My Mother’s Day – Chat time

Today – Mother’s Day.

Firstly I am thankful as I said in my last post that my mum is still with me. I have read many posts today about some who had a tough upbringing as a child, some who have lost their mums and those who have sadly lost a child. All of them equally as important as another. I thank you for your comments on my Mother’s Day poem and for the bravery you showed in what you wrote and your generous and kind comments to me.

We went to the venue – a Pub towards the city. Firstly mum and Pop (well mum) wondered why we had to travel so far. This is a lady who is confined to her home now and has a grizzle about not being able to get out. We are talking a 45 minute car trip (not have your passport ready).

She was in a mood, wishing to not be happy, to the point of not liking where we were, or what she ate. To watch your mum as an adult, pout, pull faces like a child is very disconcerting and disheartening. Daughter #1 (the eldest) who arranged the venue went to talk to her throughout the afternoon and got very little feedback or response. She was upset by this, she went and cried in the toilet, swearing she won’t try and organise something again. I don’t blame her. There were other reasons for this decision, but I won’t go into those.

Mum’s moods are getting worse, plain to see and it takes strength from all the family not to get angry with her.

Through the afternoon, eldest daughter said “Perhaps she is thinking about Paul”? Paul is my youngest brother who passed 10 years ago, tragically. Perhaps it was this, that made her mood aggressive, compiled with own everyday thoughts and confusion.

I did not ask her, it wasn’t the time not the place to do so.

She was thrilled by the flowers I brought to her in the morning and the card, but then the world changed when Mr.S and I picked them up. It’s difficult, it’s baffling and it’s sadly to say frustrating.

I am not perfect, I know this. I whinge and whine when perhaps I should hold back, especially on posts. So yes I get angry, I’m human and I feel terrible for doing so, but I can’t help it.

If I could return to the laughter and the reminiscing of events that happened within the family I would. If I could bring back the mum who didn’t care where she was or what her meal was like I would. Sadly I can’t this, this is who she is now. I spoke to a friend who visited them with their mum(after we dropped them back home) a friend of my penguins for many years, who afterwards sent me a text saying ..mum doesn’t even remember what she had for lunch.

She will always be my mother but
no longer the one I had
No longer the mother that I knew
back when I was young
Her life has changed
I compensate, to try and live
in her world now, where there’s
love but sadly also hate
of her life…her situation

I hope all of you Mum’s had a wonderful day. Onward and upward as they say, tomorrow’s a brand new day.
x

Mother’s Day

tomorrow I shall buy flowers
our earth is bare now
stems that bore colour have
now retracted in the soil

tomorrow I shall choose a card
taking time to pick the right
one, with words from my heart
yet written by others

tomorrow we shall be with family
making conversation and memories
forgetting anger, sadness and
being grateful for who they are

tomorrow we’ll give thanks
for the nurturing, care and holding
us together when we became unglued
hoping our children think the same of us

tomorrow we show gratitude having them by
our side, but let us also remember those
mums that have been lost and the children
they have left behind

tomorrow raise a glass to all the mums
for their strength, wisdom, guidance
a toast to all who battle
and those no longer here

the card shall hold but a small part
of my love for you, as will the bouquet
I want you to have colour

copyright JMTacken 10.5.14

This morning I said to Mr. S that I need to get mum a card in the morning. He replied… and this year I won’t be. It has been almost a year now since his mum passed unexpectedly.

To all those who have lost their mum, my thoughts are with you.
To all those who are fortunate to celebrate Mother’s Day (ours is tomorrow) with their mums ~ be thankful.

Mother’s Day – Perhaps this is from a child’s view?

I didn’t see your smiling face when you found out you were pregnant with me, or how you held your tummy protectively.   I didn’t see you laugh when I first kicked the inside of you or I had the hiccups.

