Chapter 5 – 1st Time Mum

During one of the sessions I vividly remember having a needle placed in one part of my wrist and seeing it protrude from the other side. I was looking at it but feeling no pain, which was beyond belief as I was and still to this day not comfortable with needles. This however boosted my self-confidence and I felt armed and ready for battle. If I could handle the pain of a needle being pierced through my skin then I assumed that childbirth would be a breeze.

My gynecologist informed me on my last check-up that my baby would be induced, as there were still no signs of him/her ‘dropping’, I wasn’t going to argue the point as like any mother in the heavy throes of pregnancy all I wanted to see now was something for my efforts of the last nine months!

Three days later I was in the Hospital having the obligatory enema and mini shave thinking this is only the beginning and tomorrow I will be baring much more of myself to the world! At 5 a.m. on the 25th March, I was woken up in a hospital bed and was served the mandatory cup of tea by a smiling, whispering nurse and by 7.35 a.m. I was wheeled into the delivery room. As I lay on the pristine, starched, white sheets, staring at the ceiling, the cold fluorescent lights and the medical equipment around me, my thoughts were ones of terror. I was now scared to death as to what lay before me. To make matters worse, the pediatrician who was to guide me through the birth with the hypnotherapy did not arrive, so the prospect of going through childbirth completely “a la natural” was now frightening me beyond belief.

I was placed on a drip at 8.40 a.m. To the hour, my first contraction hit at 9.40 a.m. My self-hypnotherapy which I was taught for pain control went out the window. By 2pm the contractions were physically overpowering me and I honestly didn’t feel that I would be able to handle much more pain. I tried everything I could to try and ease it; lying on one side, then on the other, knees bent up to my chest, straightened legs, on all fours, standing leaning over the bed, grabbing hold of the sheets, walking around the bed, squeezing Garry’s hand till I almost drew blood.

**My Memoir the Empty Nest A Mother’s Hidden Grief is now available on Amazon and Lulu (J M Kadane)**

How does one speak with a drill in their mouth?

Yes, that moment when I am almost completely silent.

When I have to have an injection and feel my mouth and lips swell which gives me the appearance of a stroke sufferer.

When I know that it will be a couple of hours before I can actually hold a drink to my lips without slobbering it down my chin or having to tilt my head on a side to try and retain some of the fluid in my mouth.

When I have the assistant holding the sucker almost down my throat.

When I have a bite block to help me keep my mouth open so I don’t bite off the Dentists hand.

When I have the Dentist drilling and spraying my back tooth like there’s no tomorrow.

When I have to breathe through my nose slowly, or even raise my legs one at a time so I don’t gag and vomit whilst having a mould shoved in my mouth.

When I have the bib unceremoniously wiped across my face to mop it down from water spray that you swore is emitted from a fire hose.

When even the glasses they get you to wear require windscreen wipers.

When they tell you “We are going to use the noisy one now” – which in layman’s terms is the burr drill that makes your whole body feel it is being racked by a jack-hammer from the insides.

When they say  “You can rinse now” and you are lucky that your spit actually hits the bowl of circling water and doesn’t spray their floor or shoes.

When throughout the ordeal they ask “How was your day” or “How are the girls”?

The only answer is “urgh”..

**My Memoir The Empty Nest A Mother’s Hidden Grief is now available on Amazon and Lulu (J M Kadane)**

Weekend Past – Little Darlings Dining

Hello you, yes you. Firstly how was your day?  You have taken the time to look on the sites of a gazillion (sic) blogs and chose one of mine to read, for that I thank you 🙂 I don’t have beautiful photos, I don’t have a million followers. I write just what springs forth my head. In fact I am very surprised that I get people liking my posts, for they really have no deep meaning. So again I thank you if you have taken the time to read my random ramblings.

Well, we  are almost at Hump Day ( well in Australia we are)  Yes Wednesday, that day of the working week that we have reached only by battling our Monday -itis, followed closely by I don’t want to be here Tuesday. The day that we go into our mundane (or for the lucky ones) not so mundane places of employment and know there is a light at the  end of the tunnel – that being Friday! For then the weekend is upon us and we can rejoice and be merry and escape into our own personal lives instead of jobs.

