.
I didn’t sleep the rest of the morning. Every time my eyes closed, tears fell, or I felt my heart start beating faster. Just watching K asleep, hoping, praying that she wouldn’t experience another seizure.

When my eyes stayed closed for longer than a minute, I had flashbacks of her face when I saw her convulsing. I can’t get this out of my head now.
In the wee hours a Neuro doctor came in and tested her reflexes, asked her questions.
At around 2pm another Registrar and students came in, same questions. At 3pm the Neurology doctor attended with the Registrar, asking the same questions.

Then the confirmed diagnosis of Epilepsy and ordered tablets. 400mg per day for the first week, then 800mg per day thereafter.

It is now 8pm as I write. We left the hospital after K started to get a little more than agitated from lying in a noisy room for so long. They were wanting to admit her for overnight at first, but then said she could leave. I drove her back to her place with J following behind.

For those of you with children, remember that first drive home with your new baby from the Hospital, when a speed bump was taken so carefully, when corners were taken slowly?

This is how I was with K in the passenger seat, so frightened that I may set off another seizure.

She is now asleep, her body and mind exhausted. I cannot.
I will have to take a tablet to knock me out. I went and had a shower and cried my heart out under the water, seeing her face over and over. I know I’m exhausted, I know tomorrow I won’t feel as I do now, that I won’t picture her tormented body.

I hope this medication stops them, though there is no guarantee. Could be trial and error.Once again, thank you, all of you for your support through this, I am so very grateful.

PS. Thank you to all who have read and commented on some previous posts. I have been neglecting my answers to you…believe me, I THANK YOU xx

Helping out of Love (Prose)

Mum

looking upon another’s life
who gives us~ their young
their offspring, the knowledge
to determine what is wrong
and what is right ~ the ethical
are we the deciders of their destiny
who see a life that could be ~ when
the person themselves does not seek
the truth or understand our love
the signs of something horrible to come

the disease that strikes upon
the aged, the memory no longer there
the feeling that they are caged
I want to help, we all do, but your
phone call tonight, your voice so
scared and angry, the thought of
locking you away
combined with other arguments
I felt your fear, it grasped my heart
~ and I…I don’t know what to say

and as you hung up on me
I can’t call you back to say
I am dealing with so much right now
I know you are confused and why
the family do what they need to do
but believe me with all my heart
it’s help we seek, to get you through
if only I could convince you…
if only I could say

I do this out of love for you
today and everyday

©jmtacken 21/11/2013

A request to my readers

Hello everyone,

This is something I haven’t done before, nor do I intend making a habit of it.
I am putting it out there (for my daughter) as she has signed up over here in Australia for Liptember.
Please see the details below. We SHE would greatly appreciate it, if any one would care to donate anything (large or small) for this cause.

I thank you in advance on behalf of Women’s Mental Health and my daughter #2 who no doubt will be wearing zany colours throughout the month of September!

Psst: If you let me know if you contribute – I shall put your site up on a special thank you blog.
AND my daughter will also thank you.
Mumsy

Hi All,

I have registered for Liptember – Please sponsor me or donate to the cause! Please go to the attached link- thank you SO MUCH!!! 🙂

https://www.liptember.com.au/kayla.tacken

Liptember is committed to raising funds and awareness for gender specific mental health issues for women.

Through a fun, fresh and engaging campaign, Liptember encourages women to openly communicate and familiarise themselves with gender specific mental health issues.

Please share and join to help raise money and awareness for Women’s Mental Health.

The rules are simple. A month is all it takes. Women participating in Liptember must wear the lipstick throughout September at work and when out and about.

Go to the web page: http://www.liptember.com.au/ to see full details.

 

 

Why Mental Health?

