Thank You

For all your kindness and lovely comments.
I would do a general thank you post, but as I am so tired..or over tired right now, I can’t comment individually to you all. So I hope you can forgive me.

As I look at the time, I have been awake now 36 hours.
I didn’t sleep the rest of the morning. Every time my eyes closed, tears fell, or I felt my heart start beating faster. Just watching K asleep, hoping, praying that she wouldn’t experience another seizure.

When my eyes stayed closed for longer than a minute, I had flashbacks of her face when I saw her convulsing. I can’t get this out of my head now.
In the wee hours a Neuro doctor came in and tested her reflexes, asked her questions.
At around 2pm another Registrar and students came in, same questions. At 3pm the Neurology doctor attended with the Registrar, asking the same questions.

Then the confirmed diagnosis of Epilepsy and ordered tablets. 400mg per day for the first week, then 800mg per day thereafter.

It is now 8pm as I write. We left the hospital after K started to get a little more than agitated from lying in a noisy room for so long. They were wanting to admit her for overnight at first, but then said she could leave. I drove her back to her place with J following behind.

For those of you with children, remember that first drive home with your new baby from the Hospital, when a speed bump was taken so carefully, when corners were taken slowly?

This is how I was with K in the passenger seat, so frightened that I may set off another seizure.

She is now asleep, her body and mind exhausted. I cannot.
I will have to take a tablet to knock me out. I went and had a shower and cried my heart out under the water, seeing her face over and over. I know I’m exhausted, I know tomorrow I won’t feel as I do now, that I won’t picture her tormented body.

I hope this medication stops them, though there is no guarantee. Could be trial and error.Once again, thank you, all of you for your support through this, I am so very grateful.

PS. Thank you to all who have read and commented on some previous posts. I have been neglecting my answers to you…believe me, I THANK YOU xx

Sheer Wonder ~ of You (Prose)

protected cocooned

within soft fluid

I held you

dreaming dreams floating

circling in the space

you held your own

to do with as you pleased

attached only by umbilical

gravity unknown

no centre universe

attracting you to earth

content to linger

till your time came

my hand held across my belly

felt you squirm and roll

punch and kick

watching as my skin popped

a visible sign of you

and there you were

through pain and squirming

of my own

bringing you to the world

saying my first hello

cradling you in my arms

kissing every inch of you

I will protect you

I  can’t cocoon you

I would give my life to save yours

my sheer wonder

my girl/s

©jmtacken Jan 26th 2014

Daughter # 2 Kayla

Daughter # 1 Beck and her husband Eug

Shared with –

mindlovemisery.wordpress.com  Prompt 40

Writing anything on – Sheer Wonder

I have felt Motherhood (just a bit of nostalgia)

I had that inner and outer glow when a life grew inside me and felt small fists and kicks from tiny feet
I watched as my stomach jumped with an internal cricket beneath its skin
I cried at movies when there was no need and laughed for the same reason
I read books about to how to raise your kids, only to heed my inner voice
I dressed in clothes that had to stretch and donned unflattering 'tent's'
I wish now for T-Shirts that showed the world, I was to become a mum
I cringed with cramps from over-doing
I sulked at the sight of wine, that had to wait for another day, or the cigarette I couldn't have
I smiled at hands that wanted to feel the life within
I thought of names, only to decide after they were born, as the decision was at our first meeting
I felt the nurses as they probed to assess dilation
I squinted at fluorescent lights that shone brightly on my bared body in the room, without humiliation
I felt the pain as it hammered through me, time and time again and wondering if it would cease
I shuddered as I felt the needle in my back
I winced being told one more push, feeling the sweat trickle off my brow and hoped that this would end
BUT
I remember hearing a babies cry
I remember my tears letting go as she was given to me to hold ~ my cricket
I do remember becoming a mother for the first time
and I remember ~ as if it was only yesterday