Last weekend I sat with a dear friend at a local Restaurant for lunch. We had been work companions a few years back and unfortunately we only seem to catch up once a year for ‘What’s been happening in your life since we last met lunch’. The table next to us a mother, her mother and 2 small children. Bacon and eggs placed in front of youngens. The smaller of the two, probably just 2 years of age grabbing his fork like he’s holding a microphone, swaying it back & forth and in circles.

Stabbing said fork now into the egg to try and pick up a piece, he doesn’t look impressed as mum has ‘forgotten’ to cut it up into little pieces..well let’s say mum was probably one of the free thinking mums who believed in letting her child work it out for themselves.

Clearly he wasn’t impressed and when not having any luck with it commenced on the bacon, which he also couldn’t cut and since mum wasn’t helping out, the only option was to jam the end of this very large piece into his tiny mouth. Oops no he didn’t like that, chewing ferociously the bacon that was in his mouth was defiantly spat out like a mother bird regurgitating.  Let’s try the egg again you say? No, like a missile without warning his fork was flung across the table onto the floor narrowly missing my head. Ah…good times.

Happy Hump Day everyone!

**My Memoir –  The Empty Nest A Mother’s Hidden Grief is now available on Amazon and Lulu (J M Kadane)**

Chapter 4 – 1st Time Mum

I took my changing body shape as a matter of course. This is what happens when you are pregnant and so you go with the flow, adjusting your daily activities and taking things a little easier, especially in the final weeks. I would have twinges or a stitch sometimes, usually occurring after I had taken Ash for his walk. I saw this as my body’s way of telling me to slow down a little, and so I did. At night I would feel stronger movements in my belly – often when I was exhausted and longed for sleep – but it gave me reassurance rubbing my hand over my belly and I would find myself smiling, knowing that everything was progressing as it should.

By February the following year I started to “nest”, preparing for the arrival of my child. A natural occurrence, preparing your home, the nursery, making sure everything was almost in a sanitized state for when you brought this new little person back home. When I had run out of cleaning, I was decorating the nursery in unisex colours and brightly coloured murals, or I was shopping for pale green or pale blue or lemon singlets, grow suits, booties and bibs.

I purchased books on children, on child rearing and read and re-read every invaluable chapter, some of the photographs of newborns with such obstinate expressions on their faces, made me think they were quite ‘ugly’ as terrible as that may sound. I know every baby in their mother’s eyes is beautiful, but in my heart, whether I was delusional or not, I knew that my baby would be beautiful!

My mother’s advice, lovingly imparted, was also somewhat redundant, as back in ‘their’ day they were drugged up considerably for the birth. I don’t think anyone can truly explain what you will go through or how to prepare yourself, because every birth and pregnancy can be so different. But as much as I wanted a natural childbirth I investigated going through labour under hypnotherapy.

**My Memoir The Empty Nest A Mother’s Hidden Grief is now available on Amazon and Lulu (J M Kadane)**

Bucket List

There comes a time in your life, mainly when you hit middle age (of course what number that may be is any one’s guess) for we don’t know when our time is up.

Goals in life that you wish to attain. We all have them, be large or small.

Mine were quite simple, and yet it took me sometime to actually get off my butt to start making them come to fruition.

To start off with I had various video recorder tapes. VHS for those who are too young to know what these are (the old big plastic cassettes) for the past few years I kept saying to myself I need to get them onto DVD’s, for over 28 years they sat in a plastic container in one of my cupboards, gradually the colour fading on them, lines and static appearing, all of this I know idea was happening. Last week I bundled up all these old memories, plus some more current and got them transposed onto discs. The technology wasn’t around years back to do, and now of course the Video Recorders have improved. It was one of those “Yes I’ll get around to it one day”. Now I have done it, so strike one off my list. I feel happy about this.

Secondly I have written a manuscript, I had sent it off to various publishers with favourable critique, but unfortunately it came to nought. Now I have taken the plunge to put as an EBook and I’m in the process of doing that.

