Life does change

Wedding Pic057

She stands
in the garden, alone in her thoughts, not knowing what her life will bring, simply letting her mind wander to what the future holds for her, what goes through her mind?
she bows
her head, trying to breathe, trying to visualise the hours ahead, the day of becoming a married woman, the moment she says I do
she leans
against the wooden tree which gives support to her trembling body, for she is nervous yet exhilarated at the age of twenty-six, young and about to begin a new life
she has
her dream come true, like many other young women to find their companion in life, to commit, to begin travelling down an unknown road with the one that she loves, her wedding day
could she
have known it would cease,  did it cross her mind on this day the 16th February it wouldn’t
be forever
she has
moved on, she is very happy in her life and she is also happy for the man that was
her husband
life changes
feelings get lost, communication breaks, meeting a T intersection, different directions
are taken
but she
is ok with that, for life isn’t always perfect, sometimes it’s not a fairy tale romance, not the happy ever after, but lessons are learnt, she has grown and now she can look through the photos of that day which bring a smile to her face and she can remember ….life does change

So you want to know who the REAL Rambly is? My 251st Blog.

Fortitude required to read further.

My 251st Blog – really? I hear you quietly murmuring. I know, I have written many posts since commencing and I have amazed myself at the quantity (my sympathies go out to all of you for putting up with them).

I am not doing prose/poetry for my 250th. I am getting back to grass-roots as it were – returning to ramblings. So perhaps get comfy in that chair and tilt it back a little. I am just going to write at will here (do my spell check of course, then hit the publish button – so anything is likely to occur).

I was born 19.07.55 (yes you do the maths) or for my American followers 7.19.55 (with apologies but I still can’t get my head around doing a date that way) 🙂

I was one of 3 siblings, my middle brother passing away some 6 years ago, dying alone in a Hotel room in India. I now have one elder brother and my parents (thank any high power you believe in) are still with me today.

I don’t remember much of my younger years, which is unfortunate as I am sure I would have many a story to tell, but for reasons (and not through age) I struggle to remember. I have snippets, small visuals that I recall now and then, but for the most part it’s a blank page. I do remember a doll I got for Christmas when I was probably 5 or 6 and I called her Irene after my mum. I remember when I was about 10 sitting in the car with Pop munching on a hunk of salami and a loaf of rye bread and a jar of pickles (Viking style). I do remember when I was 13, living at home, going across the road to an empty paddock with a fallen gum tree, standing proudly on top of it singing and playing air-guitar with the girl from next door.

I went to an exclusive all girls College for a year, only a year mind you, as at that time my eldest brother was also attending a Private School and in those days it was deemed more important for a ‘male’ to have an education and my parents were struggling to keep up the fees for both of us. So I was out. I didn’t mind, I continued going to Public School (High School) till Year 10 (sorry but I don’t know what that is in other countries).

I hated maths – I sucked at it, so I took an extra English class – perhaps that is where my love for writing began.

I was a rebel at School, yes I was the one (we are talking the early 70’s here people) that hitched their school dress way too high and thought I was cool. I also started wearing make-up to School and didn’t realise the cheapest powder I could get hold of had a lovely orange tinge to it. I suffered through the pimply stage and would hibernate at home on the weekends. I had girlfriends but mainly ‘boy’ friends – I was more comfortable in the company of ‘guys’ than ‘chicks’.

I wasn’t a Rhode Scholar in fact I barely made it to the end of Year 10, however I landed office jobs without too much trouble when I joined the work force and have continued my entire working life – in offices. That’s 41 years I have been working.

My parents Pop – Czech and Mum – English are the most delightful, encouraging, supportive, loving parents I could have hoped to have. They landed in Australia when mum was 21 and Pop 23. He started his own business and was quite successful for many years. My brothers and I never wanted for anything, we weren’t overly spoiled,  but we well taken care of.

As I mentioned I was a bit a rebel in my teens (aren’t we all) and yes I did receive the strap once in a while when I was young to pull me into line. Today unheard of, of course, then however part and parcel of raising your child. I think I have turned out ok for it and think nothing of it now, it’s how it was.

I lied, I sneaked out, I did what most teenagers do or try to get away with. I would say I was staying at a girlfriends house (which I did) but I didn’t quite stay there.. when her parents were asleep we would haul asses out the window and meet up with boys.. you know the man of your dreams, the pillow you would kiss pretending they are with you. (Please tell me I’m not the only one!)