©jmtacken Nov 2013

A mother cries goodbye

[youtube.com/watch?v=6-x-m9-K6Bo]

My fingers wrap around your wrinkly hands

vision blurred, as my eyes well with tears

my lips touch velvet; your soft brown hair

and I do this ov’ and over again

in the short time that we have

rocking gave us comfort cradling you in my arms

with tears that touched your lips

that now would never speak

another chance I beseech, to gaze into your eyes

that are the colour of the sea; embrace your warmth

against my skin, but this will never be

a mother should not outlive her child

I begged take mine, in place of yours

I laid my hand across your heart

a heart that beat no more

why was life so fleeting, the time we had too brief

you were ripped away from me, I’m left behind to grieve

there are no answers

life we know at times so cruel

how do I go on living – living without you

try to remember me, you were called away too young

there is no rhyme or reason, for why this has been done

time they say the healer; one last hold, one kiss, I beg

so as I hold you to my breast, this torment that I bear

know that I so loved you and this last wish I share

wrapped in cotton white, take your pastel coloured wings

my angel child and fly

and with each breath I’ll think

of you, till my time comes, to die 

©JMTacken Sept 2013

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also for http://dversepoets.com/ Open Night # 106

Fictional

J.Tacken 2013

Morning Blight

oh child please
stop crying
coffee spilt
toast burnt
can’t you wear
odd socks to school?
have you looked
under your bed?
YES
I know they are your
favourite
but you have a few to choose
I plead… how about a different kind?
you shake your head you pout
I sigh…
yes stop your sniffling sweety
mummy will try to find
there really are OTHERS
that we can find to
wear
I give mutterings
through clenched
teeth
crap
this day’s not over
yet

crying dog
PLEASE stop whining
I’ll get your
breakfast soon
don’t give me guilts
with puppy dog eyes
as I race
from room to room
for a SOCK!!
where can it be?
what about these?
no darling YOU’RE
right of course
there NOT the same
oh give me strength
I tell myself
am I the one
to blame

DAMN murmurs from
the other half
echo from the room
what’s YOUR
problem hun I ask?
trying hard not too
sound
curt
sorry what
geez stop your grizzling
NO I didn’t iron
any shirts
but are you
REALLY
that incompetent
YOU can’t iron them
yourself?
I’m on a mission
here can you lend
a hand
no sorry what YOU’RE
running late…no time
…as IF I do
can I chuck a temper
tanti and yell and
scream at YOU!

heaven help me
I hear footsteps
of teenage daughter
thumping down
the stairs
slamming door to room
you’re so not wearing
THAT in public
sweet product of my womb
fingers clenched
I whisper …
don’t mess with me today
I’M not letting you
wear that dress
with half your rear
end on display

husband DEAR
the dog’s in need of
feeding
the child
is screaming for
her SOCK
your daughter… well
see what she wears
can YOU see what
she looks like
oh…you haven’t time
to reprimand
then guess it’s ME
who’ll have the
fight

morning juggle
hormone inflamed
teenage girl
un-ironed shirt a
missing sock
and the starving
whimpering dog
rush and pandemonium
I run
frantically to
please
the day has sadly just begun

…this is MY catastrophe

In light of the ‘real’ catastrophes around the world, I thought I would try and lighten it a little with my definition.

FOR  THE PUB   http://dversepoets.com

Happy Birthday Daughter # 1

25th March 1983
a little princess was handed to me
chubby cheeks and darkened hair
my first born baby girl my daughter
tears of joy and happiness
with so much love I could not speak
 She grew into a girl with spirit
a girl with wants and humour
infectious
a girl who now
is a remarkable young woman
one that I can say of whom I’m very proud

there was no teenage rebellion
her grades were high
her fortitude strong
a girl that strived from day one
to be the best that she could be

and yes we have had our battles
like daughter/mothers do
but we ‘know’ each other well
and today it’s your 30th birthday
where has that gone I ask?
those years when I first held you
to now
the time has moved too fast

