Rambly – I am what I am tonight

Tonight there is a gnawing in my stomach
a mini marathon ran exhausted
everything seems a little too much ~ close the walls around my grey cells
I do not wish to think ~ I am not myself tonight
children of adult age bear grievances
do not speak ~ lack of love ~ sibling annoyances
horses at the barriers ~ the gate may open ~ but they choose to hold
and not accept themselves ~ both running the same race only
in different directions
parents ageing taking on their pain ~ watching memory wash away
life slipping by ~ a battle that cannot be won
witnessing struggles beyond my ability to help
having my father say “I don’t want to leave you”
can I explain how that rips me apart
earning my keep nine hours spent with whispers that are seen
unwelcome ~ try as I may will this change yet I think
is it me not them
matters to attend to ~ what energy I possess will not
allow what has to be done
friendship lost for reasons unknown
hard to question why
day of not having to think ~ or help ~ or question ~ or ask
or plead ~ or cry ~ or vent ~ or whinge ~ or try to mend ~ or try
to heal ~ or feel sadness ~ or wish there were answers to  ~ to have
no dramas
this is all I ask
I am known as ‘the organiser’ something needs doing
turn to me
tonight I do not wish this anymore
being a mother – giving all I ever could ~ yet sometimes
I feel not appreciated ~ should I ask that I am
I suffer not from illness ~ depression ~ or physical pain
yet when did I lose myself and why
do I feel this way ~ maybe just today
hopefully just today
I look at life through different eyes
I write this not for sympathy
or comments to stay strong
this is how I am right now
tomorrow I hope will be
different