Escaping escapades did get myself and my girlfriend into serious trouble one night, as her parents checked in on us..ooops we weren’t in bed. The police were called. Back then it went to the ‘big boys’ who tracked us down, quietly sitting in a shed at the back of a bowling club smoking weed and listening to Jimmy Hendrix…ahh the things we do ..right?

Or the time my family would go and stay with our friends at their holiday house in the hills (long before I actually moved to them). This G/F and I thought we would hitch-hike to Melbourne (possibly just over an hour away by car). We thumbed down the highway to be picked up by 2 ‘nice young lads’ in a Ute …we were fine..not a care in the world, till they drove off the road into a deserted spot surrounded by trees. LUCKILY somehow and my memory is not serving me well at this point, we managed to escape and hide. Our age – 14 or 15. Naive young girls who thought they could handle any situation that came their way.

I am a doting mother – probably too much so, I found it difficult to let my girls stand on their own two feet or learn lessons in life. I was always there, I will continue to be that way hopefully not to their detriment.

I have had more than my share of relationships, some good some horrid some in-between. I was married at 26, had my first daughter at 28 and my second at 32. I was married for 19 years when I decided to pull the pin, only because our communication had broken down and we weren’t on the same wave length any longer. It happens, it’s life. My ex has remarried and I get along famously with her and my ex and my relationship is still amicable and healthy. For special birthdays for the girls we all get together, go out for dinner etc and I like it that way.

I then had other relationships before I met my last ex (sounds bad doesn’t it) we were together 6 years, engaged. He was 16 years my junior. It didn’t cease because of the age difference, we just weren’t meant to be. After a couple of small relationship fiascos I ventured onto the internet dating scene where I met Mr. S (yes I have written posts about that, so I won’t bore you further) by the way are you still awake?

All I will say about Mr. S and I is that we haven’t had a fight or a cross word since we met, 5 years ago this May, we are of the same ilk, he now being a blog widower is happy that I have found my calling and he is quite content to watch TV upstairs (we are talking 4 steps here) or read his Kindle books.

It has taken me many years to finally find someone who I am truly and 100% happy to be with and I love him to pieces. He let’s me be me, I let him be him. We share common goals and interests and laugh most days..but wait …I said I wasn’t go on about him,  so I shall stop now.

Me – hmm well I use to oil paint – I sold one ONCE, I sketch now and then but writing (insert no shit sherlock) is where I belong.

I LOVE dogs all breeds all shapes all sizes. I cry at Lassie Movies. In fact I feel more saddened by the death of a dog than what I do a human in the Movies. When we had to have our fur-baby Tarsha put to sleep (aged 16) in memory of her I got a tattoo on my lower left hip with her name and a paw print. I was so scared, this was my first (and last) tattoo, but I had always tinkered with the thought of getting one..(but it had to have a special meaning) I decided the time was right. I remember the pain, I remember lying there and the girl Tattooist saying “Breathe” to which I replied “I’m trying” but I am happy that I had it and it’s a constant reminder of my girl.

I love horse riding and though I haven’t been since last year I am itching to get back in the saddle.

I live within my means, I don’t own a credit card. If you can’t afford to pay for it – you don’t buy – that’s my motto. When I was a young mum I bought some clothes for myself in Target only to get to the cash register and say “Sorry I can’t take them”…because I felt guilty about spending on me and not my family.

I did love to read but blogging has err taken over that.

I smoke (yes I know don’t shake your heads in disgust) us ‘lepers’ already have to deal with the tsk tsk’s and the ..what you smoke eyebrow lifts. I drink – no not an alcoholic (though one doesn’t truly admit that do they?) ok I enjoy a drink ..that sounds better.

I wrote a book – what you haven’t heard of it????  depressionexists  wrote a post and dedicated it to me and my Memoir which I love her for and I must say her review tickled me pink or was that orange. Anywhoo, I only mention this ..because I know for the writers out there who struggle to get published, it is such a difficult road. If you lucky enough to get an Agent to represent you, you may have a chance. I tried unsuccessfully to do that, I sent my Memoir off to every Publisher in Australia, the UK and USA. “You write with humour and warmth and honesty…but not what we are looking for at this point in time” was the reply.. so I EPublished, and woot woot I have sold I think 27-28? books. No I won’t retire a millionaire, but I have the knowledge that someone out there has read the words that I wrote over 3-4 years, that in itself is my reward, my dollars as it were.