I would like a wall of family photos, I haven’t started this venture. It’s the mere thought of getting all the ‘hard copy’ pics out and not having negatives of them (you say what’s a negative?) Taking them to the camera store to get them blown up, airbrushed etc etc. This causes me inner tension that I haven’t begun this.

To start blogging – as I enjoy writing so much, the chance to meet other bloggers or writers, to read their posts. Well clearly I can strike that off my list!

Mundane wants like new flooring, new bathroom, new splash back in the kitchen or a new bench top. New furniture, reconstruct the decking. These are dependent on finances more than anything though.

There are probably many more things I would like to achieve before I cant smell the roses, another overseas trip or two perhaps. To return to Europe and to show my partner all its the wonders.

I’ll keep dreaming, and planning in my head in the hope that I’ll get off said backside and make them come true.

**My Memoir The Empty Nest A Mother’s Hidden Grief is now available on Amazon and Lulu (J M Kadane)**

Chapter 3 1st Time Mum

After the Ultrasound as I was shaking uncontrollably, Garry took me to a nearby Café where I tried to regain some composure, both of us were absorbed in what had taken place and elated that in nine months time we would actually become parents. Like the majority, we had started as a couple, and then a married couple, and now we were going to be ‘mummy and daddy’. The implications were overwhelming, as we imagined and discussed, the pre-natal classes, the possible cravings at all hours of the day or night, the probable mood swings as new hormones bounced their way through my body. How much would a baby change our lives? Would we be able to survive it all?

The elation of being pregnant was also accompanied with equally powerful feelings of apprehension. As I got further into my pregnancy I waited anxiously and excitedly to feel “its” first movement. I enjoyed being pregnant, apart from the obvious weight gain and my natural concerns over what childbirth would feel like. How much pain I would suffer? Would our baby be normal? And how long would it take before I looked ‘normal’ again?  These anxieties were combined with a severe lack of sleep towards the end of the pregnancy, as the birth was due in the warmer months. Trying to find a comfortable position in bed supporting this huge bulge in front of me was near nigh impossible, as I battled with several pillows every night under my legs and tummy.

Early in November of 1982, usually after I had settled into bed for the evening, I began to experience some strange sensations, as if there were bubbles bursting within my stomach. Was it movement or just plain wind? How does a new mum describe this feeling to a woman who has not yet experienced it? Does this “bubble popping” happen to every mother-to-be? I found myself continually holding my stomach, waiting for it to happen again. The bubbles were not as noticeable during the day as I went about my daily routine of work and household chores, but they were obstinately there when I finally lay down in bed at night.

Around this time my boobs started increasing in size, which of course brought favorable comments from my husband. Normally a size 34, by five months into the pregnancy I graduated to a 36B bra. I finally possessed a cleavage; even I was excited! Meanwhile my weight skyrocketed from 56kg to 72kg, although my diet was healthy. There were those odd occasions when I allowed myself a doughnut, biscuit or bag of chips, because… well, I was gaining weight anyway and was now “eating for two”, as so many of my friends and relatives loved to remind me. I noticed my arms and legs were also getting larger, along with my tummy which was protruding by the day.

**My Memoir The Empty Nest A Mother’s Hidden Grief is now available on Amazon and Lulu (J M Kadane)**

I slept! Plus Chapter 2 – 1st Time Mum

Firstly I would like to thank those people that have read my posts and taken the time to comment.

Once feels so humbled, knowing that amongst the millions of bloggers that my tiny snippets of rambling have been acknowledged.

Secondly (and possibly a little out there) I am thanking the  new Target Commercial for having a ‘normal size’ model in their adds. What a relief to see a woman dancing around in her underwear that has a figure that the majority of women have in this world and not some skinny rib showing, flawless model. So Touche to you Target! Just had to get that out there, clueless as to why.

Thirdly, I slept last night, yes I had to resort to half of a ‘over the counter’ pill but I slept and feel so much better for it.

So for those that were on tender-hooks after my blog last night – you can put your mind at ease, for I now sit at my desk in my little study in my home, writing without bleary eyes. I am sure you are all relieved.

