My 1st Service …..

Can I sing Hallelujah!

The day as told by Mumsy –

1. Woke up early, ‘faffed’ about, with a lot of pacing. Changed part of the Eulogy, as was thinking about it in bed last night, that I had to move a paragraph or two.
2. Got daughter to move said paragraphs and reprint. Had cig.
3. Swallowed more health food tablet relaxers – meant to have 4 a day I had 5 in the morning…wasn’t taking any chances.
4. Showered, dressed, pinned my name badge on my jacket. Respectfully dressed in black linen pants, black suit jacket , black shoes and a mustard colour top underneath (sounds terrible but it’s okay~trust me).
5. Paced, breathed, inhaled, exhaled making noises.
6. Had another cig (mybad I know) more pacing.
7. Time had come to leave – wanted to ‘call in’ – sick.
8. Packed briefcase and drove away, all the time self mantra’s of –  I can do this – I will be excellent. I will not fail, going through my head.
9. Arrived and finally found a car spot – arrived an hour early.
10. Walked up to  group of people and as they saw my badge – realised who I was.
11. Daughter in law and son came up to me and a kiss on the cheek (don’t know if that’s normal for a Celebrant) but we had talked over the phone quite a bit and it seemed natural.
12. I went inside and paced and went to the loo twice, then paced some more. Doing the A E I O U exercises (quietly).
13. The ‘gathering room’ overlooked a lake so I stood at the window..more ‘mantra-ing’.
14. The FD Assistant Robyn arrived – introductions. I asked her about presenting to the coffin and where do I stand at the end, she said I could do what I felt was right and told me to breathe (I must have looked as if I wasn’t at that stage) and she assured me I would be fine…..uh huh…sure…
15. TIME
16. I walked up and looked at the woman lying in the coffin, the woman who I had never known, that I wrote about and said this is for you Josie.
17. The family came in for the viewing.
18. The rest came in and sat down.
19. Robyn and I walked between the seats, manoeuvring around 2 pushers that 2 young mums left in the way….
20. Presented and I walked to the Lectern.
21. Started (am I too close to the microphone…too far??)
22. Made a couple of furfies with some words 2 – possibly 3 times throughout. Never try to say ‘Joke Telling Tradition’ as it ends up Joke Trelling tradition – I corrected and moved on.
23. Introduced the granddaughter, she said a poem and recited a memory. though a few tears, she did well.
24. My real boo-boo was –  my cup of water was on her right hand side and I was standing on her left and as she was reading I reached behind her and grabbed the cup, realising well that will look good in the recording…damn it!
25. There were a few laughs and also tears, a combination which was accepted.
26. Finished and Wind Beneath My Wings was the closing song. It started and half way through I went and stood facing the coffin at the front. Then I bowed my head in respect, until the curtain closed.
27. I then turned to face the Assembly, reassuring smiles and small nods of “It’s ok”.
28. Robyn was behind them all,  facing me…….. she gave me a thumbs up!! I couldn’t believe it.
29. Then she walked up and stood by me, announcing that the ceremony had finished and for them to go into the adjoining tea rooms.
30. Everyone started filing out, one elderly gentleman (I don’t know if a relative or friend) hung back and whilst Robyn was standing next to me (remember she was judging my performance)  came up to me took my hand and said “That was really beautiful”.   Do you know how I felt then? I was smiling inside and out and graciously thanked him.
31. I was invited back for a coffee with the family and stood rather awkwardly, wanting to leave them alone. One lady came up and said that I was wonderful.  Another said you have such a beautiful speaking voice, I have heard some celebrants and they sound like fish wives, you did a beautiful job thank you. Then another said the same.
32. Robyn then came up to me as I was leaving and said  “You know I did have my doubts, with this being your first service, but you did a really wonderful job and I will be recommending you!”

So my friends – I did it, I got through and as I sit and write, I’m pretty pleased with how I did, though I think the adrenalin is still cursing through my veins as I have more butterflies now than this morning.

I want to thank  ALL OF YOU for your encouragement, your support and your kindness and really your comments HELPED ME GET THROUGH THIS.  So ….thank you from my ‘beaty thing’.

Mumsy

xxx

so how do I feel at 11pm Monday night?

KrrrrthumP
fried flipped eggs
not so sunny side
RattliNg & a Roooooolling
thrown dice across the felt
KrrrThUMP
it goes again
rope twisting tight
pillow scrunched
punched and tossed
night after night after night
covers up and
covers down
cover head
sleep in tablets
Krrrrrthump
exhale ~ inhale
worked the once
three little pigs
huffing puffing
every breath
moody ~ edgy ~ snappy me
sorry no sorry
apologies apologies
soap powder spills
swear words screamed
KrrrtThumP
tumble dryer
dripping tap
ruminating brain
inside/outside
need some air
wired tightrope
neurobiological
engine stuck in gear
Grrrrrrrind

Tick-Tock Tick-Tock update

2 days and a few hours to go my dear friends.