I cry at anything. I am an emotional little poppet – I am Cancerian we are built that way..full moons make me go ‘troppy’ (nuts) I get hyper, babbling more than usual..(wait is it one tonight?)

I enjoy cooking if I’m having a dinner party (but freak out if there are more than 4 guests). Otherwise during the week I rarely cook. Mr. S does a mean poached eggs on toast and I’m cool with that..let’s just say we graze and don’t often sit down for a ‘cooked meal’, as daughter # 2 is out most nights and can fend for herself at any rate.

I adore both my girls – chalk and cheese as they say. Unique perhaps? Trials – tribulations… I have had the lot and will continue to do so..just being a parent.

I can’t wait to be a ‘nanna’… busting actually.

I wear a 7 1/2 to 8 shoe and I’m a size 10 and I have hazel eyes oh pfft I have a photo on one of my blogs – don’t need to tell you (though now my hair is pixie cut short – Vidal Sassoon style).

I am um 5’ 5 and A HALF ( the half being terribly important) or (166 cm roughly) you wouldn’t have been able to sleep without knowing that, or perhaps that’s what has tipped you over?

I’m a dedicated employee but won’t put up with bullying or BS and strong enough (and old enough) to speak up if I feel something isn’t right.

I love music most kinds (apart from Jazz) that annoys me.

I love to dance (ok pretend that I’m young again dancing around my hand bag on the dance floor).

I believe I am a good friend (I hope that I am) and I am there whenever I am needed.

I had laser on my face today and look like I’ve done a few round with Ali.

I think constantly at the moment of my parents and their life and how things have changed. I see them struggle and it saddens my heart. I help as much as I can, be there as much as I can. I am thankful we are only a 7 minute drive away from where they live. I can’t imagine them not being in my life..I don’t want to imagine.

So there you have it – me in not quite a nutshell – Rambly foibles and all.
Maybe you have learnt more about this person that you follow…or maybe your nose is now wedged between the letter T and N key on your keyboard.

Thank you if you have had the courage to read this all and not skip lines, thank you for your continued supported which I am most grateful for.

I bid you goodnight it is 1am Saturday morning…. have a wonderful weekend everyone.
xxx

When do you get the warm & fuzzies?

I flittered from Title to the Text
I decided on text and write the title afterwards.
What makes you warm and fuzzy?

My warm and fuzzy moments come from so many things.. I’m sharing just a few

  • hearing my daughters laugh
  • my daughters giving me a hug
  • holding onto Mr. S
  • writing
  • reading comments on my writing
  • listening to Andrea Bocceli – or any music
  • hearing a new borns cry
  • watching a child take their first steps
  • watching a foal take theirs
  • orangutang infants
  • puppies and grown puppies
  • wishing balloons on a Thailand night
  • eating something delicious..strawberries – lobster
  • drinking something delicious – a Mai Tai – chocolate milk
  • giving my arm to my parents when they walk

I guess this list (in my mind) is endless as it would be for each and every one of you.

Tell me if you wish what makes you warm and fuzzy?

Even if it’s one.

What’s your New Years Resolution?

Happy 2013 (again) everyone.

So do you have one?

Will you make one and not keep it?

Do you think they are a waste of time?

Mine?

To improve my writing, to understand the intricacies of poetry.

To try to do some volunteer work this year.

To make sure that all my family are loved and cared for to the best of my ability, look after my ageing parents and simply try to be the best person that I can be.

I won’t give up my vices however, saying I will has never has worked in the past.

Share time 🙂

It’s a Thursday kinda Friday…or almost TGIF

It is Thursday – in Australia – that’s the day before Friday – that’s the day ( Friday that is) that we long for, we hang out for, we have waited patiently for.

Thursday is the pre-empt to Friday when your mind is telling you tomorrow is Friday and it places you in a different mind set than a Monday, Tuesday or a Wednesday…don’t get me started on my Monday mind-set!

FRIDAY – the day when you trundle off to your day job knowing within your self it’s a different type of day. It’s a day where your insides feel a little more relaxed. A day when you really go through the motions of your work thinking all the time tomorrow is the weekend WHOOT WHOOT!