• There is little gender specific mental health research applied to women
• More focus needs to be placed on treating men and women separately when it comes to mental health
• Suicide is the biggest single cause of death for Australian women aged 18 to 34
• One in three Australian women will suffer depression or anxiety during their lifetime
• Women are more susceptible to anxiety and depression than men
• Post natal depression affects 15% of women within the first year after childbirth

A mother cries goodbye

[youtube.com/watch?v=6-x-m9-K6Bo]

My fingers wrap around your wrinkly hands

vision blurred, as my eyes well with tears

my lips touch velvet; your soft brown hair

and I do this ov’ and over again

in the short time that we have

rocking gave us comfort cradling you in my arms

with tears that touched your lips

that now would never speak

another chance I beseech, to gaze into your eyes

that are the colour of the sea; embrace your warmth

against my skin, but this will never be

a mother should not outlive her child

I begged take mine, in place of yours

I laid my hand across your heart

a heart that beat no more

why was life so fleeting, the time we had too brief

you were ripped away from me, I’m left behind to grieve

there are no answers

life we know at times so cruel

how do I go on living – living without you

try to remember me, you were called away too young

there is no rhyme or reason, for why this has been done

time they say the healer; one last hold, one kiss, I beg

so as I hold you to my breast, this torment that I bear

know that I so loved you and this last wish I share

wrapped in cotton white, take your pastel coloured wings

my angel child and fly

and with each breath I’ll think

of you, till my time comes, to die 

©JMTacken Sept 2013

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also for http://dversepoets.com/ Open Night # 106

Fictional

J.Tacken 2013

Happy Birthday Daughter # 1

25th March 1983
a little princess was handed to me
chubby cheeks and darkened hair
my first born baby girl my daughter
tears of joy and happiness
with so much love I could not speak
 She grew into a girl with spirit
a girl with wants and humour
infectious
a girl who now
is a remarkable young woman
one that I can say of whom I’m very proud

there was no teenage rebellion
her grades were high
her fortitude strong
a girl that strived from day one
to be the best that she could be

and yes we have had our battles
like daughter/mothers do
but we ‘know’ each other well
and today it’s your 30th birthday
where has that gone I ask?
those years when I first held you
to now
the time has moved too fast

I wish you happiness in life
and all it has to offer
your were my first born little girl
and what I wish to say is
I send you love and give you hugs
on this your Very Special Day

Happy 30th Birthday ‘B’ – I love You

xxxx

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can see my second daughters birthday blog for her 26th birthday here https://ramblingsfromamum.wordpress.com/2012/12/13/happy-birthday-to-my-youngest/

Happy Birthday to my youngest -13th December 1986

Happy Birthday to my daughter (this be daughter 2)

We’ve had our fights our ups and downs

But would I trade you?

NO

~~~~~~~

Happy 26th my darling daughter

You are really quite unique

I struggle at times to understand

And some times you make me shriek

~~~~~~~

But you have brought me happiness

From the moment I gave you birth

Your laughter and your quirkiness

Tells me of your worth

~~~~~~~~

So on this day I wish you well

Success and love to you

I’m grateful you’re my ‘little’ girl

Even what we have gone through!

