Old age (via email) according to my Pop

My darling Pop sent me this email today – thought I would share

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn’t that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to
go anywhere.

Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have
begun to grow in the middle.

Old age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the
one that will get you home earlier.

A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by
his Doctor instead of by the police.

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will
avoid you.

You’re getting old when “getting lucky” means you find your car in
the parking lot.

Hump Day Humour

Courtesy jokes.com

Q. How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

A. By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?

A. The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!

Classics – Courtesy   http://web.maths.unsw.edu.au/~jim/selfref.html

I’m the humblest person I know.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

The workshop on procrastination has been cancelled, as no-one got around to enrolling.

Anyone who visits a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

We never make misteaks.

87.5% of all statistics are made up.

Here, take this placebo.

The technical term for “being unable to remember the word you want” is, uh …

There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can’t.

The two rules for success are:

1. Never tell them everything you know.

There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don’t.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

There should be a rule that we don’t talk about politics.

 

Credit http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Hump Day Humour

Signs you’re older than you thought….

– You can live without sex but not without glasses. – Your back goes out more than you do. – You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

Juz  sayin…

A woman’s idea of romance is candles and satin sheets. A man’s idea of romance is “Hi Honey, I bought you some edible underwear!”

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Why don’t oysters give to charity?   Because they’re shellfish.

Ok I’ll try better next week I promise.

Hump Day Humour

Milk and eggs

 This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband,

“Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,

And if they have avocados, get 6.”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had avocados.”

 (If you’re female, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Males will get it the first time.)

 

 

How to make a Christmas Cake??

1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1 bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat .

Google & http://www.news.com.au

Me and Penguins or should I say Penguins and I? A little bit of humour

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Courtesy Google and Penguins-world.com

Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

Courtesy Google & Ginyoton.com

You really didn’t believe that I knew anything about penguins, did you? (Apart my beautiful Mum & Pop)

It’s so easy to fool OLD people. 

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

I fell for it, too.

The Dag’s Dictionary – A little bit of word humour

Courtesy of Author Richard Glover

Just a few words that should exist…but don’t

Avoiddance – The process of stepping sharply to the left & then the left again & then back down the street, when you want to avoid someone at the shops

Bellwilderment – The moment of communal panic when a mobile phone rings & everyone assumes it’s theirs

Brietentious – Descriptive of a person who shows off about cheese

Cadamite – A woman whose always attracted to the worst bloke in the room

Catasonic – The speed at which a cat moves after you tread on it’s tail

Cellulights – The especially harsh lights found in changing rooms designed to prove you must cover your body at all times

Confidont – A friend who blurts all your secrets

Dudmentia – A woman’s ability to forget how rotten all her past boyfriends turned out to be, so as to be able to fall in love with the next

Eespondent – The disappointment that follows when you discover all 20 emails have the subject line “Do you want a bigger Penis”?

Feng Shooey – The ancient male practice of abandoning at least one pair of shoes in every room in the house, in order to maximise his own energy flow

Fridgebit – Food that contains no calories by virtue of being eaten straight from the fridge, while standing with the door of the fridge still open and the light spilling out

Lollycoddle – During a long drive, to mollify children in the back seat of a car by throwing them regular supplies of junk food

Shyatus – The painful gap in conversation at a dinner party before the wine’s kicked in

Slobstacle – A person who just sits there as you try and sweep or vacuum around their feet

Tanti-climax – The bit when the toddler throws themselves face forward in the supermarket floor & holds their breath

Verboaster – A person who always uses a complicated & pretentious word when a simple one will suffice

and finally….

Weenertia – The moment in the morning when you can’t get out of bed, even though you urgently need a wee