I didn’t know the pain you went through to have me, nor did I hear your screams, or see your tears, or feel the injection in your spine to numb the pain.  I didn’t see you push and pant and try to breathe as my body wanted to come out of yours.   I didn’t know that you moved around the bed and room in every position you could think of trying to ease the pain of the contractions that wracked through your body.    I didn’t see you get upset when your milk first came in or realise that hormones were racing through your body and how you thought you couldn’t cope with this little human being that was your daughter.

I didn’t see the stitches you had to have, or the salt baths you had to take to help your discomfort. I didn’t know you cried when you left the hospital for your special treat dinner,  whilst I lay in my hospital crib or that you couldn’t finish your food because you just wanted to get back to me.

I didn’t see you sob for endless nights because I had to have a plaster cast  on my both my legs as my hips were ‘not quite right’, or the frustration that completely overwhelmed you.   I didn’t see you pace the corridor in the hospital, mascara smudging your face from so many tears,  when something went wrong with my hip and I had to have an operation.

I was unaware…but I loved you

You heard me crying in the middle of the night but I didn’t see your eyes closed or you rubbing them to try and wake you.   I did not know what time it was, I only knew that I was hungry.   I didn’t see you stumble from your bed and grab your dressing gown as you quietly entered my room.    I felt you lift me from my cot, warm from the blankets you had wrapped around me to keep me from the cold, but I saw you through my tears and hunger, I saw your smiling face and heard you whisper ‘Ssh little one…I know”. I drank from you, though I did not realise how you fed me.

I didn’t know the words you whispered “Do you know how much I love you” as you held my tiny hand.  I drank warm milk that nourished me and filled my empty tummy and when I was full and half asleep you carried me to my bed and tucked me safely back in and I felt your lips kiss my cheek and forehead and heard you say  “Goodnight my darling”.

I was unaware….but I loved you

I didn’t know that you cried when you took me for my first injection or understood when you told the doctor “I wish it was me that was having this, not her”.   I did not know that you were frustrated with me when I couldn’t settle at night because I had strong pains in my tummy from colic and how tired you were from lack of sleep or how hopeless you felt that you couldn’t stop my pain.

I was unaware…but I loved you

I didn’t witness your tears as you walked back to the car on my first day of school. I was excited and rushed off into my classroom and gave you a wave. I don’t remember saying “You can go home now mum, I’m a big girl”.   My lunches were made each day and a treat was packed for my morning play, I didn’t know it was you.  I saw your smiling face every day when school finished, waiting at the gate to pick me up.   I remember coming home in the midst of winter to a warm house and dry clothes and a towel to dry my hair and something nice to eat.   I remember the stories you would read to me as you sat on my bed and how I pleaded for you to read it over and over again.

I was becoming aware…and I loved you

I didn’t see you pace the floor when I was out at a party or how worried you were when I got my license and drove my first car.   I didn’t see your tears as you hoped that I would be safe on the roads and come home in one piece. I didn’t know that you lay in bed, glancing at the clock every few minutes, waiting to hear the front door open and my footsteps walk down the passage-way.

I was becoming aware…and I loved you

I saw the tears in your eyes when I grew up, the time that I left home.   I didn’t know that the last lot of clothes that I threw in the laundry basket that you would end up washing would make you cry, or see the tears fall down your face as you walked around my empty bedroom. I didn’t really know that you would suffer or feel pain at not having me there anymore.

I was aware…I love you

I saw the tears on my wedding day and the pride in your face as you watched me take my vows and begin my life with my new husband. I didn’t know that you wished your little girl could remain your little girl for ever.

I am aware ….I love you

My eldest who is overseas with her husband for 4 months posted this on FB this morning for Mothers Day (she is currently in South America).  I miss her, but she is having a fabulous time. This prompted my piece today.

~~~

Through the pain of childbirth you brought me to this world
you protected and fed me and covered my scratches with band aids
kissed me to make it better and it was
you held my hand to cross the road
you hugged me when I was sad
tried to take away my tears
when I was hurting inside
you did all of these things
and so much more…because you are a mum

HAPPY MOTHER’s DAY TO ALL OF MY READERS AND TO MUMS OF CHILDREN OR FUR-BABIES EVERYWHERE.