It’s been a while

Hello my WP friends. How long has it been…too long, as even the WP page set up is completely different to me.

I have been concentrating on writing my Book that I hope to have published (my penguins story) but the Gates of the Big Boys, are only open to a selected few. Apart from that what has been happening in my world?

It’s been 4 years since losing Mum and Pop (my Penguins). The time has both flown and dragged all at the same time. The holes in my heart forever will remain. Knowing they are both together brings me comfort, the hardest days being the Anniversaries of their passing, their birthdays, Christmas and Mother’s and Father’s Day. But these are just days, aren’t they? A number on the calendar, that don’t show the outside world, how I’m feeling inside.

I am continuing with officiating Funerals and Weddings, though the Funerals far outweigh in number and losing Mum and Pop, has given me a greater understanding of what loss is and the grieving process.

Life hasn’t changed much with daughter K, though she is now selling more of her artwork and has received a few commissions, which keeps her occupied. Daughter B, had her 2nd child a girl (who just turned two).

I’m having a left hip replacement on the 9th of July….yes I’m old (well I didn’t think old enough to have one) but there it is. Not looking forward to the process, especially having to sleep on my back for 6-8 weeks, as I’m a side sleeper, but I must roll with the punches as they say!

Am I boring you yet?

So that is what is happening with me. Thank you to a couple of friends from here who have emailed me recently to ask how I am. It is so thoughtful to hear from you.

Perhaps I’ll get back into poetry or writing, perhaps not. I just thought ‘I’d dip my toe in’.

I hope everyone is well and life is being kind to you.

Jenny xx

Mother’s Day

From a child, to the adult that I am
You cared & guided me
Along life’s path
Selfless in your love
Today I want to thank you
For making me the person I’ve become

I didn’t think when I was younger
Of the struggles we’d face now
Once upon a time you held my hand
To cross the busy road
Now it is I who hold yours
Our ups & downs & in-between’s

Our tears of joy & sorrow
Our laughter through the years
Not knowing how life would change
But no matter where this journey takes us
Our bond & love forever will remain

“Happy Mothers Day”

To all the mums around the world

To all the children who no longer have their mums by their side

To all who have struggles and all who don’t

Remember them today & always

💐💐💐💐💐❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Grief before the end

Grief
Physically invisible
It doesn’t knock to be invited in
It’s felt, before the door has opened
The curtains bellow from the volume
Circling around

Gathering in strength
Some days your legs give way
An ebb and flow a dance of
Sorrow and of pain

It invades your personal autonomy
Stretching the silence into hidden tears
This before the need arises
Not knowing when the knock will be heard

So we bide the time
Wait and hope and see
Preparing ourselves to cope, to deal
The best way that we can
Until the real dance begins

update on Pop

Six  days in Hospital & now back at Aged Care (ASL). Life became a complete blur, paperwork needing attending to forgotten. Appointments, schedules…all of it no longer important. Days turned to nights in the hospital. Similar to now. Pop has each day thought it was his last, so we are trying to be positive around him, as he’s very scared of closing his beautiful blue eyes and not opening them again. Our bond so close and even closer now.

Mum on the other hand, though not really knowing what is happening, has, through her vascular dementia changed dramatically. I am her competition, I am a dictator, I’m interfering, as I spend 10-14 hours with pop (and her) and she feels threatened.

He has blood in his urine, a blocked kidney, double vision. Some days better than others, some he smiles, chuckles, calls B and K ‘cheeky little blighters’. Other days or for the most part, his MSA makes him sleep, unable to open his eyes fully when awake, his arms shake, his voice barely audible.

He asked for all the family to come in, so he can then go in peace. 14 of us plus his 2 great grandchildren are taking food a ‘pre-Xmas lunch’ into the home tomorrow for lunch. He asked if I’d get everyone to bring Panadol in, so that he could take it after they leave. I said no & unless you take 100 of them, it won’t do what you want.

Mum and I simply don’t get along anymore, today we had 42deg C, she screamed every time I put their air con as, as her body thermometer isn’t working and she’s freezing as well as the ‘imaginary draft’. It’s draining, it’s frustrating as pop gets upset hearing her repeat the same thing over and over and over and her fighting with me. This is dementia, this horrid disease that has taken her from her family.

She hates me coming in every day, but I will continue to do so, it is my wish and also pops. I hold his hand during the day, when needing to sleep myself, he says please don’t go, so I stay till I know he’s asleep, returning the next day. Mum spitting venom at me for the majority of the day.