Below is the next Chapter of my short story that was published – Ok if you haven’t read the 1st Chapter it’s under FIRST TIME MUM, you may want to look at that before you contemplate the below otherwise it will make no sense to you at all.


By the time I drove home my mind was racing with so many questions firstly how do I tell my news – straight out, subtly or tell my husband that Ash would be having a brother or sister in nine months? Then there were the questions of would I make a good mother, can I look after a baby, would I drown him/her with their first bath?

I opted for the ‘Ash is going to have a brother/sister’ line when I told my husband. Yes, as any prospective father to be there was the initial slight shock, the ‘are you sure’, followed by the excitement of what was taking place.

Our first Ultrasound was three weeks later, where after having to consume a rather large amount of water and having to wait through those agonizing minutes without being able to relieve myself was the beginning of the ride. Up on the table to have my stomach smeared with gel, I gripped Garry’s hand tightly.  I felt restless and impatient as the technician glided the ultrasonic camera over my belly. Then we finally saw the image. My feelings then shifted from nervousness to that of complete wonderment. Though the picture that was visible on the monitor looked nothing more than a blob with extended parts, he/she was there right in front of me and that is when I became aware that this was happening that there was a little life inside of me. He/she was at this stage was four finger breadths long, aged 13 weeks and one day and was due to be born on the 22nd March 1983.

**My memoir The Empty Nest A Mother’s Hidden Grief is now available on Lulu or Amazon (J M Kadane)**

I’m so tired today

Sleeping is not coming naturally to me of late, in fact  it hasn’t for quite some time. Yes, I’ve tried the warm milk before bed, the reading a book till you face plant the page and no bright lights. Nothing seems to work however. I’ve also tried going to bed late and early or a glass of wine all to no avail. I have also tried every (well practically) known herbal tranquilliser on the market and also prescription and non prescription from the chemists – they work but I’m trying not to get the addicted thing happening.

I went to bed last night book in hand and read till hmm let me see probably 10pm, I yawned, I squirmed and the pages got heavier to flip, so off went the dim bed-side light and down I snuggled.

I was still trying to snuggle and drift into slumber at 12.30 – 1.15 and 2.30am. I must off drifted off for an hour or so as my mobile phone chorused out its wake up alarm at 6.15.

So I am bleary eyed now, but still I write, because I needed to, as I sat at work today (shoosh please don’t tell the boss) I asked myself the questions how often should one blog? Is there a limit? Can I prattle about anything that may for all intense purposes a little bit interesting to others? Do I just blog for the sake of blogging? Many questions invade my normally rational head-space and why the hell am I making it so complicated?

Tsk tsk see this is what happens when I’m tired..

**My Memoir The Empty Nest A Mother’s Hidden Grief is now available through Lulu and Amazon (J M Kadane)**

Did someone make you smile today?

Something simple but lovely.

Walking around the supermarket with trolley in hand, an elderly couple commented on the laced up ankle boots I was wearing.

“Where did you get those? They are lovely and they suit you so much and you have the right ‘pins’ to wear them”. I couldn’t stop smiling, how gracious, how out of the blue, how nice to pass a compliment to a total stranger.. So I say thank you whoever you were for taking the time out of your day to make me smile 🙂

 **My Memoir The Empty Nest A Mother’s Hidden Grief is now available through Amazon and Lulu (J M Kadane)**

First Time Mum

Some time back I wrote a short story which was accepted and published in a book of collective stories from new mums.

Some of us have pets before we ‘replace’ them with children. That was the case for us, Ash our Golden Retriever was the baby in our family, but things soon changed after the first pregnancy test, which incidentally proved negative. Three weeks later, as my boobs were continuing to feel sore and no sign of a period, I took another and this one read positive. I phoned my doctor for the first available appointment. Yes positive, I was approximately 10 weeks pregnant; baby would be due in March. I was elated when I found out. It was a thrilling feeling, similar to setting foot on your first roller coaster ride. Unlike the ride where you could disembark, there was no getting off this one, and knowing that I was now nurturing a human being inside of me was both a joyous and terrifying thought.   

Stay tuned..

**My Memoir The Empty Nest A Mother’s Hidden Grief is now available through Lulu and Amazon (J M Kadane)**