update on Pop

December 19, 2015 by ramblingsfromamum

Six days in Hospital & now back at Aged Care (ASL). Life became a complete blur, paperwork needing attending to forgotten. Appointments, schedules…all of it no longer important. Days turned to nights in the hospital. Similar to now. Pop has each day thought it was his last, so we are trying to be positive around him, as he’s very scared of closing his beautiful blue eyes and not opening them again. Our bond so close and even closer now.

Mum on the other hand, though not really knowing what is happening, has, through her vascular dementia changed dramatically. I am her competition, I am a dictator, I’m interfering, as I spend 10-14 hours with pop (and her) and she feels threatened.

He has blood in his urine, a blocked kidney, double vision. Some days better than others, some he smiles, chuckles, calls B and K ‘cheeky little blighters’. Other days or for the most part, his MSA makes him sleep, unable to open his eyes fully when awake, his arms shake, his voice barely audible.

He asked for all the family to come in, so he can then go in peace. 14 of us plus his 2 great grandchildren are taking food a ‘pre-Xmas lunch’ into the home tomorrow for lunch. He asked if I’d get everyone to bring Panadol in, so that he could take it after they leave. I said no & unless you take 100 of them, it won’t do what you want.

Mum and I simply don’t get along anymore, today we had 42deg C, she screamed every time I put their air con as, as her body thermometer isn’t working and she’s freezing as well as the ‘imaginary draft’. It’s draining, it’s frustrating as pop gets upset hearing her repeat the same thing over and over and over and her fighting with me. This is dementia, this horrid disease that has taken her from her family.

She hates me coming in every day, but I will continue to do so, it is my wish and also pops. I hold his hand during the day, when needing to sleep myself, he says please don’t go, so I stay till I know he’s asleep, returning the next day. Mum spitting venom at me for the majority of the day.

I had a service last Friday, I have one Christmas Eve, I told pop he can’t ‘go’ anywhere, as I wouldn’t be able to do it.

Signing the DNR as pops wish, the most painful thing I had to do.

We have him still, life does end, but it sucks and I hate it, the whole situation, especially with mum making it worse.

He knows I love him to the moon and back and when the universe wants him, I know above all else that I will have no regrets.

Thank you for your kind wishes and thinking of me and my family who you have never met, it means so very much.

A very tired me and my darling pop.

Unison

November 15, 2015 by ramblingsfromamum

The blueness of your eyes carries me
To the ocean
Where I float above the undercurrent
Your laughter
Takes me to the mountain tops
Without a fear of falling
Your strength
Supports me when I feel that I may fail
Your caress
Settles me when I’m afraid
We didn’t know before hand
How two lost souls could join as one
Of all the people whose paths
May never cross, ours did
Like the grasses that blow in the
direction of the wind
We were blades it seems
That always grew side by side

Silence

April 11, 2015 by ramblingsfromamum

I called your name you turned
the hurt in your eyes resembled bruises
your mouth a wound that could not speak

I cried in vain, my apologies
fell around your feet sweeping away
in the wind that also had taken your trust

I reached out, my hand locking your elbow
as I felt you pull away
please ….don’t

my words in staccato
the notes sombre held no meaning
and you walked, my grip released

my feet held in sand as the water
drew from my ankles
the rush unbalancing my stance
as your silence did my heart

Copyright J Tacken 11.4.2015

Say you love me (Prose)

February 10, 2014 by ramblingsfromamum

as for words sometimes spoken
that make us think
why others speak them, take
three syllables
we long to hear, sealing anxious
weeks or months after we ceased
being a singular I

the anticipation of who will
speak first, should I, should they

I love you
why, I ask what makes you love me
because I’m kindhearted
smile at strangers, a good hostess
in and out of bed, love all creatures
great and small, or perhaps my humour
that can turn your furrowed brow
into whipped cream smoothness

Is it any of these things or these and more
we wait, it’s said, what we started
pure and raw, now concreted with three simple words
and it’s not perhaps till time has passed

when we have grown old together
we look back and it wasn’t about who spoke first
that we see love for what it is
the importance of why it was said
no longer just syllables

©jmtacken Feb 2014

My 760th Post.

Photo Credit etsy.com

catch me (A Shadorma)

January 30, 2014 by ramblingsfromamum

I catch waves

in-between fingers

hit the ground

like my thoughts

soaking into heated sand

they evaporate

©jmtacken Jan 2014

I haven’t played with forms for a long time ~ thought I would try one now and then.

Shadorma is a Spanish 6-line syllabic poem of 3/5/3/3/7/5 syllable lines respectively.

Photo Credit: kezzi-rose.deviantart.com

always knock twice (Prose)

January 28, 2014 by ramblingsfromamum

you knock once

knuckling the wood grain

I stand

chipped enamel scratches

unpainted floorboards

stub my cigarette

hard against the lacquered saucer

it’s mate broken years ago

step slow to the door

head tilted view

through curtains of chiffon

to make sure it was you

its been months

since you were here

perfumed gin hangs on my breath

I wont stand so close

you are here for just one reason

to take the kid to a circus

trying to make up for

times you never showed

you knock once more

patience

not your strong point

“Alright” I yell

“Keep your shirt on”, slurred

I wonder if you’ll notice

my mind flashes back to

better times

how you looked without

a shirt

“Nathan”, I scream

“Your father’s here

Jesus, are you ready?”