A day when you can’t wait for the clock to strike 5 or in my case 5.30pm,  I grab my bags, grab my phone switch off the computer and bid adios to my colleagues for 2 glorious days.

It doesn’t matter if you have a social event planned (though who doesnt at this time of the year – like Beck from http://ivegotastory.wordpress.com posted recently “Calendars gasp for breath in between work, social engagements, dinners and holiday parties”. (I love this line).

Or if you have planned a veg weekend where you potter around doing the mundane chores and do a shop and watch some TV or read a book or heaven forbid blog.

It’s the weekend – when we don’t lend our bodies and brains to someone else. When the time is our own and we don’t have to be a Yes Sir /No Sir person. When we can have our own agenda and decide how we plan our day.

So let us celebrate the FRIDAY the day where we don’t have to ‘fry’ our brains over spreadsheets, correspondence, dealing with customers and the like.

REJOICE and of course a little ditty off the top of my noggin

Let us celebrate the Friday

For we are free of work

Let’s salute this day of week

The bosses tasks we can now shirk

 

For the Saturday & Sunday are joyous

It’s ours of our free will

2 days where we can life our lives

2 days where we can CHILL!

 

Courtesy of Google & blogs.thescore.com

 

 

 

 

Lost Love (Re-posted from 20 lines a day)

Do you lie frozen under the covers

Cannot move to face the day

Is your body frozen in a moment

Seek shelter to keep your tears at bay

 

Do you dare not breathe to hard for that will make you think

Motionless, still you lie, for you fear your soul will sink

 

Do you lie frozen & find solitude with covers pulled up high

Breathing like a waveless lake in submission with your heart

Not responding to your surrounds or life

You have aches and unseen wounds for being apart

 

Longing your thoughts a simple adieu

Slowly waiting to gain control so you can be …you

 

Scared of what will happen next

Unsure of the tomorrow

Love been lost, you’re uncontrolled

Your body limp, your mind perplexed

 

Why has he left, does he also ache

You look at the ring…your love..your insignificant keepsake

 

Breathe in and out again sweet one

For you will gain your control

The covers can go down again

And you will soon again be whole

On Line Dating… it’s not just for the desperate.

I have been trawling through a few blog sites of people that I follow of late  and also was away for the weekend (hence not writing a post for a few days). I know hand up – you have missed me **laughing** ..nothing like patting ones self on the back.

I shall write about my weekend away (for those that don’t have a TV show to watch and are bored beyond belief) later on, but I though I would write about the topic as above (psst look up to see the Title).

I have come to the conclusion that there is such a stigma attached to on line dating services.

What ? I’m not good enough to meet someone other than on line?

I have friends who will one day introduce me to the man/woman of my dreams.

I wouldn’t trust anyone that I would meet on a computer.

Questions and self doubt and I wonder why?

What are we afraid of?

Do we have the belief that it is not possible to meet the person of your dreams on a dating site?

If so, why do we think that way? Is it because you feel that if you go on a site that you may be talking to possibly a serial killer? A weirdo, a freak, a no hoper, a desperate?

In this day and age it can be difficult to meet that special someone due to the below.

  1. If your social network isn’t that great.
  2. If you aren’t the Pub type.
  3. If you aren’t affiliated with a hobby club.
  4. If you don’t do sports or go to the Gym (because hell we all know you ALWAYS meet the person of your dreams there).
  5. If you are over your single friends trying to hook you up on blind dates.
  6. If you feel the right person will come along eventually (you shall meet in the supermarket – that’s what my mum would tell me)  so you don’t need any assistance.

There are so many reasons to convince yourself that on line dating or match making services don’t or can’t work.

Can I tell you … you are wrong (forgive me) but you are.

I have had my fair share of relationships (well I am old-ish). I was married (for 19 years). I was even engaged to a man who was 16 years my junior) please don’t hold that against me…I’m not a cougar 🙂

For OTHER reasons other than the age difference it was not to be.

After that ended I decided to try the on-line system. I don’t have a large network of single females that I could venture out with to the Pubs/Clubs to find the man of my dreams. I was after all in my 50’s and the thought of putting my face on and journeying out to a Pub filled me with horror. So what was I to do??

One brave night ( after a wine or two)  I went on line (obviously an Australian site) and entered my details.