I have spent since Thursday, writing, re-writing and reading the Service.

Saturday morning I visited the local Health Food Shop,  I was suffering anxiety badly. My chest and diaphragm were in knots continually.  I now have a Flower Essence spray and some wonderful herbal tablets that I actually believe are working and if they are only a placebo….I’m running with it.

It took me over  two and a half hours to ask the relevant questions and 10 hours to write the Eulogy and possibly tomorrow when I read it again,  I shall tweak a few words and lines here and there.

I am so very happy though, as this afternoon I had to read it through to one of the family members (the daughter-in-law).  This was needed in case any of my scribbled notes needed any adjustment.  When I had finished, there was silence on the end of the phone. My stomach dropped. I then said that is the completion…waiting for her to say something, then she did..

“I am crying, that was so lovely. It was wonderful”. She went on to say ” I am glad that I heard it now, if I would have heard it for the first time on Wednesday, I would be a mess”.

Do you know how I felt when she said those words?  I don’t think I can even explain at this point.

So now I go over and over and read and read in the hope of memorising some of it. Hope that my legs don’t collapse under me , or I run out of the Chapel,  arms flapping in the air throwing the script to the ground yelling “I can’t… I can’t” on Wednesday.

Sorry once again for not being able to read and comment on posts, but this is so much in my head, that my muse has now gone on vacation.

Normal services (pardon that pun) will resume by Wednesday night if I’m not sitting in a corner somewhere, drink in hand.

xx

 

 

one DVD down

Hello everyone,

Approximately 7 hours ago I wrote a post wherein I told you that I was conducting my first (albeit with friends) mock interview for the funeral celebrants course.

The two ladies arrived at 4pm, after a brief run through, we began. IPad in hand I was recorded from the moment the front door was opened and I walked in, giving my condolences and pointing out a good (pre-planned place to sit). I was shaking so at first, and the initial questions could have been a little more slowed. Also my comment of "As I said, I am sorry for your loss", which sounded so superficial, I can only blame my nerves.

The girls basically bounced off one another for their answers (they were 'sisters') who had lost their mum. Apart from the fact that their dearly departed mum was either a hippie of the 70's and never grew out of it. Mother Teresa or the best thing since sliced bread…..to the point I had to refrain from yelling 'NO MORE' as I was about to burst out laughing and grab a bucket. I let it go, and we all went to the flow, they answered the questions and got into a rhythm. We stopped for a cuppa and they said they almost felt as if it were real and that I had drawn them in. Now of course they are darling friends so they may just be boosting my confidence with this, but I did feel more confident as we went on.

Two and a half hours later we were done, much longer than what I anticipated.

We reached the end, we did it..we played it back and though it was serious affair with some smiles and a bit of laughter and the cups of tea shared, the three of us have never laughed so much, listening to the answers, as they had to ad lib (which they did excellently I may add) trying to conjure up a 'pretend' mother figure and have full knowledge about this person between them with very little prior discussion. They did well - we did well. I did it *SIGH OF RELIEF*. So now I sit back with a well earned glass of wine and a little less butterflies floating around till the next one comes along.

Now tomorrow's homework is to assemble it and then write a Eulogy from my notes. That will be the 1st DVD down.

Hallelujah!

Boredom

Today is … um yes it's Tuesday.(well here anyway - some of you if you can look down - you'll see me waving)!

Being at home studying/writing for the course it's amazing how quickly you can fall into the .."I don't ever want to work again as long as I live mode".

I am there, reached it, but I know it isn't feasible sadly. I have a mortgage, bills that never cease (for some reason). Mum is old school can't you just quit and let Mr. S take care of you"? Well I could, if I wanted him to do that, but I have always been fiercly independent when it comes to money and what I feel is a necessary obligation.

Why should he be 'punished' for me wanting a life of relaxation and semi-luxury"?

This afternoon I am doing my 'mock funeral celebrant' interview.. am I excited - erm nope, scared shite - less. I think I would be more comfortable conducting this in front of strangers than 2 of my girl friends.

It took me almost 5 hours to write type out he questions I will ask, about 50 in total. It is quite involved to try and obtain enough about a person whom you have never met and to write a story about them. I have one hour before they arrive, one hour of pacing, of reading, of re-reading.

My next post will be a poem, I have no idea about what, I have no muse hitting my shoulder, I don't have a block, I just have no clue, but I need to write one.. well not need so much but want".

"OK fine if you insist, I shall - just don't say I didn't warn you".

omg my 570th post already – how the dickens did that happen 😉