I hear you shuffle from

your room, hair not brushed

mud caked jeans from yesterday

t shirt with the coca-cola stain

I forgot to spray

before I washed

“Crap, look at the state of you

can’t you dress in something clean

your dad ‘ill think I’m unfit to

look after you”

“This is what’s clean”

you murmur, head bowed

I long for another sip of gin

“You ready mate”, he asks

as if our yesterdays did not exist

“Perhaps a shopping trip along the way?”

you smile

arms around his shoulders

walking out the door

I watch the car pull away

reach for the bottle

forgetting any future

forgetting every past

©jmtacken Jan 2014

Photo Credit: Flickr and jcoterhals

I couldn’t find a photo of a little boy with muddy jeans and T, but his little face was too adorable to pass up

and thank you to Brian Miller from WaystationOne for the poke here and there.

Break The Wall (Prose)

December 22, 2013 by ramblingsfromamum

break it down for me

the intricacies
you splinter little parts of me
as wood under my skin

disillusioned
casting reasoning to the wind
talk to me ~repair the damage
the ‘kitchen sink’ once again
dragged up ~ the already resolved

counsellors said a waste of time
don’t walk away, I say sorry
yet
I don’t know why
your words angrily whispered
slicing through
breath exhaled

arms flail in the air
the marionette
stringed by an invisible puppeteer
at least spoken words
give a chance
the silence
only lends itself
to confusion ~ doubt

pacing round the room
tension strung like wire
tears I cry watching you
you don’t realise
you’re ignorant to
my ache

our lives
topsy-turvey
both stressed
day to day
reached a T-intersection
both going different ways

we travelled the same road
once ~ now the fork divided
I’ll fight for you
I’ll fight for us
we can make this work
but break it down for me

so I can cease this hurt

©jmtacken Dec 2013

FICTION!

I wrote this some time back and strangely over the last few days of not being around too much, my enthusiasm has waned a little for writing. Perhaps the pressure of writing the Service and another to do for the 30th December, perhaps the Christmas events …and well life taking precedence.

Thank you for all those who commented on my last post (Leave of Absence) I apologise that I haven’t had time to comment individually to you all – but I think you know how grateful I am for you reading & your comments – so thank you.

I know this isn’t a Christmas Spirit piece and I am sure I will get my mo-jo back soon and I shall be writing a post just before Santa arrives.

Mums

Photo Credit: http://www.pinterest.com

Borrowed Heart (Prose)

December 16, 2013 by ramblingsfromamum

brushing the floral curtain with the back of my hand

watching you walk away, your back to me

[youtube.com/watch?v=epUOoPuiyZM]

your jacket slung casually over your shoulder

nonchalant, as was our time this afternoon

dust not settling, words still echoing through the room

hitting the ground before they have the chance

to touch my heart

I watched, you didn’t wave, you never do

if silence the only noise

I’d clasp my hands falling to the ground, wishing

for more stolen moments, but your words

slowly rise as they have done many times before

lingering inside my head, entering my skin

the amount you stay much shorter than your goodbyes

a heart that won’t be captured, the bird whose flight is free

watching the car door open, not looking back

the curtain once again falls back in place

as if nothing had changed, simply how it was between you and I

a rendezvous informal, nothing altered

my finger tracing my lips, where you were

once again, you have borrowed my heart

and taken it away

with emptiness ~ I wait in hope

that you will walk through my door again

and stay

The music clip says in the beginning to close your eyes and listen … don’t close your eyes ~ but do listen.

Lighting My Way (Prose for Dverse)

December 15, 2013 by ramblingsfromamum

“I am growing weaker, my time is coming to an end, please will you light a candle, when it’s time to leave this earth”

“I will light a candle I promise – one of thousands”

“Help me find my way – so I won’t be lost, I am frightened of the journey I face ~ please tell me I’ll be safe”

“Please do not be scared, I know you are ~ I will guide you, with my candles, with the light, they’ll brightly burn, through this night and every other day and I promise, I’ll keep them burning, till you are safe and without pain”

“One shall be lit on your Birthday and at Christmas time, to symbolise my love for you, as a remembrance of your life”

“I will seek out the glowing flame, I promise, from wherever I may be, smiling and sending love to you, for you remembering me”

“Do you think I could forget you, you are a part of me, the candle flame is as much for you, as it is for me”

“I’m ready now to journey, light it now so I may see, my tired eyes will watch the glow ~ till they finally close”

As I light the wick, my head turns away from you, just for a brief moment as my strength diminishes and tears run down my cheek. The flame burns bright, the dark so silent, closes in, I hold your hand, to comfort you, but your eyes have closed and you are gone.

For the fabulous Dverse – The Pub – http://dversepoets.com I have chosen a ‘significance’ of candle lighting ~ perhaps not to cheery for this time of year ~ but it is where my muse took me.

For this prompt, the lovely Mary has asked us to write about:

–’lights’ or ‘candles,’ either their significance for you in regard to holiday celebrations or their uses in a secular way.
–the stars, moon, sun which provide our natural ‘lighting’ at this time of the year.
–winter solstice — the shortest day of the year, the day we most need additional light.
– the light of the world, however and wherever you find it during this darkest (in Northern Hemisphere anyway) few weeks of the year.

Photo Credit –schifty-lorzo.deviantart.com