~~~~~~~~

Your laughter is intoxicating

Your mimicry second to none

Your dancing unbelievable

You’re such a special one

~~~~~~~~

So Hip Hip Hooray today my love

May your future be bright & fulfilling

You have so much to look forward to

Just open that door and be willing

I LOVE YOU

xx

My little girl eating chocolate – just like her mum

Daughter # 2 on the left at her Sisters Wedding

and again my girl

This is the Lady – My Mum

Mum

I have written about my Pop but not Mum…so it’s her turn tonight.

This is the English Rose at my daughters Wedding 3 years ago.

This is the lady who says now she’s not beautiful & that growing old means people “look at you as though you are stupid or they don’t understand you, or have patience for you”.

This is the lady who gets frustrated by not being able to do what she did in her younger years.

This is the lady who suffered a fall a couple of years ago and now has difficulty walking (one of my little penguins).

BUT  This is the lady that brought me into this world.

This is the lady who held my hand to cross the roads.

This is the lady that looked after my children, so I could work.

This is the lady that took care of me when I was sick, or had a bad back & couldn’t tend to my daughter.

This is the lady who has supported me and my family with her unconditional love & affection.

This is the lady whom I have laughed with and shared tears with.

This is the lady that I have argued with & fought with.

This is lady who can say a sharp word or two to me if she feels the need.

This is the lady who has shared so much love for other people.

This is the lady that has such a good and giving soul.

This is the lady I look up to & admire for her strength & her courage to leave her home of England and come to Australia for a better life, knowing that breaking away from her parents was the hardest thing she could do.

This is the lady who has shown so much commitment and unquestionable love to my father.

This is the woman that lays Pops clothes on the bed of what he is to wear every day and continues to do so, because she thinks he can’t colour coordinate (though everything is beige) 🙂

This is the lady who bares no grudges towards anybody.

This is a lady who was told she should start her own cake business as she is a brilliant cook.

This is a lady who held ‘simple’ dinner parties for 20 people without blinking an eye.

This is the lady that was a brilliant hostess.

This is a lady that went back to work, standing on a cold concrete factory floor to work on a production line so that she could save some extra money to take my brother to England for a visit to see his Grandparents.

This is the lady that will have glassy eyes when helping Pop up from his chair.

This is the lady who lost her youngest son eight years ago and bares the grief silently within her heart.

This is the lady who has been a loving & giving person not only to myself but to her grandchildren.

This is a lady with so much pride & strength that sometimes I think she forgets that she has any.

This is a lady that looks at us with love as only mothers can.

…Yes we may have ‘words’ now and then…we are Mother & Daughter.

…Yes we may not often see eye to eye on things.

…Yes we are both different ..but in so many ways so alike .

…Yes you have grown older..but I have too.

…Yes I am proud of you, admire you, value you, adore you.

… Yes but most of all I AM THANKFUL that you are my MUM & I treasure now more than ever having you with me still..

So do not think for one moment that you aren’t beautiful because my darling English Rose YOU ARE NOW and always will be to me…

I LOVE YOU

xxxxxxxxx

Funerals

Today I attended a Funeral.

This post will be respectful for the departed.

The Service was for a girlfriend’s mother of mine. This girlfriend and I knew each other when we were little. Our parents knew each other very well. Her mother was German, her father who passed away some years back was Czech. The daughter ‘L’ was an only child.

I picked up my ‘little penguins’ ( Mum & Dad) and we drove to the Service. The clouds had formed, the rain had started and we walked into the front room to see some of their friends and ‘L’s two children, whom I hadn’t seen for possibly 20 years.

‘L’ and her husband ‘C’ were greeting everyone. I hadn’t seen ‘L’ for 8 or so years…we just lost touch as in life we sometimes do.

As we saw each other and walked towards each other …there were no words, her face showed her feelings, her teary and bloodshot eyes were enough…

We hugged and she cried saying “Can’t help it…it still…”

“I know darling, I know” I told her and we hugged tight.

Then it was time for the Service and we took our seats, mum and pop sat next to me.

‘L’s mum was lain in the coffin in front of the room, adorned with beautiful pink roses and a photo of when she was younger.

The Ceremony began and on the large screen in front of us ‘L’s mum and a picture of her were displayed.

A favourite song was played by Marlene Dietrich. I didn’t understand the words as she sung in German, but it was tearful.

Her children then stood up and tried so valiantly to give their Eulogies. The daughter was unable to through grief. Her brother took over and though struggled talked about his ‘Babicka’ or Babi. Czech for Grandmother.

‘L’ couldn’t say words…stand up and tell how she felt about her mother..we all understood… I felt for her…how can anyone in grief talk about their lost loved one..

The Service was conducted by a beautiful woman who read eloquently, elegantly & with feeling..giving this person whom she never knew the respect that she deserved.

Photos of ‘L’s mum then came on the big screen with music playing in the background.

We  were asked to stand for those that were able & recite the Lords Prayer & as we stood & watched & remembered this fine lady with the music of a lilted piano my tears flowed…

