My fingers shake above the keyboard, my nose runs, yet I just sit here sniffing, like an infant, wiping the end of my nose with the back of my hand, instead of reaching for a tissue from the box in front of me.
The letters on the keys are blurry, they fade out, then come into focus.
I know where each letter sits, I don’t care.
I feel my heart beating loudly inside my chest, my breath is fast, shallow.
Every now and then my chest rises sharply but falls just as quickly, as I try desperately to hold back more tears.
Five times now, I have counted them, a tear drops, hits a key and sinks into a gap between the letters.
At least the letter is clearer.
Why has it come to this, that I sit here, my body shaking, stomach hurting, as if someone has punctured my intestines with a six inch blade, I feel nauseous, my body fights to hold the expulsion of vomit.
I will myself … do this, move your hand to the right, hit that damn enter key.
I sit here at my desk in the study…it is 1.30am…yes I should be in bed and dreaming of winning the lottery…I would if I remembered to buy a ticket… or dancing across fields of green into the arms of the man I love..but I’m not…I’m listening to a compilation CD of songs..well of course mumsy it would be songs …you wouldn’t be listening to the ABC news broadcast at this hour (or any hour) now would you… punctuation will be pretty much non existant.. because well frankly I don’t want to do full stops and commas and question marks…ok a couple may slip in…so I use dots…(meditating mummy loves dots)..the 1st song is unchained melody..come on girls…because I dont think the boys would like this one…or be reading this for that matter…but us girls do..doesn’t it conjure up the most beautiful fuzzy feeling…it doesn’t (oops a ? slipped in)..well I tried…
this is a ramble post..as that is what my name is..and every now and then I break out of my make sense writing and do one of these…of course they have to be read quickly…why…because they would seem so ridiculous if you read them slow…anyway I digress…unchained melody…don’t you just want your husband….partner…boyfriend..friend with benefits? (oops another ? )…to be cusping (is that a word..where’s my dictionary) your face in his hands? (oops another one)…looking longingly into your eyes…telling you that you are the most beautiful creature that walked this earth…you don’t? (oops) what’s wrong with you?? (heavens more than I thought slipping in here)….
anyway where was I…have you gone away yet…gotten a drink…saying what is the point of this…for new followers I am sorry…I apologise for this seemingly terrible random nonsensical post…but this is me..pure and simple…so bear with me…I am trying to write whatever is going through my head and when I write and at this hour..well this is as good as it’s going to get (oops I did a ‘)
maybe I’m overtired..but I don’t feel it (punctuation has emerged …well it’s hard not to do)…anyway where was I…oh yes cusping..slasping…that bit…but moving on..oops I wrote slasping…what the dickens is that..I’m not correcting..it looks fine…
ok away from the bit if you have a loved one that does the clasping or slasping…I have had my moments in life without a companion by my side…and I survived…it can be tough but it’s do-able…it’s a time that all us females need to find ourselves…to take control of what we really want in a partner…to find who we are and what we want from life…and how to learn from our past mistakes…or from our past in general…and sometimes it may take a little longer than what we are hoping for…it’s not that you will never find anyone…but mr or ms right will come along…you will be glad that you had waited…in fact you aren’t really waiting..you are being sure that the next person that enters your life will be the right one…you are not ugly…you are not nasty…you are not too thin…or too fat.. or controlling…or possessive…you are none of those things…you are you…
and when your person comes along…you will see that…and they will want you for you…and be happy with who you are…so never change for anyone…I tried and it didn’t work…now I am me…and I was lucky enough to find someone who is happy with that..he is now a blog widower…but that’s ok (oops a final ‘) he’s happy I have a hobby….