I had a service last Friday, I have one Christmas Eve, I told pop he can’t ‘go’ anywhere, as I wouldn’t be able to do it.

Signing the DNR as pops wish, the most painful thing I had to do.

We have him still, life does end, but it sucks and I hate it, the whole situation, especially with mum making it worse.

He knows I love him to the moon and back and when the universe wants him, I know above all else that I will have no regrets.

Thank you for your kind wishes and thinking of me and my family who you have never met, it means so very much.

xx

A very tired me and my darling pop.

 

Death Tree

I walk
Along the path where wheels are spun and
Feet tread
The morning hot, I am glad for blankets of
Cloud that hide the sun
Leaves scattered like splinters against the cement and
Like a child I step on them to hear their noise
A tree stands tall though dry
She is bound towards her base with plastic wrap
Here she holds like a mother of her young
Colourless flowers of plastic
In memory of a soul
Beside the highway as lives drive past
Someone had lost theirs
She is not dry for lack of water but
From sheding all her tears

 

 

 

We all have ‘stuff’

They walk through crowds
heads bowed
unable to verbalise
their hurt

Some cover with fake smiles
whilst others openly weep
small pieces begin to break
the broken us

We all have ‘stuff’

Some breathe through it
others struggle for breath
hiding easier than facing
denying what they feel

Problems are just that
the size no consequence
to those who suffer
for we are individual

We all have ‘stuff’

A smile ~ a tear
withdrawing or talking
inner screams or outer
we all need to be heard

To be given support
having that shoulder
let us not cry alone

It’s like the carousel that
……. Will not stop
……. We go around with our ‘stuff’
……. In the hope we are heard
……. We have a voice
……..Let us use it

Copyright JMTacken 10.3.2015
Photo Credit
Tears –
growingingod.org

Morning time

the world stirs
light pushes towards earth
eyes blink
closed from longs night sleep
all that were settled stretch
branches open wide
their feathered dwellers
cry the morning song
flying off from nestled homes

I could have written of the darkness
as I saw it
in so many hours past
digital click to warn me of the
minutes passing by
of life

eyes that wish to close
yet drawn to nature wakening
the sounds, the calls
bringing rhythmic pulses to the air

and nothing changes
night to day
sleep or not
with memories of yesterday
thoughts of tomorrow
we start again
the day is what we make of it

copyright JMTacken 28.12.2014

I touched your cheek

I visited
entered through the open window
where the cream broderie tablecloth
still hugged the oak table
this is where our glasses clinked
I left inprints cross the dust
along the dresser shelf
music filled the air

I went inside
the curtains gently blew
I touched the books you loved
they sat next to the albums
that captured our lives
and there you were
walking from the other room
I watched you take my ashes
sit in your favourite chair

I heard you gulp
your adams apple rose and fell
you wiped your eyes
I couldn’t help
I couldn’t cry
you looked at me
curious how I got here
my wings touched your cheek
I’ll be back again

Copyright JMTacken 8.11.2014
Photograph mine

A very long chat time

I wrote a poem last night, the first post since coming back from our break, but in all honesty I have been so busy and tired to write much at all. So it’s update time.
I have broken it up into members so you can pick which if any you wish to be updated on.

MUMMA PENGUIN

Mumma Penguin is now in transitional care, since falling and breaking her upper arm 5 weeks ago and requires more intensive physiotherapy. She didn’t want to be in Hospital and popped on her cranky pants every morning, wearing them with pride all day. This hospital is old, but the staff are lovely. She wasn’t interested in socialising with anyone, her memory is deteriorating quite quickly. She didn’t want anyone to know her business.

Here however they have a dining room and a loungeroom with a TV. She cannot sit in her room and eat and watch her TV as in the first hospital, therefore she is forced to socialise. This has proven beneficial, as now she chats with a few of the elderly patients (mainly the men she tells me) whilst eating and watches the TV with them. Something none of us thought she would ever do. I bought her some track pants (sweat pants) and colour coordinated tops, to encourage her to get out of her nightie (as the braless look) on any 85 year old not just my mum, has little to be desired!

One of the pairs of pants were too long, so a quick repair job, cuffing and putting safety pins in, to help prevent her falling again. I spoke to her yesterday asking which pants she was wearing, the blue ones she replied. The pins not annoying you? What pins? The safety pins I put in to keep them up. Oh no, I took them out…right then.