Photos of her as a child, photos of her husband, photos of her and ‘L’ and with her granchildren..

The sun then shone…

The Service ended and my ‘little penguins’ were standing to the side of me. I turned and tears were flowing from my Pop & Mum.

“She was a good friend , we knew her for a long time”, my Pop said struggling..

That made me cry even more, I hugged him tight…and wept

Her coffin was wheeled away….

My tears were also for ‘my penguins’… life’s circle is a known it’s when the circle finally joins up is the unknown…..

We went into the front room for a cup of tea and to all take a deep breath… I sat next to a woman I didn’t know who was 99 years young.

She said “You know Funerals have changed so much since I was younger, in those days the Service was at home, the deceased lay in the coffin in the Parlour and after words were said it would just be taken away for the burial..I remember my father had that”.

It took all my strength not to cry again, this elderly woman who has seen so much in her life time,  remembering her father that way..

‘L’s mum is in the Arms of the Angels now…to rest with her husband…

R.I.P Lotte

Pop **my dad** I love you

Please don’t tell mum you think that you’re dying – Mum told me today that’s what you said.

I don’t want to hear those words 

Don’t say you think your life’s at an end – those words cut to deep.

I watch you slowly find your balance when you stand & that a short walk makes you weary – I see the strength you once had is gone & I see the frustration in your eyes because of it.  I see the tremors in your hands which I know is hard for you to understand.

But I don’t want to hear those words

I see the changes in you, I see that my dad has grown older – don’t make me cry by saying what you did today.  I love my nick-name Ginger though I don’t know why I have it  – I love the bond we have which has grown stronger throughout the years.

But I don’t want to hear those words

I look at you & think of all our laughter & our tears – the advice you have imparted – the guidance that you have given – I’m your daughter “your girl” & I’m here for you – you know that…right? – I know this can’t be easy for you – growing old never is & I wish I could do more.

But I don’t want to hear those words

I love & cherish you so much & it hurts me to know those words were spoken – it frightens me of what will eventually come – but that time is not yet with us – so I can only ask that you try not to be disheartened or make apologies for your age,  for I will be your support,  be it just my hand to hold you steady or a hug to show how much I care.

But please I don’t want to hear those words

**Ginger**   xxxxx

My Dad – Affectionately ‘Pop’

For my Pop,

This is what I wrote & read to my father not so long ago.

For the last few months I have thought more and more about wanting to sit with you and say what I am about to. Instead I being the writer have written those words and will read it, as hopefully I shall find this easier.

What can a daughter say to her father, that I love you totally? Admire your courage to survive your upbringing, your strength to conquer against all odds your escape during the war. Your tenacity to fight for a better life, not only for yourself but for my mother and your children.

You are a man of dignity and honesty. You have been and still are a wonderful husband to mum and a truly devoted and loving father to your children. You have always been there to support and encourage and give me much-needed advice. You have been the disciplinarian when needed when I was younger, the confidant as I grew and the person I could rely on.

Every daughter will say their father is the best, but of you it is true. It is a pity we don’t ‘know’ the man before they became our father, as I would have liked to have known you in your youth, or a young man, but then again are you so different from then to now? As life rolls by I have so many memories of you and my life is the better for it. I would not change one moment, nor one day.

I have wanted to say these things to you for sometime and even though I pray with my entire being that you will be with me for many years to come, reality means that may not be so. This is why I say this to you now, because I do not want to miss the opportunity of not being able to tell you. I adore you Pop, you will always be with me on this earth or when your time comes to leave it. Perhaps believe in the ever after, so that I can still talk to you and know that you are around me. No words shall comfort my grief or pain when you are not here to talk to or laugh with. I shall remember playing childhood games with you, I shall remember sharing a loaf of bread and a full piece of salami in a car with you and not having anything to cut them with. Our memories will being a smile to my heart. I love you unconditionally and respect you as my father and as a human being.

You have brought me up well and taught me well and for that I am eternally grateful.

You are in my heart and so much a part of me, that tears well in my eyes as I write these words.

But I wanted to say them – had to say them. I am so proud to be your daughter and even more proud that you Pop are my father. So with this I close, I wipe the tears and I vow to spend as much time with you as I can. I love you.

I shared this with you, to implore those that may read it, to say what they feel to their parents, before the chance has been taken from you.  I did and I have made peace within myself, that when his time does come he will know my thoughts and how much I love him. I held his hand and struggled with the tears as I read this to him, but I had the opportunity to do so and for that I am happy.

Remember the lyrics to Mike and the Mechanics Song  The Living Years-

I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say