With this particular forum you paid when you wanted to communicate with someone. The fee being minimal I may add.

I wrote a profile of myself (which I wrote and re-wrote a hundred times) it’s difficult because you have to basically tell the world who you are, pat yourself on the back..sounds familiar and give the impression you’re a total catch all at the same time) and posted a photo up.

I sat back and waited to see if I got any response. Yes I was eager and every night and checked my emails.

Hmm 1st week a couple of bites but my gut told me …no.

Another couple of weeks went past I ended up chatting to a guy who initially I felt sounded ok. When we arranged to meet however, my gut told me no..he isn’t the one.

A little time went on and I sifted through those that made contact with me, reading their profiles, reading in between the lines, trying to suss out if they were for real ( because there are some out there that  tend to stretch the truth) and if we could be match made in heaven. I’m not saying it’s an easy process, but you have to broaden your horizons and also have your wits about you.

Then I came across a profile, wonderful sense of humour, similar likes/interests. I looked at the photo and my fist reaction was “Oh god he’s bald”. Then I took a long hard look at MYSELF and thought so?…what is wrong with almost bald (just because I had never had that before doesn’t mean we aren’t compatible).

We started to chat on line, this was followed up by phone calls which in the beginning were brief, then they got to 2,3 and 4 hourly (even with the “No you hang up 1st”). Yes I reverted to being a teenager again.

Then we decided it was time to meet… was I scared – hell yes..was I doing the right thing? What harm can meeting in a public place do? I bit the bullet and decided to do it.

That night I put on my face, dressed nicely and daughter # 2 dropped my off at the destination with leaving strict instructions as to “If I need to come home I shall call for you to come and get me”.

We met in the foyer of a Hotel (it sounds sleazy but it truly wasn’t). We both only had our internet photos to go by.

I walked in and saw this gentleman (yes almost bald..so at least his photograph was real) and tapped him on the shoulder.

I won’t say it wasn’t awkward because it was. The conversation was stilted in the beginning, after a few drinks we both relaxed, but still I had my doubts (not because he wasn’t what I had envisaged from the site) but I guess because I was being cautious. I had not long finished the ‘engaged relationship’ and my heart in all honesty was not probably in the right place to begin another.

After that evening where yes I ended up teary (blame the alcohol consumption) because I kept thinking of my previous partner I said that we could only be friends, that I wasn’t in the right head space yet (even though initially I thought I was) to have a relationship.

This man’s response was that he totally understood and that he was more than happy to be friends and if I was willing that we would go out together …for company…pictures, dinner etc and if we met someone else so be it.

So we did that, we went out now and then and then we started going out more regularly.

We became FRIENDS, until one day it dawned on me and him that we were more than friends. We had many things in common, we had both been married, both had our fair share of relationships that worked for a while or didn’t, we were at the age where we could simply be US, individuals. There was no pretence, no putting on a show of different personalities in order to please the other. No hidden agendas.

You may have read my poem to Mr. S. This is the man I have just talked about.

4 1/2 years together now not an argument, not a cross word. We are happy, we live our lives together like any other others in a relationship who have gone the traditional route and met face to face.

So what am I saying here? Simply this.

  1. ONE can find happiness on line.
  2. ONE can find true love and their soul mate on line.
  3. ONE has to push past the barriers & misconceptions about finding someone on line.
  4. GUT feeling about someone on line usually is the right feeling.
  5. LIFE is sometimes about taking risks.
  6. DO chat on line first for however long you are comfortable with.
  7. DO talk on the phone to truly get to know the person.
  8. DO meet n a public place on your 1st meeting.
  9. DO have a back up plan in case you need to escape or don’t feel safe.
  10. KEEP an open mind.

I met and fell in love with Mr. S and I am so glad I was brave enough to try this medium.

So if the thought of meeting someone (that could be the person whom you are MEANT to be with) happens to be from an internet site and the thought of that makes you wary…think about it ..what harm can it do…what are you afraid of? It will be your choice to chat, to talk on the phone, to meet when you feel comfortable in doing so.

I did and I am so glad that I took the plunge for if I hadn’t I would probably be sitting in my little study blogging, writing and wondering who is out there for me?

As they say nothing ventured…nothing gained.

OK he’s not Bruce…but my Mr. S is just as … Pic courtesy of Google & articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com