I wish you happiness in life
and all it has to offer
your were my first born little girl
and what I wish to say is
I send you love and give you hugs
on this your Very Special Day

Happy 30th Birthday ‘B’ – I love You

xxxx

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can see my second daughters birthday blog for her 26th birthday here https://ramblingsfromamum.wordpress.com/2012/12/13/happy-birthday-to-my-youngest/

I will always tuck you in

100 Words Writing Prompt #323     Velvet Verbosity

The word is TUCK

Photo Credit- Mark Tasker

Crinkly fingers pink soft to the touch, cupids mouth as she breathes, arms above her head, stretching whilst asleep, little chest rises and sinks

Eyelids flutter but remain closed, what does she dream, little ‘coos’ slip from her lips and tiny sighs are heard

This is my angel I gaze out, as I tuck her safely in her crib, this is the one I would die for as she made my life complete

Now, though many years have passed, if perchance I see her slumber, memories of her tucked up safe flood back…my angel,  my joy,  my wonder

For and for my 2 daughters.

 
http://www.velvetverbosity.com/2013/03/19/100-words-writing-prompt-323/

First kiss and where did it lead?

We kissed
not knowing
what a kiss meant
children young
innocent

but as we grew
friendship transformed
to true binding love
heartfelt and warm

this is the place
where we took
our vows on the sand
committed our lives
to walk
hand in hand

and this is us now
I look back on those years
the first kiss that we took
our crush in school years
our wedding
the joys of
the children I bore
moving houses
the mortgages
the debts and
windfalls

 the grandchildren
laughing
the family
that’s ours
the first kiss
that started
what we have now

and yes we make love
we hold hands and we kiss
we share precious moments
and won’t relinquish
what we feel for each other
our love or our bond
our bodies have changed
but our love is still strong

we give thanks to the children
we were on that day and
give thanks to each other
that our love has remained

‘A little bit of the warm and fuzzies’

What will they say when I’m gone

What shall be written
when I pass from this earth?
what words etched in stone
‘bove the place where I’ll rest?

Who shall write them
who shall decide?
the day when my time comes
the day that I die

Will I be remembered
for selfless love?
will I be known for
making you laugh?

Will I be missed
for the help that I gave?
will I be content
as I sleep in my grave?

Will family cry
and miss who I was?
will friends shed a
tear.. simply because?

Will rain fall and hit
the casket that lowers?
or will the sun shine
touch the wood and the flowers?

Tears weeped of sadness
the loss of a soul
pain in the hearts
just remember me well

I did all I could in the
life that I led
I was a woman, a wife
a mother and yet..

I wish tears of happiness
to flow down your cheeks
tears that I ‘did right’
did all that I could

My life will miss yours
I’ll remember your voice
the happiness shared
don’t grieve but rejoice

Set the butterfly free
watch it wing to the skies
yes I’ll truly miss you
but I’ve said my goodbyes

Some moments not proud of
many others that were
please smile as you lower me
this is what I’d prefer

I want

I want to play mum again, have my girls rely on me
not grown up and independent

I want to be able to dress them in pretty clothes and
do their hair

I want to be able to guide them when danger approaches
to hold their hand or them hold mine

I want to see their beaming smiles when I tell them how
they have made me laugh

I want to be able to give them the cuddles that I did when
they were tiny

I want to hear their problems and ask me for advice
and accept what I say

I want the closeness we shared, the giggles we had, the
times when we would dance

I want to feel that they can come to ‘mum’ when they
are troubled or upset

I want to play mum again when we shared so many
special moments

I want to be involved in their lives instead of being
the mum who is ‘just there’

I want to be thought of wise and able to help them
in time of need

I want to have them hug me and tell me they love me
just because they want to

I want to know that I have brought them up to be
beautiful young women

I want to know that when I’m gone that they have
thought me as someone special
I want….or am I wanting too much