She asks me daily have I had any services, I give the same reply. She tells me Pop doesn’t go in to see her, I tell her he has been in every day. She tells me daily that she has her arm in a sling, but she can use her left hand. I’m learning not to get as frustrated and just answering the question as if it’s a totally new one! She’s eating well, small portions but 3 times a day. She misses Pop terribly, but she has to stay at least 3 more weeks. Then she will be assessed again to see how she will cope at home.

POPPA PENGUIN

Not much to write about Pop. His walking is very, very slow. His speech has slowed down also and he spends the majority of his day nodding on and off, apart from appointments and visiting mum. This is how he we will be and I embrace every day that I have him. He has been diagnosed with macular degeneration and needs to keep a check on it annually and take some medication. He misses Mumma Penguin, but friends have been so helpful, bringing him food, providing transport to visit her.

K

Still struggles. She had another major meltdown two Sunday’s ago. From the positivity of the Seminar, to have her in front of me, sobbing and saying I don’t remember being a child, or 14 or 16, where have I gone mum, tell me, where was the girl I used to be. Any parent who reads this would realise the heartbreak that I as her mother felt in these few minutes. She wanted to admit herself to hospital as she couldn’t cope with her BPD any longer. I talked to her for over an hour, in the end she has decided to try medication – Serequel. Today she got the script. I can only hope that her life becomes a little easier when she starts taking it, anything is better than how she suffers. Her sister and her have still not got together, but I live in hope.

ME

I performed two services last week, Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday’s sadly was for a young 20 year old boy, who passed from cancer. The mum wanted it uplifting and a true celebration of his life. That it was. There were tears, there was laughter. His dog was there front row. During the Photo Reflection I asked the Assembly to sing to the song chosen, they did. I asked them to dance and or sing there way as they left the Chapel, to Justice Crews Que Sera Sera they did. I was on a high, it was wonderful. The following day, I received a text from one of the Assembly asking if I did weddings, as he thought the service was excellent and wants me to conduct his wedding next October. I told him I’m in the process of finishing my assessments and it could be some time before I hopefully pass, get registered etc. He said we can be your test crash dummies, we want you. Do you known know how that makes me feel? Bloody brilliant…that’s how.

Thank you for reading all or parts. Many things happen in my world, not forgetting painting of the all the door frames, skirting boards and windows in the house 😝

Chat time

It’s Saturday night, well over here it is. It’s 9:24pm to be precise. We are now in Spring, but we have the heater on as it’s well ‘bloody cold’!

Today 7 hours of prepping and painting the house, haven’t really scratched the surface. Have I mentioned I hate painting?

My week, no Services this week, one next Wednesday though, which I shall write up by Monday hopefully.

K was going through a bad time, as they have to leave the shared  house that they were in for 6 weeks. Borderlines do not do well in shared accommodation, for obvious reasons. Their body language, their mood swings do not sit well with others who don’t know they are Borderlines (and it’s something she isn’t going to advertise).

I have had a very stressful week, not knowing where they would go, but luckily one of the ladies that K does cleaning for has offered a room at her place. They already have a border in one room and K and J will be extra. It amazes me how some people are so genuinely generous. I had met the owner when I first started cleaning, she hadn’t even met K let alone J, but she said she wanted to do what she could to help. So I love her for this, as my ‘baby’ won’t be on the streets.

After the painting today, Mr. S and I went out for dinner, the shortest dinner in history.

We went to a dumpling restaurant. Bringing our bottle of wine, when we asked for glasses, the waitress asked if we would pay $2.00 per glass, their way of saying corkage charge.

The meal apart from the dumplings, was sadly mediocre, Mr. S’s main that he ordered resembling a child’s vomit..I kid you not, vegetables, prawns, seaweed, fungi and uncooked egg thrown over the top..it wasn’t finished. We drove there, ate and back home within the hour.

I have been doing my assessments for the Marriage Celebrancy and on to the last one, where now after writing up a Ceremony, according to instructions given, I have to video myself conducting it. Oh joy, oh bliss!

Tonight, perhaps due to a couple of lovely glasses of wine, I’m feeling a little more like my old self, a sense of humour emerges, been such a long time.

Tomorrow, daughter B (eldest) is taking K to the pictures. This is such a huge thing. They have not spoken for over 18 months. I have been going to therapy with B and she has been learning about Borderlines and what I experience and her sister.

It’s baby steps, but I hope this will be the beginning of them at least being able to talk or be in the same room with each other.

I am then taking K to lunch. Should be interesting,  turquoise hair and all.

So for tonight, the old Jen is back, life seems a little easier, especially that K will have a roof over her head. I won’t jinx it by saying any more.

 

x